Labeled As Queen Mother
Why My Protective Nature Has Left Me Friendless
As a woman in her thirties, sometimes I sit back and wonder why I can't seem to make friends as an adult. I think I'm just as friendly as the next person when it comes to meeting people. I've allowed my introverted behavior to take a backseat and allowed myself to open up to others. But, after a couple of months, those friendships will fizzle out. After conversations with my therapist and self-reflection, I've finally taken accountability for my role in these friendships. I can't help that I have the prowess of motherly instincts and having everyone's best interest at heart. My concern for others has led to distance and disassociation. In the 21st century, I never thought that that would be considered a negative.
One of the many things I enjoy about myself is that I know how to laugh. I can be light-hearted and fun. I can keep my criticism of others to myself even though my Virgo nature prohibits that sort of awareness. In my far-fetched ideology, my peers think I'm an old maid. They think I can't dance, laugh, be loud, drink, and leave all of my troubles behind. In some people's minds, I'm the designated "watch my purse" or "hold my jacket," or this one is my favorite "I didn't think you would want to go" person. As I sit back and ponder, I wonder why or how someone would come up with that conclusion. My knee-jerk reaction is to be upset, angry, and cuss all those involved out. Maturity has taught me that I can't get upset over the small stuff. Who am I to get upset or disappointed that I never received the invitation? It would be self-centered of me to believe that narrative or even to expect it from others. A few months ago, I made a promise to myself to keep my expectations low. That way of thinking has led me to peace of mind. It allows me to focus on my personal growth and not the character of my constituents.
I've always admired a lioness; they are the true leaders and kings of the jungle. Every so often, I have vivid dreams about encounters with them. The last dream I remember was when I walked beside a pride of lionesses. The scene came straight out of the National Geographic documentary. Their eyes had a glare as if they had x-ray vision. They all were in a single file line staring at me. They didn't have any intention of attacking me or biting me, which I found strange. I found myself walking alongside these cats. Like most issues in my life, I looked up the dream on Google, and surprisingly I was shocked at what my dream meant.
"To see a lioness in your dream represents your maternal instincts. You will go to great lengths to protect your interest. Alternatively, a lioness symbolizes hope, victory, tenacity, and stamina."
For the past two years, I've been focusing on my energy. I am celebrating my positive energy and taming my negative energy. I, at times, can exude maternal instincts. It's in my nature to nurture, love, support, and protect the ones I love. I'm sure most of my "friends" may have felt I was over-bearing and might've treated them more like a sibling/child and not as a friend. On the outside, looking in, I could see how my seriousness can be mistaken as not being fun, how my introverted nature can come off cold. No fun-loving, easy-going, love to stir up trouble friend wouldn't want to bring someone like me around.
It's laughable that some people would leap to that conclusion. I do know how to have fun and enjoy myself. I think we can all have a good time and a safe time. My only job would make sure everyone was safe while holding my glass with alcohol inside. With many hours in therapy, journaling, and submitting my thoughts and feelings through using Vocal, I've accepted that notion of not being invited everywhere or not having as many friends as I would like. Solitude has become a reliable friend of mine that I would hope to befriend for many lifetimes. I can't help because I'm in a clear headspace, mentally independent, and under anti-peer pressure. I enjoy saying no with confidence without regrets. Most of those "friends" enjoyed playing follow the leader.
That's why I don't have friends. And I'm ok with that. My hope, victory, tenacity, and stamina will last longer than any friendship.
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