It's Not the End of the World.

I cried until it felt like there was no more water left in the Atlantic. I hurt until it felt like Mike Tyson’s blow would’ve felt like a pinch. I hated you until I couldn’t.

The phases of grieving my relationship was almost comical in a sense. It’s not the end of the world. It will eventually be ok, and you most certainly will survive without them. But if you need to be dramatic and lock yourself in your room for five days, then I understand and I am certainly in no place to judge you.

Sometimes I feel I speak about my last relationship a bit much even though it was only about four months ago, so in my opinion it’s still a little fresh, but the lessons have come in an abundance.

That is not to say I’m not over my ex, because I’m finally at a point where I can truthfully say, “Goodbye and good riddance”, and that is so satisfying. There are no thoughts of him, as much as there are thoughts of the experience of said relationship. I did a lot, and I mean A LOT of reflecting after he left, and even more when he came back…

I’m at a space where I can look back at those long five days I spent in my room, locked away from reality, and laugh. I mean like laugh from the bottom of my stomach, because Tiana, was it really that deep? Did he really mean that much to you?

Well, the answer to that is yes even though he shouldn’t have. I could never put on a façade and act like he didn’t mean anything to me, when he certainly meant a lot. He was my best friend, but if none of that was as important to him as it was to me, then I was wasting time and tears.

I look back and I just laugh. I laugh at being with someone who I probably wasn’t even compatible with. I laugh at what looked like me being with someone out of convenience instead of chemistry. I laugh at settling for comfortable, instead of something that keeps the adrenaline rushing through me, someone that keeps me on my toes, someone who teaches me new things, and someone who wants just as much out of life as I do.

“THEN I WAS WASTING TIME AND TEARS”

But as I’ve been told, this is what your 20’s are for.

It’s amazing what time can do.

With that being said, life has taken so many turns.

Isn’t it funny how after we get our hearts broken into “a million” pieces we swear we’ll never do it again, we’ll never put ourselves out there to get hurt but yet, here I am.

Again.

Except this time with a wall built taller than the Burj Khalifa. Because if I learned anything from the last time, it was don’t be so willing.

Even if he takes you on the nicest dates, even if just being in each others company makes your heart skip a little, even if he doesn’t make you lift a finger, or even if it was the best ‘time’ of your life.

It could all be gone tomorrow.

Some days I feel like I’ve become such a cynic to love, and other days I’m still the hopeless romantic who believes she’ll find her soulmate in the most serendipitous way. That somehow just by ‘chance’ we’ll meet and we’ll tell our future kids that we both knew it was meant to be when we laid eyes on each other.

But so far it’s never as good as the songs make it.

Dating again has had it’s ups and downs though. One day I’ll feel immensely attracted to the person and I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t be together, the next day I won’t want to be bothered by a soul. Trying to find balance between myself, my heart, and my brain has been a struggle, because I’m not willing to go through another heartbreak, not twice in the same year at least.

So no, my break up was not the end of the world, moreso the end of an era. I’m not that girl anymore, but I am better because of it and for that I will thank you. I’m not sure what’s next for me in my love life although I like where I’m at right now. I take it one day at a time, and a whole lot of reality checks so my heart won’t cloud up my mind. I’m at a space where if it works out, cool, and if it doesn’t even better. I never believed my ex when he said he had no problem being selfish until now.

If I don’t look out for myself, then who will?

Love yours.