Learning to Love Again
Learning to love again after heartbreaks and mental breakdowns isn't easy... but I'm managing it.
Love - that one emotion that nobody truly understands. Sometimes it feels like the most amazing thing on earth, and others it feels like your heart is being stabbed by a thousand knives. It's a complicated mess most of the time, especially when you suffer from a personality disorder that makes all of your emotions even more intense.
With me, I rarely know what I'm actually feeling. This makes things tricky for me, because it's difficult for me to know if I'm actually in love with someone or not.
But when I'm certain about my emotions, they're intense and strong and impossible to ignore. I know I'm deeply in love with my partner, and I hope he can see how much I love him.
I've been through so much in my life. I've loved and I've lost. I've had my heart crushed. I've been abused. I've suffered control and manipulation. I've been through a mental health crisis. It's all left me with so many trust issues not just with others, but with myself. After all I've been through, I struggle to trust myself with letting my feelings show to someone. I've chosen the wrong path so many times, and I'm scared of making the same mistakes again. It made me close myself up for a long time, but now I'm learning to let love into my life again and it's feeling great so far.
I've missed feeling loved, and it's something I've long wanted. I've never felt truly loved by someone before, so to have that feeling now is the most amazing thing I've ever felt.
I'm slowly learning how to trust people again, and how to trust myself most importantly. I've lacked self trust and self care for so long, so it's a major step for me to reach that mark again.
Teaching yourself to love again and to allow love and happiness into your life is incredibly difficult. It's emotionally draining at times. You want to be loved, but at the same time you want to push people away and hide how you're truly feeling. You want to jump and take that risk, but at the same time you're petrified of being hurt again.
The thing is however, you can never be sure if you'll be hurt again or not. You have to take that risk and jump over the cliff on the off chance that, this time, you may be rescued by your knight in shining armour. There's someone out there for everybody, and finding that person takes time. I feel I've finally found that person, but I can't be 100% sure of that. Hopefully I have truly met my match, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.
I learned to love again by making the leap of faith. I put myself out there and went on dates again and met people and got chatting to people online. I allowed myself to be desired again, which was a strange feeling for me. I have so much self doubt, so having numerous people chasing me was difficult for me to handle. I've handled it though and I've found the person I want in my life and by my side through everything. I've learned to love again, and that's great.
Last time I was hurt by love I ended up in the hospital. That's a place I never want to go to again. I never want to feel so low that I turn to such tactics to comfort myself. I don't need the reassurance of the blade to make myself feel better anymore. I've met my match and I know he'll take care of me, just like I'll take care of him.
On the whole, things are going well for me now and I'm slowly recovering from my long battle with mental illness. I relapsed for a while, but I'm battling it with every fibre of my being. I'm allowing love back into my life now that I'm in a more stable place, and things are going simply marvellously.