In My house

Sometimes we meet people at a time in life and jump into things because we ourselves are in need or are missing something in life. I what will be the great love in my life as well as the greatest heartbreak. You see dealing with mental illness in your home is not the same as working with mental illness, I learned this the hard way. I always could not understand why so many people who suffer from mental illness are so isolated from their families.

I meet him 10 years ago, I fell in love right away he was so kind and would do anything to make sure I was okay. Not to mention that he was a great son to both his parents, I know he had a past but it did not bother me. He could not have been as bad as what I used to deal with in my life at the time. I was in a place where I was so alone and needed compassion desperately. That a story for another time, I was alone.

I had been for a long time and I am not sure if all that he was promising was what blinded me. I learned quickly about the temper and the up and downs that I was about to face for the next ten years.

The first time I could never forget, he had some issues that he never really dealt with about his childhood and we were celebrating our first holiday together. It was about two years into the relationship and we just moved in together and we were expecting our first child. I knew he was acting funny that last couple of days, and I simply asked if we were going to his parents’ house first or to mine. He started yelling about the never celebrated holidays and didn’t care about them now. I can remember it like it happened yesterday, I kneed in front of him and went to grab his hand to comfort him because I can see this was a soft spot for him. He pushed my hand away so hard he made me fall on the floor. I just walked away and went into the bathroom and cried. He came int9o the bathroom and said he was sorry, but I didn’t feel the apology was real. We visited family and went back home, I didn’t even want to announce my pregnancy. He did, I was just thinking what did I get myself into. I never really celebrated holidays the same way again. You must ask but why I spent the enter holiday session making sure not to upset him. I have seen the look in his eyes and I did not feel like pushing the issues so I just stop celebrating holidays. Things only got worse from there, he would go through these up and downs where he loved me unconditionally. Then there were the days where all of his life mishaps were my fault. I have never cried so much in my life. I mean my childhood wasn’t shit, but the feeling of not know who you were waking up to in the morning. This takes a toll on you, loved him so much and I had more children with this man and things were just never getting better. I tried to get him to get help and he would say that nothing was wrong with him it was me and my jealousy. Yes, that is another chapter to this story. I needed my head exam, I would say at least he was going to leave me. I ended up being the sole provider for the family, and still, he expected me to cook, clean, and take care of the children. When he was at his manic he would help and do things around the house. I would come home house would be clean and dinner cook, I was his queen. But when he was down he was down and I would affect everyone in the home, he would sleep for hours and no noise could be made, He would flip out and throw things. And oh my god the words he would use. I become every name in the book, I was his worst enemy. I would try to discuss the things that happened and, guess what he never remembers how it happened. His reality of things was never 100 percent factual. He would never say sorry again after the first time, now it just became normal for him to behave that way with me. I started to isolate myself from friends and family because he always had an issue with me having them around. Someone was always trying to get him and I didn’t want anyone to know the real him, because they all loved the good person he was when he was okay. Hey did not see the dark side that I had to deal with day in and day out. To the word, he was the greatest father and husband. I never spoke ill of him and still don’t till this day. I divide into work more and school just to hold on to a sense of myself.

Before meeting him I took care of myself physically and emotionally, excelled at work and in school because of my determination. He had me at the point of what was the point in anything do, I would look at my kids and think I am so sorry I brought you into this world to have to deal with this. They deserved so much better when I was able to give. Nothing was what I imagined. I imagined getting married having a family, having a partner, in a life that we could support each other. Instead, I got broken promised from a man that was not capable of fully loving me or comminuting to anything. I have lost faith in God, lost faith in people, and worst of all lost faith in myself and this was just in two years. Was afraid to reach out to anyone because they would just say leave him, this is abuse. He was mentally ill not abusive, but if you continue reading you would say there was no difference, to anyone looking in. I changed job, I reinvent myself, I was struggling alone and he did not help. I was losing in this game of life and I knew that I couldn’t because I had little people that looked up to me and they did not ask to be born.