I Used To Break Every Mirror

There's an old saying, "breaking a mirror brings seven years of bad luck," and though I never remembered physically breaking one, I grew up looking into any mirror and saw cracked pieces. My reflection was always a topic of conversation with myself because I felt like I didn't belong to the body that stood in front of me. I developed poor self-esteem and made careless life choices that hindered growth throughout my twenties. However, something changed in me when I turned twenty-five; I threw caution to the wind and sold my car, moved to California, followed a small path to expand my passion for writing, moved back home to South Carolina, then moved to Michigan, and stumbled into finding the beginning of a mirror I couldn't break.

Throughout my teenage years I was taught that being straight was the only way and any other thought was bad. I tucked away any stray wonder of being with a woman and moved on with my life, though, thoughts have a way of always coming back when they're meant to. I came out shortly after moving to California and that was the first time I'd ever been able to be truly happy with myself but that was the first step.

I'd been lying to myself all my life up until then. I had to follow my heart and embark on a path I never thought I'd be able to walk. I had a great fear of losing my loved ones, my friends, and the way my life would be perceived. I remember prepping myself in front of my bathroom mirror at that time, resting my shaky hands on the counter, inhaling deeply and exhaling so hard I was making myself dizzy. How can I explain the life I'm living now to people who know me? What will they say? Who will I lose? How would I know if whoever I speak to about a significant other is accepting? The negatives fed my anxiety and didn't leave any room for the positive aspects of living for me. Many thoughts shook me that day and the only thing that made me feel comfortable was writing it out in a blog and posting it on social media. I was terrified but that fear helped me be more prideful in who I am and I didn't realize that until I finally hit that 'post' button.

Being honest with myself was the hardest and most satisfying feeling I'd ever felt.

A whole new world opened up for me when I stopped caring about losing those who could not love me for who I am. I stopped worrying about what kind of "lifestyle" being gay is classified as among society. I met the negativity with positivity and empowerment because as long as I could stand on my own two feet and not feel like my heart was going to break, I would be able to breathe better. Living up to others' exceptions was suffocating and it was time that I cared for my own first.

It was like every shattered piece of a mirror was slowly being put back into place so I could look at myself how I'd always wanted to.

This discovery of my sense of self evolved into opportunities for me career wise and developing friendships outside of my comfort zone but I still had a lot of learning about what life had in store for me. I began breaking out of my shell and embracing change. Though, the relationships that I was apart of didn't always reflect that as there were parts of me that were still healing from the years I hid from myself.

From twenty-six to thirty-two, I was involved in two extremely difficult relationships that really halted my ability to grow. The first was three years of verbal abuse and constant ridicule but I stayed because she loved me. Someone wanted me. She broke me down and let me believe that how she was treating me was what I deserved. I finally left after I developed enough courage and it took me a whole year to rewire my brain so I could figure out who I was again. I didn't want to be someone that felt so desperate. I wanted to be secure enough that I didn't need someone, that all I needed was me. The second went from healthy to unhealthy in a matter of months and lasted for two years; I learned the most about myself during this time period, though. I realized what I was finding in someone was compassion for myself that didn't come from them, I was mistaking gifts for care, I believed lies because of hopes, and suddenly found myself not being able to make any decisions that mattered to me.

Every mirror I froze in front of was breaking again but I grew tired of bleeding from picking up the pieces.

I began sticking to standing up for my thoughts, feelings, and dreams. Saying it out loud was a lot more powerful than I could imagine. I set boundaries for those around me and I stopped letting disapproval sway my inspiration. It was like I had forgotten why I needed healing in the first place and that I was still healing. So, I had to sort myself out again and really put my wants and needs FIRST. It was something I always wanted to do but could never stick to because it made me feel good to help others and then I could work on me. The problem was and always will be, though, that people who need help will never get it from anyone else but themselves. They have to put in the work and the rest will follow. Oh, how my eyes opened to major self-realization.

The journey to meeting yourself halfway is never-ending, I have learned. I am coming to terms with that and that is an exciting part of life. I found myself setting forth goals for what needed to be done to further exposure in writing, I looked into better career opportunities within Michigan. Here I was, living in a new state yet again but this time I didn't know anyone at all until I did.

My life has become a rom-com movie since. I met a woman with every intention of staying friends but with the way I was setting my life up from here on out, destiny had other plans. We both had work to do on ourselves and didn't want to rush into a relationship. We both had determination, life goals, responsibilities, and just an all out healthy balance of stability. Those were all things that I'd never found in anyone else. As one can guess, friendship developed into the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever known. She's the reason I've strayed on some paths set for me and some not. I was a lost girl that struggled through life and love and wandered aimlessly in my world just to be part of hers one day. With her, I've been able to maintain the me of me; I can breathe again, I don't have to hide any weird part of me that I think is there because she finds it endearing, I can have dreams that she'll support, I can have opinions, I can have thoughts and ideas that she'll indulge, I can be me. I can be a human with another human being. I don't feel like a shadow next to her, I feel whole.

My heart used to break every mirror I looked into because I couldn't see who I wanted to looking back at me. Nowadays, I smile back with confidence and pride, my eyes do this weird and happy squint thing when I feel my ears stretch back because of that smile. Reflections are powerful and vision is more than just what your eyes see.