I Remember It All

This song was particularly hard for me to write. I had been working on it for so long. I didn't know if I would actually ever finish it or not because it hurt so much. It's strange how people you once thought you'd never miss a day seeing become a stranger to you. You wake up with the realization that no matter what you do or say, things will just never be the same. That's what happened here.

I haven't talked in detail about this part of my past. It's a wound still, and not a full scar. It's getting there though. I was young... so so young. Exploring the world of Yahoo chat rooms. Talking to every pervert that showed me an ounce of attention. 14 years old talking to men that were in their mid 20's... being told I was beautiful and drinking up the attention because I thought that meant I was valuable in a world I felt so disposable in.

I learned quickly these dudes said the same generic lines to every girl that came in the chat rooms... but not before I met him. BigJayShibby... as if that stupid fucking name wasn't enough to lead me running screaming towards the hills... stupid 14 year old Sara gave the douche bag the time of day he genuinely never deserved.

We talked a lot and eventually he became someone I felt I could actually talk to. Though quite frankly, he annoyed me. I thought he was weird... but I was taught to belittle my feelings. To not trust my gut. To be nice. Quiet. Polite. So I was. I listened to all of the crap he was spoon feeding me. Lies upon lies.

The first big one being that he was only 16. He wasn't. He was 20. He knew how old I was and that didn't deter him either... in fact, he seemed obsessed with my purity. He loved that I was a shut in who was as pale as a fucking vampire living in the middle of the Mojave Desert. It's because I wasn't allowed to leave the house... I had been put on homeschool to help take care of all of my sisters kids and by this time was cutting pretty badly. I wore a huge jacket everywhere, even in the house. How could light ever reach me? He loved that. He loved everything. He told me all the time.

Randomly, he came up missing. He lived 6 hours away from me in Manteca and all I had was this shitty email telling me that hearing my voice over the phone hurt him so much because we lived so far away and he couldn't just see me any time he wanted. So I wrote back to him, cool... I won't call.

Two weeks go by and in this time, I met her.

His sister. She messaged me on a website called Hi5 and just said Hiiii!! I had no idea who she was. I'd never even met him in person. I didn't even know he had siblings. She said he's gotten my email and was so sad I didn't want to talk to him anymore. So, feeling guilty, I called. In the background, I hear, "Tell her he's out with his other girlfriend." and then I'm hung up on. I asked his sister about it. She told me it was her uncle making jokes.

Turns out, he would be one of the biggest assholes in that family... but also the only honest one.

He WAS out with his other girlfriend. He had MANY. I wouldn't actually find this out until it was too late. Before long, I was living with him after facing abuse at home and giving my mom the ultimatum of choosing her husband or me after being punched in the face by this clown. She chose him. She didn't want me to leave... but also, I wasn't going to stay if he was there. SO, 15 year old Sara left to be an adult.

Before leaving, I told the guy maybe I could stay just long enough to finish school. I would be graduating early because of homeschool. He cried. I stupidly gave in and he was on his way to pick me up. Immediate regret hit me right in the face like a bag of bricks...

He had come to visit me exactly twice before I moved in. The first time was annoying... the second time was unbearable. I remember he put his full weight (400 pounds) on top of me in Walmart when a guy friend I had gone to school with said hi to me, already claiming territory. He wouldn't stop touching me and trying to kiss me and trying to sneak into my bedroom after my mom was asleep. I was so excited to take him back to the bus station and be rid of him.

The minute we dropped him off, I asked my mom, "Am I supposed to be this annoyed with someone I am supposed to like?" She told me it was normal. SO, that day, moving into a whole new life 6 hours away from any family, I pushed aside my feelings yet again and tried to be ok.

We pulled up to Manteca and out came his sister to greet me. She gave me a huge hug. This was going to be ok. We became INSTANT friends. We took pictures together, watched movies, did makeup, she taught me how to straighten my hair, we watched music videos and Dane Cook stand up. We went to the mall and would make videos under the Youtube name of RejectedPlaymates as a joke. We made comedy shows and did photoshoots. We dyed our hair so many colors and bought wigs. I have more memories being her best friend than I have being her brothers girlfriend and ultimately fiancé.

