Let's Talk About Love

Why is love so complicated and full of defiance? The answer can be explained by "MITH's conceptions of love." We get a lot of ideas about what love is and how it develops. The problem is that these paradigms destroy true love. Almost everything we are taught in this regard is not really about love. In reality, we are taught about need, fear, self-judgment, self-denial, victimization, and then we are taught to call these things "love."

We can divide these beliefs and perspectives about love into 5 main paradigms of love that remain at stake in our society today. These MITH conceptions of love precipitate the challenges many of us experience in love and relationships - both romantic and non-romantic.

Love as need - love as risk.

Have you ever wondered why love feels so scared? Well, the truth is that love is never scared, but the need is always there. One of the biggest obstacles to truly feeling and expressing love is that most of the time, many of us confuse love with need.

We often hold back our love, thinking, "What if I love her, and she/he doesn't share my love - or she/he throws it away, and rejects me, etc.?" When we ask ourselves this, we look at love as fair: I give you my love, and you give me your love in return. And this fair would not be better, because if the one at the other end of the fair does not return our love exactly the way we want, we will suffer: inside, we are afraid of being "hurt." The only way for us to experience injury is to injure ourselves by judging ourselves. Here's how we think:

• I love you and I tell you this.

• You tell me to go play with the kite.

• I believe two things: "I lack something I need" and

"There must be something wrong with me if you don't share my love with me."

So, when I said "I love you," what I meant was "I need you." What I understood was "I decided to use you as a barometer for my self-esteem." None of this has anything to do with love. Love is a feeling of joy for another person. There is no risk in feeling joy and appreciation for someone. We took the word need, we replaced it with the word love, and so we attributed all the unpleasant aspects of the need for love.

No wonder love and expression seem like a risky proposition. Need will always seem scary, but love, in its pure form, is risk-free, fearless - an alternative that immediately revolutionizes relationships. We can replace our need with love, and when we have a need, we can at most express it. It closes the door on meaningful interactions with demands, "hurt feelings," and attempts at manipulation, and opens the door to relationships full of unrestricted expressions of love and affection.

Love as self-sacrifice

Who is the beneficiary of love? Many of us speak as if the main beneficiary is the person at the receiving end. No doubt many of us experience wonderful feelings when we think we are loved. However, in reality, the main beneficiary is the person who feels love.

Many see love as "selfless." I see it as the ultimate feeling of selfishness. When we love, we feel a fantastic and beneficial emotional experience. The recipient "takes" his love. Many do not do this. Even then, the recipient only estimates what he or she thinks the other person is experiencing.

However, the person who feels and expresses love has a guaranteed ecstatic experience. The more we love, the more direct a benefit we have. When we do not love, it does not give us the experience of love. Thus, only we deprive ourselves.

When we refrain from receiving love, we do so only because we see the need to take care of ourselves, to be safe, among other things. Usually, this security is based either on love as a paradigm of need or as a paradigm of sacrifice.

Many songs and movies talk about love as if it were noble. Again, this comes from love as a paradigm of sacrifice. Love is no nobler than hate. It just feels very different and leads to very different behaviors.

Interestingly, behind this paradigm is the basic perspective that sacrifice is noble and self-focus is not. This leads to so much self-condemnation in our world. Thus, be selfish and loving for your benefit, not the benefit of others.

Love as weakness

Another reason for our caution about love is that we believe that love means weakness and is expressed in thoughts such as, "If I love you, I will let you do what you want with me. If I love you, I will not think of myself. If I love you, I will not be able to express to you what I want and what I do not want. "

However, the weakness we associate with love is related to fear. All of the above "if I love you" sentences exemplify the way we behave when we are afraid.

Because many of us are fearful, we often use anger to express what we want or do not want, associating anger with power. (According to Bears, "Mania is not the deployment of power; it is a demand for power.") Others feel that cold detachment is synonymous with strength.

The truth is that there is no stronger position in which we can immerse ourselves than undisturbed love. If we love without fear, we can clearly articulate what we want and what we don't want.

Moreover, our statements are more likely to be digested by the person we are talking to. However, if our husband, our friend, or even a salesman does not treat us the way we want, we can have decisive actions in a clear way when we love.

This can include anything from asking again, divorcing a wife, and so on. All these actions, and many more, are compatible with loving. Trust your love! It will take you wherever you want to go. Whenever you think you are weak, you may know that you are a scared cat, not a beloved cake.

Love like shifting sand

The myth of love revolves around the idea that we "fall in love as if some kind of colossal accident is happening, and suddenly we are in love. We don't want this, we didn't want to do this, but now, that's it, we are "We have trodden and fallen into the moving sand, we have no choice, we are helpless and the sand swallows us."

I like this idea. I think it's romantic. But let us ask ourselves: do we want to abdicate responsibility for our feelings of love and care? Do we want to act as if we are the victim of our emotions and not their architect? And why is the idea of ​​falling in love against our will more romantic than the idea of ​​choosing someone to love?

What would our relationship be like if we were the owners of our love, brought to the attention of that special someone that we chose to love, and then we would love him without need, condition, or fear?