Learning To Love Myself

As I looked back on 2020, it was hard, yet humbling. I write myself notes on my phone. Notes with grocery lists, quotes, notes I’ll never send, those types of things. I opened my notes and saw some sad things, but I also saw so much more. I have saved notes all the way back to 2018! I’m glad I hadn’t deleted them. I needed to remind myself.

We all think of what we are grateful for during the month of November each and every year. Now I see that I need to do that more often. I need to love myself more and give myself more credit. Looking at my notes, it forced me to do just that. One note I constantly wrote “What is my purpose”? Now maybe I’ll find out. My notes showed me dark places and showed growth as well.

A couple of things really stood out. I’ve had, and still do have, some hate in my heart. I think that is something I will have to continually work on.

“Hatred corrodes the container it’s carried in.” George HW Bush

I think that is a very powerful quote. I don’t want to walk around looking like I need to be cleaned. I have the control to clean the hate out. I have cleaned myself internally and grown in many ways. For that I am thankful. I still have plenty of room for growth.

I think acknowledging your faults is always a good experience. No one is perfect, yet some think they are. Sometimes it’s not as easy to acknowledge the good we have in our heart. By doing this, it’s selfish, and I’m a selfless person. It proves that we need to be selfish at times for our own well-being.

I have touched and inspired so many just this year alone. For that I am proud of myself and thankful. Inspiring people can happen anywhere. During both of my hospital visits this year, I was able to be an inspiration. I was mad that I was in the hospital, and wanted to hate every person that approached me. It is not easy to keep those hateful thoughts when you see young workers doing a great job. What these young ladies didn’t realize is their smile is what inspired me to inspire them. As they cleaned my room, we always talked. Then came the visits. They came to talk to me, even when they were off work. Just one simple thing, like a smile, changed me in that moment, and them as well.

We are never fully done with ourselves. There is always room to grow and improve, which is something I always said to the recovering addicts I worked with. Looking back on my notes, there were several notes to this addiction group. They needed to be worked on, but so did I. I asked them to always write down their feelings in my class. By telling them this is, it also inspired me to write all of these notes. One of my notes was funny, but made them and me stop and think. I think back and wonder where I came up with some of my lesson plans. Thank goodness I came up with them and kept them.

My overall point to them also made me stop and think too. I said, “Have you ever had an ingrown toenail? It hurts so bad! And controlled how you walked and thought, because it was all you thought about due to the pain. When you were using you were an ingrown person. You hurt, had no control of your actions or thoughts. Just like this toenail”. I really must have thought hard on that lesson. I had forgotten about it, and when I saw it I laughed. While it was funny, it was also helpful. I realize that I have also been somewhat of an ingrown person. I’ve allowed my health to control me and my thoughts.

I refuse to be ingrown or corroded! I am thankful for all of these young ladies and men. They were able to make me dig deep down to realize that I am worth loving. Loving myself, like I love others. its something I’m better at now because of my effort and their inspiration.