I even went to prom with her. We drew all the wall art for an Alice in Wonderland themed prom and went to get our hair and nails done. She went as the Mad Hatter and I went as Alice. We smoked weed together for the first time. Did shrooms together for the first time. I nearly died from alcohol poisoning at 17 when I got smashed at my first party with her and she held my hair all night while I puked my guts out.

One year, for my birthday, her and our other bestie came over to my house while he left. They got me higher than I have ever been in my life. I had never seen so much weed in one place. I wasn't big on smoking. I had no interest in drugs... but she wanted to do it and I was upset at him... again. So I did it. A year later, we'd also try Salvia for the first and my ONLY time. 0/10 stars. Do not recommend.

At some point, she decided to tell me that he had cheated on me. She gave me full disclosure of everything that happened. I wasn't surprised. I knew. But it felt good to actually hear it come out into the open. And oh... by the way, he had done it multiple times. With multiple people. Someone who claimed to be so virginal and was already abusing me on multiple levels and accusing me of things I wasn't even doing was somehow the victim. How dare his sister "rat him out".

Funnily enough, he suggested we go spend some alone time to clear our heads. So he took me alone to Cherry Lake. This after trying to run me down with his Bronco and throwing my engagement ring into Rainbow Pools when I called him out. I'd already faced multiple forms of abuse from him holding me down and throwing up on me while he was drunk to having to clean his piss off the walls because he was too drunk to find the toilet and everything in between. But I stayed, like the idiot I was. I felt trapped. I wasn't allowed to get my license, or a job that didn't include his family members.

I could work at the Evergreen Lodge, where everyone could watch me and be sure I wasn't cheating on him. His whole family worked there, so that was safe. He didn't want a job though. He wanted to live with mommy and daddy forever.

I was a shell of a person and beginning to have panic attacks. All I heard was what a heart of gold this douche bag had. We shared a nook underneath his moms room and I had to listen while they chatted about "What to do about me" because I "wouldn't stop fighting with him." I was accused of stealing money from his mom, turned out that was him. I was the live in maid and babysitter to his other sisters daughter (I genuinely didn't mind taking care of the baby, I loved her. She called me Aunt Dodo).

More and more cheating came to light. So now, we have our "alone time." Cherry Lake. He promises to come clean about everything. He lists all the girls he's cheated on me with, and jokingly, I throw a name out there he had bashed over the years. A girl who would have only been 13 at the time of the alleged incident I'd heard about. He said no... and I said, "You sure, because I can ask her." Then he came clean and my eyes nearly fell out of my head. Because he was serious.

He had sexually violated a 13 year old. But it was ok... because "She didn't seem 13." and she "knew so much." Also, "her mom is a prostitute so she's just learning the trade." I checked completely out. Whatever was left inside of me died.

We went home and I was practically catatonic. For a few weeks, I talked to no one. His sister, who had recently started dating a new guy, asked me what was wrong. She'd asked me a few times and finally, that day.. it all spilled out. The 13 year old was her friend. Her response was, "I wonder why she didn't tell ME." She said, "Pack your stuff. We're having a girls night. Sacramento. Me and you." I packed a bag and got in the van. He called. He told me he was also going to Sacramento with his dad. Something about cars. Fine.

She and I drive to Sacramento. The whole time, she's checking her phone while I'm spilling my guts to what was supposed to be my best friend. Finally, she tells me she'd invited her boyfriend along. I didn't want to be around any man. Not even hers. I checked out again. We got to the hotel and I threw my stuff on the bed. The night we had planned... movies, music, food, girl stuff. Completely ruined when her boyfriend shows up and begins to be sexual with her in a bed right next to me. I called him. Begged him to come get me. Cried my eyes out telling him I would be willing to work it out... if he would just come get me.

