"I Thought I Wanted A Lover"

I thought I wanted a Lover, someone who would fulfill the needs that my spouse didn't, wouldn't meet. I had it all worked out in my mind of how it would play out and in my mind, it all seemed just fine. One thing I never expected or even planned was for me to fall in love with my Lover. This thing was supposed to be a "Friends with Benefits," he was only meant to be used for those nights when I wanted sex or just a warm body to be near me. Maybe a phone call or dirty, flirtatious text. What I got in return was something sweeter and actually very genuine.

Someone once told me that there are three ingredients to a relationship. 1. Communication, 2. Stability and 3. Sex, the most important ingredient of all. I have pondered that for a while now and have come to the conclusion that it’s very possible to have all three. The key in getting them all is having the right person in your life. I believe that we’ve all been taught that there is obvious give and take in a relationship. But what happens when we decide it’s ok to give up one of the three ingredients? IT’S CALLED SETTLING AND CONFORMING! No one should settle or conform or better yet, alter their standards. I only had one of the three and so I made the decision to get the other two from somewhere else. Selfish I know but hey, who’s getting hurt? Something I grew up being told and actually witnessed.

I had my eyes on a certain person. He is definitely the ultimate “Eye Candy” did I mention he was single!?! Now, I knew there was something very different about him which intrigued me all the more. So I made up in my mind that he was the one I wanted. Yes, I loved my spouse at least so I thought but my spouse could really only offer me one out of the three ingredients, stability. I know, most would probably say, “And then why in the hell are you still there?” That’s easy, although selfish as it seems, I had to make sure my financial needs were met. I never considered whether or not my Lover could even meet those feet at the time and let’s just be honest, I had no intentions of anything other than just a good time. All I knew is that I NEEDED communication and sex.

I made my decision to go after my kill. I charmed him with my smile and my playful banter. Every chance I had, I would arouse him with my scent and sensuality. My eyes have always been the center of my attraction so I would occasionally throw out a questionable look that makes one go, “Hhhmm?” To finish off my prey, I would lightly and accidental like brush up against him. My Lover was now quite aware that it was ok for him to approach me when he was ready. This happened the same day with no hesitation. See, my prey isn’t easy. I usually pick the ones that are hard to get and those are the ones that I watch and calculate when it is the right time to make my move.

After I knew I had his attention, I told him that I would need his contact information in case of an emergency. By that I’m sure it’s assumed, he is around me a lot. He obliged and let me know that I could call on him anytime. I read that as, “You can call me even if it’s not an emergency.” We started getting acquainted; it was quite nice and natural. I would find him coming around more frequently. Always a “Good Morning” or a “You look beautiful today.” He was wooing me and I enjoyed it, so much so I started stepping up my appearance. Now I’ve never been too hard on the eyes but I started feeling more alive. Who in the world would have thought me, the Prowess would fall hard!?! One small and detrimental flaw, I am still married and I had no intention of leaving or giving up my stability.

The tables have turned, I am now weak and he has caught on to my horrible game. He starts pulling away and I am left fighting and begging him to stay. Making empty promises all for what I thought I wanted which was a “Lover.” The realization hits me, it actually consumes me! I don’t want a “Lover!” So many things start to plague me in fact they are haunting me in my dreams. I am lost, alone, unhappy, miserable, and scared. My first true admission was the person staring at me in the mirror, "ME." The dark side of me had consumed what was once full of light. How was I ever going to find that person again? Another truth set in one that most choose not to speak on but for me, it was now time to face my reality.