You know when you get the enormous rush of feelings? Oh, just a hurricane coming straight at you and the only thing you can do is run. But no, no, NO, running is not an option here because the hurricane is much faster than you and it will swallow you up.
That's my situation now. Why you ask?
Well, the first mistake I made was not deleting his number. Whenever my phone clicks up with his name the first thing I want to do is hurl that goddamn device to the godforsaken walls. Instead, I am consumed with the overwhelming feelings of: oh should I reply? Yes, I will, because I am an idiot. But won't that make me feel worse afterwards? Of course, it would. That's the price you have to pay to breakup with someone, especially, someone who loved you so much more than you ever could have.
Deleting his number wouldn't help me anyway considering I still remember it by heart. But, oh you know how the saying goes. Time heals all wounds — not. It makes it more bearable but never completely heals. It still holds a piece of you always and forever.
The second mistake was staying in contact. Oh, god, this was a mistake. You know when people breakup they go through the whole routine of answers:
"Yes, we can stay as friends."
'Of course, you can always call me when you need something."
"I'm always here for you."
These are just empty words and empty gestures. In our case, they weren't. He still texted me when he needed me, called me to let out his feelings, asked me for help whenever he needed it, and I was there. I still am.
We still talk. We talk about our days, our lives, and anything in between. But it isn't the same. Ofcourse, it will never be the same again which is why I still can't sleep.
And the third and most vital mistake is staying in denial — not the denial of hurting his feelings, or the denial of hurting myself. It is the denial of making the right choice, the denial of making the breakup about me not him. It was him; it will always be him. It was to save him from something much bigger, which I will reveal at some other point in time, not today but someday soon.
I still miss him to this day. I was the bitch. I was the one who broke his heart. I was the one who decided it wasn't going so well after five years together. After, we had talked about getting married, after making his mind up — after, oh, after everything.
The worst part is the time after his message.
Or his call.
Or after stalking him on his socials.
I will get over him someday, and he will get over me. We will have other people in our lives who will make us feel better. I know it's a mistake still staying in contact. It doesn't help either of us. It makes us feel worse. But, I can't help it.
We were the right people for each other and that's the worst part.
Right now, I just want to sleep. But that's not possible because I've made the mistake of texting him again and he still hasn't replied.
But as always, he will reply soon. That's where the system is corrupted. We may act like we don't need each other anymore or how this doesn't effect us in anyway. It does. It really does.
We are each other's sleeping pills. We make each other feel better and it works.
Alas, I wonder for how much longer, though?