I am a 27 year old mother, wife, and student. I love to write. Sharing my stories and experiences to bring awareness and show support for mental illness and domestic violence. I also do some food writing for fun.
So yes, I went back. After all of that I went back. I was afraid of what life might be like if I left, afraid of what he might do. I stayed for another year and half. I went through more abuse, physical and emotional. The fights would get to the point of no return each time ending in me in tears and trying to leave but he would block my way out. I contemplated jumping off our three-story patio on more than one occasion just to escape him.
There's a quote I have seen online, I think it was said to be Betty White. Something along the lines of don't tell someone to not be a pussy if you're trying to insult them, call them a testicle, one kick and that thing is done for. Those things can take a beating. If you think about it, women are pretty damn strong. There is no doubt that we are more mentally and emotionally strong than men, when it comes to physical strength, no doubt the majority of men would be stronger but that is due to anatomy and not "not having the balls (no literally)" or "being a pussy."
Learn to accept an apology you will never receive. That is what some people tell you in order to help you feel better about your demons. What they don't always understand is that sometimes those demons are so strong and you fight with them everyday. You take that pain out on the people who love you the most and that are the closest to you. So here is what I did. I wrote a letter to myself. In this letter is all the apologies I deserve. All the apologies I need to hear but I never will, and that is okay. I will never forget and in time I think I can forgive. Here it goes.
July 2014 The day that stays engraved in my brain. The day my fear was intensified, my trust in local law enforcement was broken, and the day I learned exactly the type of crazy I was dealing with.
I left off going on about the first of many times my trust was destroyed completely. Thinking back on it now, maybe this was just another one of his games. My intuition was never wrong. Something in my gut would just tell me something was off and I was always right. Yet, I still stuck around, believing all his lies. Two months after married-with-three-kids-and-a-fourth-on-the-way was inappropriately talking to _____, on his birthday, I found more text messages between him and another married woman, him asking her to sneak out, and her saying she said a special "gift" just for him. Once again my heart dropped, my blood boiled, and I again confronted him. This began a vicious cycle that soon turned violent.
Hi and welcome back. We left off with me moving away to start a new life with this guy and from now on, we will just call him _____ because he doesn't even deserve a pseudonym.
I used to be in an abusive relationship. All the text book red flags and warning signs were present, however, I was being played by a narcissistic sociopath, and man, those people are good at what they do! ( I am in no way trying to down play the severity of this situation, I am just finally at a point in my life where I can use humor and sarcasm when I tell this horrendous story).
I am an avid Podcast listener. My obsession began this past summer, when I was looking for a healthy distraction from a lot of chaos in my life. I am fortunate to work at a job where I am not micromanaged, I work at my own pace, and I have the freedom to put in my Air Pods and listen to Podcasts all day long. I love it and I recommend Podcasts to anyone who needs a good distraction. Honestly, they have helped me overcome my depression and anxiety and feel less lonely during a period of time in my life that proved to be extremely difficult. I discovered the Guys we F*cked Podcast about two months ago, and I have been binge listening ever since. If you haven't heard of this amazing Podcast or if you have and are unsure of what the hell you just stumbled upon, allow me to introduce you.