Is This Anything?

It’s all about the way we talk to ourselves isn’t it? We feel called to rise when our thoughts see it possible and too unworthy to try when we feel undeserving or incapable.

As I write, I think, "is this anything?" If only I had a pitch perfect Seinfeld impression to go with it.

I think we all feel called to struggle as otherwise it feels like we haven’t had enough grit to feel satisfied with the person we’ve become. The spiral of feeling weak is that we tell ourselves all the ways to be better without feeling worthy of being better. So it’s like the only way to become better is to talk to ourselves better, but talking to ourselves like one of our best friends feels wrong because we’re so aware of the faults within.

There’s not a phrase I dislike more than, "fake it until you make it." I understand it has its psychological roots, but I see it as establishing a habit of not being honest or accepting of how you feel. It’s not about pretending to be something you’re not, it’s about allowing more self-compassion.

Self-compassion is the most frustrating lesson to try to learn because it feels so over indulgent. Our old identity often works on auto drive keeping unfortunate habits alive, like this cycle of self-punishment inflicted when I fail to overcome something im still developing the skills to control.

My lack of self-compassion stems from my tendency to chronically take responsibility for everything. It comes from a well-intentioned understanding that I can only control the way I show up, so focusing on where I went wrong is the only way I can guarantee change. It’s something I love about myself. I never blame anyone else for my problems. But I often take it too far by invalidating my perspective while overvaluing everyone else’s. It makes me your textbook people pleaser and an easy person to walk all over.

This is the core belief that sabotages most of my relationships because constantly making myself at fault for every little thing leads to obsessive self-punishment. This self-martyr idea of justice makes me feel righteous when I, "properly put myself in my place." I shut down and spontaneously distance myself from the belief it’s what I deserve, and that’s not the foundation of a healthy relationship. I distance myself and then my partner naturally distances themselves and we eventually find ourselves in an irreparable rift. That response can be extrapolated into everything: family, career, money, and sex. When we tell ourselves we don’t deserve something, we behave in ways that will distance whatever we don’t think we deserve from us.

That idea is at the core of the popular "Law of Attraction". It has its metaphysical connotation, but I believe in it more from the psychological perspective. We only notice and perceive things based on what it is we focus on. When we focus on the ways we don’t measure up from a self-hating mindset, we show up with that mentality. If I don’t see myself as worthy, I have no reason to even put up an effort. Our behavior is so firmly linked to our identity, as James Clear talks about in his book, “Atomic Habits", so the way we identify ourselves ends up becoming the trajectory of our lives.

The reason I fell in love with acting was my aversion to vulnerability. I don’t like showing people I respond to stimulus and expressing happiness feels like one of the most vulnerable things to me. It’s like I don’t want people to think I think I could be so egocentric to deserve to be happy. Acting gave me the smokescreen of a character to express vulnerability instead of it coming directly from me. Through introspection, I’ve realized this aversion came from the fear of being thought down on. I’m already so aware of all the faults and don’t want to then go and make everyone else aware of them.

Right now, I’m in the first relationship I’ve felt safe exploring this vulnerability with. Not through the fault of most of my other relationship, it’s just the first time I’ve felt ready. It’s allowed me a safe space to validate my feelings and perspective through the context of an interpersonal relationship. And as I’ve been able to explore that in this safe space, it’s allowed me to put it out there into the public world, too. It’s allowed me to write articles like this.

That’s the key to anything. You get your reps in while in the safe environment so you’re strong enough to stand tall as you go public with it. The more completed reps, the more it begins to adapt as part of your identity, and the easier it becomes. And I think self-compassion is the most important trait to adopt because it’s what allows you to accept good things and keep going in the heat of terrible misfires.

Self-compassion doesn’t come from thinking I can do no wrong and should absolve my responsibility. It comes from embracing the fact I’m only doing the best I can with the skills I have. The key is to acknowledge the mistakes and try to be better, not to let them form an identity surrounded around failure. I’ll continue to show up better each time as long as I continue to show up.

I’m still getting there. Some days are better than others. The other day I went and purged my Instagram, YouTube, and IMDB pages from just one negative thing I overheard. But I’ve un-purged them now and did it quicker than I would’ve in the past. Because part of self- compassion is understanding you won’t always be able to have self-compassion. And honestly, I’ve had this self-deprecating habit for so long, the angst and wallowing sometimes feels safer than the compassion. It’s wraps me in this melancholic cocoon of self-righteousness. But we don’t realize that while it feels like justice, it’s only selfish. Because all it does is distance the people we love and cause us to not show up at all.

All that to say, I’m still thinking, "is this anything?" Perhaps the shadow will always be there, we only learn to manage.

Special thanks to Madeline Faye Potter for the photo! You can reach out for your own shoot at www.madelinefayephotography.com !