In the Garden of Loneliness

It´s a Monday night and I am here alone. I am sitting in my bed listening to Lloyd as he croons ¨Slow wine, Bassline.¨ So many thoughts are in my head till it isn´t funny.

I have tried reading scripture and praying, but I can´t seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. I can´t shake the thought that I´m all alone in this world and no one wants to take time to love me like I desire to be loved.

I feel as if I am that woman that you see in those television movies. Her husband has left her for some younger blonde across town and she longs for the touch of a man. She wants to feel sexy. She wants to feel wanted.

I am her. She is me. I want to be loved. I want to be desired. I want to be told that I´m beautiful as I enter my home from a hard day on the job. I want more than just a passing fling.

As I press through this ramble, I wonder who is going to love me at the end of the day? Who is going to hold me in the midnight hours? Who will be my knight in shining armor?

For the last couple of weeks, this has been my mind´s pit stop. It really got intense during the fourth of July.

It started when I met this attractive, brown skin Adonis of a person. He was non-binary and very charismatic. Hell, he even recommended some phenomenal music to me. This Adonis and I chatted on the phone for over two hours. It was a great conversation. I even invited him to the open mic event that was held in an adjacent park.

I had some hope that this would turn into a good friendship with the potential to blossom into something bigger. However, I hoped a little too hard. I had called and text him hours before the open mic event. I received no response. I decided to give him a week to respond.

He never responded, so I ended up deleting him on the app we met on and I deleted him from my phone.

I felt betrayed in a sense. I chatted with him and let my guard down. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. I may have let my guard down too early, but it was worth it.

I felt as if I wasn´t enough for him just from the first conversation. I felt as if something I said ran him away. I basically blamed myself for being ghosted.

It would´ve felt better if he had let me know at the end of the conversation that he wasn´t interested or at least the next day so I wouldn´t be embarrassing myself by putting myself out there like that.

Don´t get me wrong I knew we weren´t dating or anything as we just met and chatted on the phone. However, he made me feel like I had something to look forward to. I guess I misread the signals.

As a result, I decided to take a break from the dating world. Most of the people I cross paths with are just looking for a quick eruption of bodily fluids whereas I desire and deserve more.

Sometimes I feel as if I´m asking for too much. I feel as if I´m being a real shrew when it comes to my demands from Cupid. I just want what I want and I am going to get what I want!

I hate being in the garden of loneliness. It is no light here. Just depression, anger, and longing. Someone come get me out of this garden.