I'm still learning about my Sexuality

I knew I liked boys and girls at school, though I hid it and covered it up for all my school life, afraid of what the others would think. During the time when I went to school, being part of the LBTQ communities was pretty much dismissed, ridiculed, and outcasted by those around me. I was also sexually abused at school, and severely bullied, so for myself, it was easier to keep my 'other side' trapped in a cage instead of showing people who I truly was and facing more bullying for being bi-sexual. Of course, as I got to those later years of puberty, the attraction grew stronger, but I stayed under the umbrella of 'heterosexual' instead, because that felt safer for me than coming out. I did find myself extremely attracted to both boys and girls at school, and that became more obvious once I reached around aged 14. I also found it difficult coming out and telling family, because my family life was quite difficult and I was worried about what they would think.

As I got to 15 years of age, I had a few relationships with both men and women, and I was worried and confused. To start with, I thought that there was something wrong with me because others kept telling me that I 'wasn't normal.' The bullying had also worsened, and it doubled when I came out and told others about my sexuality, I also lost friends for it and I was cut out of many things. I had a girlfriend for a short while, however, she is no longer here and I won't go into that, because it is too upsetting. I found that I was starting to become emotionally and sexually attracted to both men and women at the same time, which was difficult and confusing at times; more because I am not the kind of person who will see 2 people at the same time. I found this upsetting and I was ashamed and embarrassed about it for a number of years.

The shame and embarrassment went on until the end of 1998 when I met my partner (who is male). I had slept with women before meeting him, but I had kept many of those relationships secret because before meeting my partner my shame and embarrassment became worse after I was raped by a man and a woman. I had also suffered repeats of violence, trauma and, abuse leading up to meeting my partner. I have a feeling my partner knew of my sexuality because he often saw me eyeing up other women, and without realizing it, our conversations would sometimes result in me talking about them in sexual ways. I would often just make up the excuse of 'liking what she was wearing,' however, there were times when I would comment on how attractive they were and notice things that were sexually attractive about their bodies too, but after what I had been through, I was too scared to talk further than that, and I covered up the rest of my thoughts and feelings.

I deeply fell in love with my partner and my feelings for him were very strong. I started to realize I was going to have to talk about my attraction to women, because if we were going to take this further, then it was only fair that he should know before we let it get serious. I knew there was a risk of me falling in love with a woman while I was with him because I had strong deep desires for them. My partner asked me to marry him after I fell pregnant with our first child, and I wanted to, but I couldn't marry him without him knowing the whole me. This was really hard, after being abused, embarrassed, ashamed, and discriminated against for being me, and I hesitated for a while. I was scared that I would lose him and afraid of his reaction towards me. He was a nurse and he was familiar with the LBTGQ scene, but this felt uncomfortable because this man was asking for commitment before I had time to think about it.

I eventually came out at my parent's house when I and my stepdad were watching something on television that triggered the conversation. I am still not really confident about how my parents took that because they always appeared uncomfortable with it. Maybe it was shock or denial, I don't know. However, my partner took it well which shocked me quite a bit, though I did go on to marry him.

I am still learning about and coming to terms with my sexuality and my now husband who has been with me for over 21 years is very supportive of me. I haven't told many people where I live, because I still feel a little nervous about that, though I do when I can try to mix at a cafe where I can meet others who are also LBGTQ. I feel that although there are still some scary obstacles in the way, which may take me a lifetime to overcome, there is still hope; and the more people I meet who are like me, the more confident I will become with my sexuality.

I and my husband spend a lot of time talking about sexuality which really helps me. He is not the jealous type, and often he will sit with me commenting about attractive females on the television with me, and we often have plenty of laughs about who we are attracted to. This helps me, because the more we talk like this, the better I get at expressing things. He is only into women, but he is very accepting of sexuality.

I think more recently, I have more confidence in who I am for coming out; though I do feel I am not quite out properly yet, and I am still affected by the trauma which puts obstacles in the way. I am taking it step by step, because this is something I have to do slowly and with no pressure. My confidence will grow over time, but right now, I need more space in order to let that happen.

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