It Once Was Worth It

by Dakota Shadow 11 months ago in breakups

I've learned.

It Once Was Worth It

Is it wrong that I would give so much for you to hold me? To breathe in the same air as you, to press my forehead against yours, to gently kiss you, so genuine.

Genuine. Unique. Inspiring. To give so much away to just be in your presence seems unfair, but oh so worth it. The anxiety isn't anxiety at all when I'm around you, there so much joy and excitement in the air it's suffocating. But the love, the thrill, the adrenaline that you pump inside me is so addicting it's unbearable. To be separated at such great lengths, but at the same time not more than a mile away, it feels like lightyears away. As if we'd ever get the chance again.

Adrenaline pulsing through by body, it's deafening. Shallow breaths as your face grows closer to mine. My thoughts are always tied back to you in the worst and best ways. My face flushes and you're there holding my cheek with the palm of your hand, your arm wrapped around my waist. You lift my head and with the utmost care gracefully press your lips against mine, always soft and warm. Always holding on by a thread.

The night where you would hold me and whisper deeply. I held my trust. But an alarm goes off in my chest and I know something is fluttering away. I can feel the tension. I can feel something is wrong. But I never learn what.

You accept the fate and force yourself to live with it. It's hell. Months of aching, tears, and constant doubt. What did I do? It lingers and taunts you and all you can do is let it tie you up and suck all your confidence away. You let it destroy all the moments that filled you with joy because even in the short time it was the most well cared for and thought out and genuine moment. Because all it was, was a moment. 30 days. 30 hours. 30 minutes. 30 seconds. It was just a moment. Miles and miles apart. And then it was over.

And I would do it again. I would live those days over and over again even if it meant I was constantly beaten down. I would do it. It was worth it. It once was so worth it. Worth the pain, doubt, anger it was always worth it in the end. The true simplicity of connection. The complete understanding of feeling equal. Of feeling worth it and cared for and appreciated and never taken for granted. That it was constantly striven for and will always be worth it. Forgiveness. Second chances. Understanding. Acceptance.

But it's over now. It's time to move on with life. Find new joys, new memories, new moments to take in. To breathe air that isn't consumed by unrealistic ideas. To take a different perspective. I have chosen to embrace it. To learn from the experience and take something out of it. Not to hold onto the pain, but to accept it and push forward.

I've used this experience to find my self-worth. Before I would put myself in situations where I felt as if I deserved to be treated with disrespect and without being appreciated. But from learning what I am worth, I try not to let myself be misguided. I know now that I deserve to be happy and treated with respected. I chose to do what makes me happy and confidence. I chose to surround myself with people who respect each other and care about one another. I chose to take my own path and learn from my experiences.

Dakota Shadow
Dakota Shadow
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Dakota Shadow

Dakota Shadow was a pen name given to me by my adopted mother just so you know. I am somebody who struggles with mental illness and is learning her way through relationships and the lessons of living.

See all posts by Dakota Shadow