If your love wants to walk away, for goodness sake, let them

I can say with great confidence, that this is both the rule to move on if you need to and to get them back if it’s meant to be. It’s something that is definitely endorsed by the famed love guru Mathew Hussey, with good reason. It’s an aspect of our Psychology that makes sense when you stop to review it.

You’re there. We’ve all been there. And if you haven’t been there, my bets are on it happening one day. You’ve caught feelings, you love the person, you can’t imagine your life without them. They are woven seamlessly into your life and your daily thought process. So what happens when they want to walk away?

A mass of emotions flurries in. Hurt, shock, surprise, followed by blind panic. This can’t be right. In every aspect of life, broken things can and must be fixed, solutions can be found. We feel around blindly for a way to make things right. The interesting thing is a similar reaction would probably come from the other person, had you brought it up when they weren’t expecting it. Your love has thought about it, considered it, mentally prepped for it. You haven’t. You start behaving in a way that you would call ridiculous if you were watching it from the outside. It’s to do with ego. It’s to do with understanding the situation and yourself.

First off, what this is really about, is you. Your self-esteem, your self-worth and your mental image of yourself. You have been rejected, your whole belief in being a person that is wanted, desired, attractive, by extension successful, now becomes reliant on the person rejecting you. If you let them walk away, if you let them “win”, all of a sudden you feel that you become unattractive, undesirable, unwanted, a failure in your own mind. You start to question you at your depth. They liked you at the beginning, what have they realised about you that is so flawed and wrong? This is one of the reasons it is so hard to let the person walk away.

The other reason, is we are creatures of habit. We have evolved to hate change. Routine means stability, stability means safety and safety means survival. Our whole system resists this change, particularly because a partner is the person who becomes integrated into our lives in a way that few other people are. They’re the first person we call when things go wrong, they’re the ones we expect to speak to every day, the ones we assume we’ll see on the weekend. And for some the ones we see ourselves in a projected future with a potential family. We feel their loss in a BIG way.

So I’ve just explained how your feelings are actually based on perceptions of yourself and your life. This, in fact, has no reflection on your lover. He or she may not be so great or the right person for you at all. Let’s go back to the first point. This person has CHOSEN to leave you, has chosen to disregard you. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that’s particularly attractive, desirable, something I’d want. It should be extremely unattractive. You should have confidence in yourself and your ability to cope independently. Easier said than done, boy do I know.

The sooner you let that go, the sooner you move on, the sooner you find the person who DOES want you as much as you want them or conversely the sooner you find joy in your solitude.

But what if he/she’s the one? Will I spend the rest of my life regretting not fighting to get him/her back?

If this is true, let me guarantee something for you. “Fighting”, trying to keep the person with you and so on, DOES NOT get them back.

Story Time

I was seeing a man. A lovely man. A man who on paper was absolutely perfect. Kind, generous, handsome, successful. But I was at that stage 2 months in where I wasn’t so sure we were right for each other. There was a slight language barrier and I wasn’t sure if we were really able to connect intellectually. He’d fallen head over heels in love already. Now at this point I wasn't looking to necessarily end things completely but go on a break and have some space. I had that conversation and he agreed to respect what I wanted. A day went by and I did miss him, I wanted to message him and didn’t. I was about to. But then, he broke and began messaging again, refusing to give the space I had asked for. He kept trying and trying to convince me that we were right for each other, fighting for me in ways that increased in magnitude. The more he tried, the less attractive he became. So yes, I have been both on the receiving and giving end of this painful cycle and in the past, I made the same mistakes as him.

By letting the person go, you give them a chance to miss you. To appreciate what they are potentially giving up. If you try to put forward to them your arguments and rationalisations you will do three things:

1. You will start being labelled as an irritation and pestilence to them.

2. You will show that you are not willing to listen to them and hear what they are saying, in this way you are disrespecting them.

3. You are basically showing them that you don’t believe they can make their own decisions and know your own mind.

If the person is right for you. Make it clear that you would want to try and then, let them walk away. If you let them walk you do the following:

1. They will feel that you have respected them and their decisions.

2. It’s a little slap back to THEIR ego in showing you don’t need them to survive. You are also not any burden on them because you can perfectly function without them.

3. They will have an opportunity to miss you, to see how different their life is without you. Because you would go from being a reliable point of contact and a big part of their life, to nothing. That’s a drastic change that they would certainly feel.

If this person is not right for you, they will respect you for letting them be free, but they will not miss you. They will feel they have made the right decision and they will not come back. But if it’s what they truly want, allowing them to walk away will make them want to walk back and reevaluate the situation. Either way you will reach the path in your life that you are supposed to. You will not cause anyone to resent you. Which brings a whole new pain of its own.

If you fight to keep someone who doesn't really want to be there, you put yourself in a position of receiving pain in the relationship. It brings frustration and discomfort, and with this conflict and potentially the loss of that person forever. You have to trust this system and look after yourself because you deserve to be appreciated and wanted.

In the words of Cardi B: Karma will be the one you end up with.

You are worth so much more than that. If someone chooses to walk away from the absolute gloriousness that is you? Let them. You shouldn't have to convince anyone of your worth.

I hope you found this article useful and that it gives you some comfort.

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