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Inheritance

compassion

By hadiyah Published 2 years ago 5 min read
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So. I have a story for you. about my mother and the inheritance she left.

There once was a young body bursting with joy who lived under the rule of a caregiver who prayed to shame for forgiveness. They hid the joy they experienced and judged it to be superficial and not godly, but they couldn’t stop being attracted to what their heart liked.

So what could they do with all the heartbreak they sat in. there was no time to wade through those waters, there were young bodies needing their under functioning stability. So they chose to over perform their role of caregiver. Mothering to those who had no connection to the sacred womb of their lineage. their own mothering energy. Offering a sort of Frankenstein smorgasbord of mothering behaviors, mothering from a brain under functioning. and a heart stuck in the muck of heartbreak. Passing. they looked responsible and they did all the things responsible beings are known to do. They fitted right into the world that offered an impression of escape. offered what looked like a reprieve.

Under the mask they forgot they created for a reason, they married and had a child. Then they divorced, single moming it. Back here again, they experienced. bitterness peaking. Seeking nourishment. reconciliation. wholeness. they journeyed forward. persistent and denying their heartbreak. which ironically offered what they seek.

They marry who they believe is the love of their life and two more kids are needed. Exhaustion is never acknowledged. even though logic knows. They live a life filled with rage unexpressed. not allowed or appropriate given their female presenting body. yet they find a false comfort in the familiarity of their shared conditioning…

Then the love of their life’s spine breaks. Spine surgery ensues followed by an intense recovery and a physical instrument of stability nailed to the skull of her husband. to say pain is felt does not feel true enough.

He was the Yang energy she relied on. The pain increased even after the bars intended for supporting alignment healing were released. More drugs were given then in the night her husband died. and here she was, once again, after previously doubling down her duty to be good, a single mom of three.

She sued the doctor for malpractice and lost. again. accumulation of new and old heartbreak. shame. and bitter energy. fueled her drive to provide. and she was successful. She retired early, a gift from the god she begrudgingly submitted to. And so she stewed. brewing more bitter. able to afford luxuries that shame did not allow her to enjoy.

She first started judging then practiced being petty then prick prick prick she projected. She stayed in her head away from the pain in her body so a stroke came. to call her back into the game. She refused. her daughters offer of companionship. righty so with her yang energy depleted. So she continued to marinate in her stagnant history.

The false empowered one became her mask so depression came to visit. invisible to the heartbreak, denial became the only way to see. She did not feel the cancer that had rooted in her womb until stage 4. Her uterus was removed, and that body overstimulated by pain and unseen was drenched in painfull chemicals. chemicals she never chose when she had a choice, she was always into natural medicines. She existed in pain, her only reprieve was shame. and moments of light that surfaced so many ghosts that it became too unbearable. she exploded, still unable to fully release. She died.

Of course there are so many more layers. And things I didn’t say. Things that I don’t know and things that I sensed. I followed in her footsteps however I never felt satisfied, spiritually and I allowed that to bug me. I stayed present with that uncomfortable experience and it encouraged my curiosity. and she affirmed my various expeditions enough for someone like me. where a little goes a long way. a little bit I could make into everything.

that’s my illusion, that is what people don’t see… the little. they see what I made from scraps and borrowed things. and the congratulate me and say pretty things. All the while I’ve been trying to figure out, what I now know, was her original heartbreak she received from her mother and father.

I was saved many times from replicating the error she did not address, but the one that sticks out is when I became her caregiver in a physical sense after her stroke. I had saved about 10k after my second Galileo pod season and was planning to travel. and she had a stroke so that first year it was me and her.

I used that time and learned about Dr Gabor Mate and Kristin Neff. my angels I now see. I used that time to deconstruct my emotional body bc I didn’t want to have a stroke. I learned my gma, her mom had a stroke in her early years, the pattern, a peek into a possible future was clear.

That shook me out of the sleep I hadn’t fully realized I was in. and placed me on the journey I was on when we met, another moment of note that saved me. no matter what you think or believe, me meeting you and experiencing what we share gave my heart something to believe in. even if it is not fulfilled by us, I know there is holy partnership out in these streets. and like I mentioned earlier, a little goes a long way for an oracle. energy healer. dreamer. lover. a kid now in a space to play. with my heart’s desire. no more mothering unless it’s little hadiyah I’m nourishing

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About the Creator

hadiyah

I am a tattoo artist.

that works soul deep.

the potency leads to rebirth.

so death is how we will see.

your heart.

is all you need.

xoxo

come play with me.

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