A letter to myself from the one who hurt me the most, written by me for me.
Learn to accept an apology you will never receive. That is what some people tell you in order to help you feel better about your demons. What they don't always understand is that sometimes those demons are so strong and you fight with them everyday. You take that pain out on the people who love you the most and that are the closest to you. So here is what I did. I wrote a letter to myself. In this letter is all the apologies I deserve. All the apologies I need to hear but I never will, and that is okay. I will never forget and in time I think I can forgive. Here it goes.
I am sorry. I am so sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you, make you cry, make you doubt yourself, and make you feel so worthless. I am sorry for all the times I tore you down to pieces and how I just left the pieces on the floor, I never put them back together. I am sorry that I took advantage of your ginormous heart. You have the type of heart that I do not deserve. I saw what you would give to me and I took you for everything you had to offer. I took your mind, soul, body, spirit, time, money, peace, safety, and trust. What I gave in return was pain, strife, fear, and sadness. You did not deserve the way I treated you. No one deserves to be treated with such hatred and little respect. I am sorry for all the times I accused you of going behind my back. I am sorry for all the times I broke your trust. I am sorry for all the ways I would play games with your mind and trick you into staying with me. You always see the best in anyone, including me, and it was so easy to manipulate that trait of you into something I could gain from. I’m sorry for cheating on you. I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I am sorry for all the times I laid hands on you. I am sorry for isolating you away from your friends and family. I am sorry for all the pointless fights I picked with you. I am sorry for all the bruises I gave to you. I am sorry for the pain I caused you; emotionally, mentally, and physically. There was nothing ever wrong with you. I take the blame for all our shortcomings. I was not human or man enough for you. I am sorry for all the awful things I said to you, about you, about your son, and about your past. You never deserved the bad things that happened to you, and they weren’t your fault. I am sorry for all the lies I told you to make you fall back for me every time you had enough of my shit. I am sorry for breaking your things when I was angry. I am sorry for being so angry all the time. I am sorry for blaming you for everything. I was too coward to take responsibility for my own actions. I am sorry I was never strong enough for you, and I am sorry that I let you outgrow me. I am sorry that I made you feel so worthless that you would want to take your own life, and I am sorry for threatening to take my own every time you had enough and wanted to leave me. I am sorry for fighting with you on Christmas and throwing you on to the floor, I am sorry you miscarried our baby, you would have been a wonderful mother to him/her and I would never have deserved the honor of parenthood. All my apologies could never erase what I put you through, I do not ask for your forgiveness, I know I will never be able to earn that or deserve that. You should be proud of how strong you are and how much stronger you have become. In the end my hope is that you can let it be what it was, never fall victim to the same mistakes, and continue to love, grow, and cherish your life. You deserve the world. You deserve the moon and all the stars. I did not lose you to anyone other than myself. Myself is what caused me to lose you and for that I apologize because I know the pain in your heart is a pain so great that even time itself makes it hard to heal. I hope you are doing well, and I hope you are safe, happy, and secure in your life. Farewell. All the best wishes.
About the author
I am a 27 year old mother, wife, and student. I love to write. Sharing my stories and experiences to bring awareness and show support for mental illness and domestic violence. I also do some food writing for fun.