Is He REALLY that into You?

Let’s play a game called ‘He’s just not that into you’. Below is a set of scenarios in which you have to respond to with a yes or no to the following question: “is he really that into you?” Get a pen and paper to jot down your answers and reasoning behind them. At the end, we’ll go through my personal opinion and dissect these responses. Ready? 🤝

🎬 Scenario 1.

You’ve been really good friends with this guy for a while now, but now you’ve begun to develop feelings for him. One day, you decide to make your feelings explicit to him. He also expresses mutual feelings, and you start dating each other to see how things go. A couple months into dating, the dynamic of your relationship begins to change. He’s no longer giving you the same energy. He’s making a lot more excuses not to see you than before when you were just friends. He’s seeing other girls and lying about it to you. But all while, he keeps reassuring you that he really likes you, that you’re his best friend and he’s so glad he’s met someone like you.

Q: is he really that into you? Y or N

🎬 Scenario 2

You meet this guy through a friend who’s set the two of you up. She says he’s tall, dark and handsome, has a great job in the city, is an absolute sweetheart - your exact type on paper. And he’s ready to start dating. She’s also pimped you out to him and says he likes the sound of you. You both agree to meet up, vibe really well together and he asks you out on a few more dates. One day you ask if he’s free to meet up. He says he’s really busy with work and that he’ll get back to you. A few weeks pass by - still nothing. You see him, on various occasions through social media, out with his work colleagues, at all sorts of events, and even with the friend who hook the two of you up. When you call him out on it, he responds with “it’s a really busy period in my life right now, why can’t you see that?”

Q: is he really that into you? Y or N

🎬 Scenario 3

You’ve been in a relationship now for 8 months with your significant other. Things are going great! You couldn’t by any happier. Your babe gets a new job which requires them to move to a different city for a year. Sad to be apart, but so happy for them on this promotion. 4 months into this long distance relationship, and things have changed. Every time you speak it seems to lead to an argument. Conversations are no longer flowing. Your interest is beginning to wean. But you stick it out because you know you’re that they’re the love of your life and it makes sense to just wait it out until they return.

Q: is he really that into you? Y or N

🎬 Scenario 4

You’ve been seeing this sweet one for 6 months now. Regularly speaking, going out on dates and they’ve even met your parents. One day, out of the blue, they say “I really like you and I think you’re amazing.. but I think we should take things a bit slower”. You agree because, after all, they say they like you and want to take things slow not that they’re no longer interested. After this, you continue to be close but another 6 months has gone by.. and they’re still wanting to take things slow.

Q: is he really that into you? Y or N

🎬 Scenario 5

You meet this person who you’re absolutely head over heels for. And when you fall for someone, you fall hard. You lend them money when their finances get tight. You spend hours on the phone supporting them through their troubles. You've even spent less time with your friends and more with this person because they don’t have anyone else around them. They’re feeding your ego, telling you you’re the best thing that's happened to them this year and how much they love you. When the time comes to have a conversation about “what are we?” they respond: “it’s not enough to just have feelings for someone. Our relationship has to be based on so much more”.

Q: is he really that into you? Y or N

Okay, pens down. Let’s see the results:

⏯ Scenario 1.

He’s just not that into you.

You’ve been friends with this guy for a while, and he’s gotten used to the notion of you always being there for him, so the last thing he wants to do is jeopardise you guys’ friendship. He may actually know that you’re amazing, but just not enough for him to want to commit to a romantic relationship. You may be thinking “I know him, this is just how he is”. Don’t fall into the pretence that his loyalty to you as a friend will reflect his loyalty to you as a girlfriend. When the dynamics change, it becomes a whole new test of their character on a completely different board game.

⏯ Scenario 2

He’s just not that into you.

You’ve met a great guy according to your standards which has made you interested in continuing to getting to know him. He’s met a great girl... and that’s as about far it goes. If someone fits the bill and ticks off so many boxes, they’re going to have your attention. If not, then they won't. He gave it a few dates, and it was good vibes, but you just wasn’t it for him. That classic “I’m really busy” line is almost code for “I’m about to ghost you”. Take the hint, and keep it moving. Anyone who’s busy will always find the time to factor you in some way or another. If they can for work colleagues and friends, how much more for a love interest?

⏯ Scenario 3

He’s just not that interested in you (anymore)

It happens. People change, grow and mature. It’s very rare that we remain the same person we entered a relationship to when we leave it. When a certain type of love or person is all that you’re familiar with, you may think that’s the best you’re ever going to get, or that’s all that you deserve. Distance either makes the heart grow fonder, or makes you realise a lot more about yourself, your interests, how you deserve to be loved, and what you want out of a relationship. It’s okay to change, and to allow others also. When you start holding onto the idea of someone or something more than their reality, it’s usually a sign that this ain’t it.

⏯ Scenario 4.

He’s just not that into you.

Sis, let me keep it buck with you. If a man is still unsure about you a whole 1 year, 12 months, 365 days later. He’s just not that into you. Periodt. And this is often a reflection of that person. It shows signs of an indecisive, emotionally disconnected and uncommitted person. You may genuinely be a great match. But if he’s failed to meet you where you are, then right now you’re incompatible. A man needs to be about both his words and his actions. Right now, he’s enjoying the full benefits of being with you, and he’s realised that he can do so without needing to commit to you because you’ve put no boundaries in place. Hear me: there’s nothing wrong with taking things slow. But if you’re continuing in the same manner without actually taking things slow, then it was just a cop out for “I don’t want to be in a relationship, but I like what we have”. Let’s a call a spade a spade in this big 2020, please.

⏯ Scenario 5

He’s just not that into you.

Emphasis on the into because he’s clearly into using you as an emotional clutch for a time in his life that is pretty crap, but doesn’t have the capacity - nor interest - to take things further. It’s great to be there for someone, but when feelings get involved, both parties need to be on the same page. You’ve found yourself doing the most for him because you’re in love, whilst he’s found himself loving you for what you can do for him. Mentally you’re both in two different places with how you view the relationship you have between each other. Different expectations lead to different endings.

So how can we know whether someone is really that into us?

⏩ They make it clearly known. Never forsake the primary expectation of hearing someone say “I like you, and I would like to be with you”. No ifs, no buts, no maybes, not yet, soon come. This is the bare minimum expectation that we are owed.

⏩ Energy is reciprocated. Through the highs and the lows, both parties are committed and consistent with their feelings and communication.

⏩ You’re both on the same page. Make it known what exactly you want from the relationship so as to avoid any surprises later down the line.

Sha, it should never get complicated to know whether someone is feeling you. I know that not every situation is black and white, and there can be grey areas. But the one constant should be a man’s truth. Do you want me or nuh?

Love,

Someone who’s been through ALL of it xx