I've Met the Love of My Life

Oh, the wonderful world of online dating. If you're one of those 45 year old men that just went through their third divorce and second mid-life crisis who's using eHarmony and Match.com, this is not the article for you. So start up your red Porsche 911 and move on over, this is all about us 20 something year old degenerates looking to get our stank on once or twice a week.

If you're like me, you've had a Tinder account since you got your first boner. As you began to appreciate women more, you probably made a Bumble. Once you got desperate for love, you made a Hinge. If you felt like being really classy, you probably also signed up for the League. It's just a way of life for us now.

There are very few people who can go on Tinder and every right swipe is a match. For the rest of us Average Joes, these dating apps are a game of strategy. It's like Clash of Clans but with sex. Should my pictures be sexy, or funny? Should my bio be a funny pickup line, or my most recent resume? Is this picture of me holding a fish going to make girls wet?

In short, yes yes no. Have a good mix of sexy and funny pictures. One picture should be something like you at the beach shirtless with all the boys, so long as all the boys are morbidly obese and you look better. Your bio should be funny, but informative. If you're a stock broker, let the ladies know you're boring as shit, but you make a lot of money. Oh, you're a stock broker that's also into sky diving? Say your job is boring and if it gets too unbearable you know exactly how to end it.

This leaves us with the dreaded fishing pic. Don't get me wrong, I am an avid fisherman, and have a lot of photos of me holding average sized fish, but I'll be damned if I let that define my sex life. I don't care if you're the CEO of a fishing charter in the Bahamas and own 6 boats. Let them figure that out after you tell them you make six figures and have 4 houses in the Caribbean. Unless you legitimately set the world record for catching the biggest fish, don't post fishing pics. Even if you did set the world record, still don't post it. Just say you set a world record. Ladies love mystery. World record in what? Best personality? Biggest schlong? Biggest douchebag? I guess she'll have to find out.

Okay. You've swiped on every girl in a 100 mile radius, and now have a match. What do you do? There's two options here, ask them a personal question, or drop a funny pickup line. Maybe do both and hit her with the old, "are you from Tennessee?" line and see how that goes. Personally, after years of heart break I've decided that the good ole "Hey, how's it going?" will suffice. If you're someone who's wetting their whistle at least once every month or so like myself (humble brag), you aren't looking for a quick bang from some sorority girl with a lip tat.

So what do women want? If I knew I wouldn't be writing this article, I'd be the new Hugh Heffner. But what I have figured out is that women want one of four things:

The first type girls are looking for is a funny guy. David Spade is a prime example. The guy dated international sex symbol Pamela Anderson for fuck's sake. He's no Zac Effron if we're talking looks, but I'll be damned if he isn't one funny bastard.

The second type that's always a guaranteed 2:10 ratio is athletes. Look at Wayne Gretzky. Average looking dude with a banging wife. Not convinced? Look up his daughter with Janet Jones, Paulina. She's married to average looking golf super star Dustin Johnson. I rest my case.

The third type girls are looking for is an smart guy. Do you know who Scott Kelly is? Me neither but he's an astronaut. And you can't go to space without having an IQ that's double the national average. (Look this one is a stretch, think more so Leonard in the Big Bang Theory).

I'm sure you probably figured out the final type of guy that the ladies swoon for, and if you haven't you're dumb. Women love attention. David Spade, Dustin Johnson, Scott Kelly, are all some of the most famous people in their fields, and women eat that shit up. But what else does fame bring? Money. The guy who coined "a diamond is a woman's best friend" didn't pull that out of his ass. It's rooted in cold hard truth.

What does this mean for us sub par male specimens? We'll never be good enough for the super models, but at least we know what to shoot for. For me, I am none of these types. I like to think I'm funny, but let's be honest, I just ramble about random shit all the time. What I do know is that as long as we have Tinder and other promiscuous apps of the sort, there's a chance for us to find love one day, or at least catch our nut.

Coleman, out.