But he wouldn't. He couldn't. He was too tried after the drive and would come pick me up in the morning. I cried myself to sleep, listening to the two of them have sex in the next bed.

He showed up for me the next morning, so reliable. Ready to work things out. Problem was he was covered in glitter and smelled like he'd been dipped into an orgy of perfume. His dad boasted about how they'd been at the strip club and he'd paid extra to get his son a lap dance.

Eventually we got home and I immediately started thinking of ANY way to get out. At that time, I was contemplating suicide. I had all the tools. But... his dad and him ended up having a huge fight. His dad was telling him he was sick of him being a lazy slob and that he needed a job. His dad went onto the computer and filled out a truck driving application that involved months of schooling and he was hired.

Great! That would be perfect. I told him that would give us some breathing space and that I would pack all of our stuff and get ready for the move.

I was packing to escape.

I packed up my cats, my bunny, and the few things I could fit into a Blazer and his sister drove me to my moms house 6 hours away. This was only under the restrictions of me getting into beauty school and building up something on my end while he worked on his.

I cut him off. I didn't want to talk to him. I slowly cut the cord. Mom moved. He didn't know where the new house was. It ended. I was free.

But that also meant, I was the biggest super villain to ever exist. I had hurt their baby boy. I had betrayed the perfect family. I was a cheater. I was a liar. I was using him for his money. (We shared a Netflix account and a cell phone bill at the time WHILE he was claiming me on his taxes.) Eventually rumors began to fly that I was selling naked pictures to men for gifts and that I was on cocaine. I lost so much weight when I left that family... who knew cutting off toxic people could be such an incredible diet?

I entertained every bit of it. I had people messaging me asking about it from work at the Evergreen. What happened? Are you pregnant by someone else? Are you on drugs? Yep, sure am.. with triplets! Also, I'm on meth too! Great diet, I shit you not! I also have a website where I let grown men tie me up and tickle me for money (something I was actually asked to do while modeling but declined. Remember that in my horror story, The Masterpiece?)

I met my husband and we built a beautiful life and family. And I was wrong for that too. I was a traitor. And though I reached out a few times to fix the relationship with my best friend, it wasn't reciprocated.

It was awkward. She couldn't betray her brother that way. I understand being put in an awkward situation, but for me it was the fact that I had people telling me she was the supplier for many of the rumors about me.

Many years passed. We hadn't talked until about 2 years ago. I was going through old disks and SD cards of footage and found the last bit of videos we had made that I didn't throw away yet. I recorded pieces of them and pictures and sent them to her with the same thing I started this story out with. "It's weird when people who were once your best friends become nothing at all..." She responded how much she missed me and how she was so sorry for being a bad friend.

We've talked a handful of times since. But this song was in it's caterpillar phase the minute I found that footage. I finally finished it and I even sent it to her. She said she doesn't remember really anything from those days because she said she was confused. Everyone was telling her who to be and what to think and maybe some of that is true. I'm sure her family did poison her against me. They hated me. Her sister hated me because I was "good at everything" Their mom hated me because He told her I was the best cook and the skinniest person in the house...

So yeah, I'm sure they did poison her. I miss what we had... to a certain degree. She's right. She was a very bad friend. In the end. And even among the friendship. There was a time where I would have done literally anything for her. I don't feel that way anymore. But that teenager will always hold a special place in my heart because of the younger and more care free times. The memories we have. The times when she wasn't worried about whether or not her family thought I was good enough for her obese, lying, troll of a brother. She loved me for exactly who I was... at some point in time. And I felt the same for her.

This song has helped give me a little bit of closure.. but the vocals are a little harsh because I cried many times while trying to get them out.

Just like I am as I type this up.

The lyrics are obviously above. If you wanna hear them sung with a fun 80's type of vibe, press play below. Thanks for coming to my oversharing session. I always tell you guys I don't ever shutup. Do you believe me yet?

-Sara