Living with the ex

The terrifying moment happened. We ended. We cried, trying to be comforting to each other. We tried to make it better for the other person, we did everything we could to cherish the lovely memories we had created together, you and me baby. But I’m not going to lie, even now I am still trying not to call you that anymore because I lost you. I lost you and no matter what you are telling me, I can’t not think it was all my fault.

Where do I begin? I was so afraid you would act like my past, but you didn’t. I had to tell you that I couldn’t move out immediately due to financial reasons, I was so afraid, so hurt and felt so guilty so when you said that you are ok with me staying for a while until I am more comfortable to leave, I knew that you are such a wonderful person I got lucky to be able to have next to me. No one ever did that for me and it hurt even more knowing I had to learn to let you go. But you never showed me how to go on without you. Now I realise how much I relied on you, how much I let you into my heart, how much I didn’t want to let you go. But I also know I can’t be selfish, I know you are no longer happy next to me and I am no longer happy next to you. We changed along the way and, despite knowing we would be better off on our different paths, I can’t find the words to tell my heart to stop loving you, to stop desiring you.

The first week…

Where do I start. Every time I saw you I tried so hard to be strong, tried so hard not to cry in front of you. I knew you already felt guilty you wanted to ended and the last thing I wanted was to add more to that guilt. It was the first time when I felt proper alone standing centimetres away from you.

A few days later I slowly got a bit better and we slowly started to talk about the future and internally I panicked. I knew the rational thing to do is instantly start thinking and planning, but I didn’t want to make more mistakes, I couldn’t open a browser without a good 20 min cry. I knew we ended, but my heart still didn’t want to give up, but it had to.

The hardest part was going out with your family. I remember sitting at the table and watching you and your family that I got close to thinking how alone I felt and how in a few months ill be just a memory for everyone there, hopefully a good memory. Pretending that everything is fine when you are breaking up piece by piece inside was the hardest thing. But I had to do it, for you for your parents. It didn’t matter that later on I would probably go to bed crying, all it mattered that I was stronger for you. I know it would’ve made things even harder for you if you really knew how I felt. I think you had an idea, but I tried my best to convince you that I’ll be fine.

Two weeks in..

Two weeks in and we had our breakup sex. It felt good, different, like we needed to say goodbye. A week later you finished the second bedroom and we stopped sharing the bed. We also decided I’ll be leaving in 2 months. First night in the new room by myself I couldn’t sleep. And not because of the bed or not being tired, but because I couldn’t. It was for the best to sleep separately, but having you close was strange and hard.

One month later…

We became our old selfs. I somehow got better, avoiding thinking about it. We started being our old selves, just without the sleeping next to each other or kissing. We started even having sex often for like two weeks. But it didn’t last for long. You became busier with work, I became busier with work and despite showing some interest, you stopped returning it. I know right. Silly me thinking I am strong enough for us to be that kind of exes that can sleep with each other and be fine with it. At the beginning you had worries you can’t handle it and look at the irony its me now that can’t handle it.

Close to moving out

The closer I got to moving out, the harder it felt. Packing up all my stuff and getting out of your life while it needs to happen for both our benefit it sucks and it is hard.

My advice

If you can avoid living with your ex as no matter how many times you tell yourself you can do it, if you still have feelings for that person it will be the hardest thing. I did in the past where I lived for another six months with someone that I broke up with and had no feelings for anymore. And it didn’t have such a big impact on me. Lots of people have to stay with their exes for a while so if you can do it, make sure you set a coping mechanism in advance as you will need it. It is not the end of the world and it will get better.

It’s all about a choice. And with a broken heart I chose to let the person I love go because I know that he deserves someone better and he deserves to be free to find that special person he cannot live without, that special person that he will openly be able to say “I love you” to. I also chose myself because I also deserve that person that is not afraid to tell me how they feel about me, who doesn’t just stand on the sides when I’m falling down.

In the future these will be just tiny moments that needed to happen and I am choosing to remember you as the one ex that will still bring a smile to my face knowing how much you thought me and loved me when I needed it the most.