Intimacy: A Scientific Guide to Relationships Written for Men

John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, summarized four ineffective ways of communication that must be avoided in intimate relationships, while also giving the corresponding methods and answers.

1、What to avoid is criticism

In life, people will always complain about the people they live with, but there is a big difference between complaining and criticizing. Complaining only involves specific things that the partner did wrong, criticizing has a broader scope, and it also includes a negative evaluation of the partner's character or personality.

For example, the complaint says: "I'm really mad that you didn't clean the kitchen floor last night. We agreed to take turns doing it."

And a critical statement might be, "Why are you always so ungrateful? I hate it when it's your turn to clean the kitchen floor and I have to do it myself. You just don't care."

This type of accusation, which hurts the other person's character, can be destructive because it leaves the person being criticized feeling devastated, rejected, and hurt, and has the potential to escalate the conflict.

Suggestions

If you are upset about something, do everything you can to express it. But not to attack the other person, but gently. You can express your concerns and needs directly and positively.

For example, in the case of not cleaning the kitchen, don't say things like "you never do what you say you're going to do," because the words "always" and "never" imply a personality problem. The words "always" and "never" suggest a personality problem. You can say gently: "There are still crumbs on the table, can you clean them up?"

2. What to avoid is slander

No matter what kind of slander, it can poison intimate relationships, slander specifically: disrespectful attitude toward others, cynicism, name-calling, rolling eyes, ridicule, sarcasm, unkind humor, etc.

Stigmatization goes further than criticism in that it is triggered by long-lasting negative thoughts about the partner, and verbal slurs imply that the other person is inferior and express disgust. This expression of negative emotions solves nothing.

Studies show that partners who stigmatize each other are even more likely than others to get infectious diseases (colds, flu, etc.) due to a weakened immune system. Moreover, stigmatization is the most important predictor of divorce.

Suggestions

To avoid stigmatization, you can create a culture of appreciation and respect between two people.

Method 1: Express appreciation, gratitude, and respect to each other often so that a positive atmosphere can be established to help buffer negative emotions.

Method 2: When there is no conflict, run the partnership well, as if you are saving money in the bank, which will reduce the frequency and intensity of the conflict.

3. What to avoid is defensiveness

Defense can be understood as the self-protection of the party being hurt. Many people will be criticized will be defensive, but research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect, the offensive party will not back down or apologize, because the defense is a way to condemn the partner.

For example, when a person is criticized for "always watching TV when he gets home," he might get defensive like this: "What do you mean? Who says I'm always watching TV, I'm working! Can't I watch the news? You're the one who's always watching TV and the kids!" This defense means, "The problem is not me, it's you." As a result, instead of resolving the matter, the conflict escalates.

Suggestions

To avoid defensiveness, you have to take responsibility.

For example, in the above scenario, the criticized party can say something like this: "I know you are tired and have a busy day, but I am also tired after a long day at work and just want to relax through the TV. How about this, how about I help you take care of the kids together now, and then later in the day we go out for a relaxing walk together?"

By taking responsibility for part of the conflict, you can switch your role in the conflict and prevent it from escalating. Then communicate from there and try to reach a consensus with each other.

4、What to avoid is silent resistance

Silent resistance, also known as the cold war, means that one party in the conflict stops talking and no longer responds. Although the cold war can avoid a bigger argument, but the silence also dashes the hope of resolving the dispute.

Suggestions

The way to avoid silent resistance is to "take a break. There is a clear difference between taking a break and running away.

First, you can't just leave the other person in the middle of an argument. If there is an argument, let the other person know why you are leaving before you leave, for example by saying, "You know what, I'm having a really hard time listening to you right now, so I'll be back in 20 minutes so we can keep talking.

Second, take a break to completely distract from the conflict and take at least 20 minutes because it takes a long time for emotional hormones to subside. When you have rested enough and your mind becomes clear, start communicating with the other person again.

The male is very important in the handling of the relationship. It is the male's job to restrain himself from responding in a way that neither humiliate nor criticizes the other person when the woman is in a mood or when she is critical.

Of course, it does not mean that men should be condescending and agree to everything, but rather be strong listeners and listen to the other person's thoughts.