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I'm Single, I'm a Parent

And I'm Trying Not to Suck at Dating

By Xavia JohnsonPublished 4 years ago 12 min read
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It’s Okay That It Didn’t Work Out. Forgive Yourself

Dating is extremely challenging. We all know that already. I can only speak for myself when I say that I spent my teenage years dreaming about love. I spent my 20s seeking love without doing the necessary heart work that would make me be a good life partner. Now I’m about two months away from being 31, feeling like I’m the best version of myself, and I am single with two children. I don’t say that in a negative way, but what I know for certain is that there is a different set of challenges that come with trying to date when you’re a parent.

I was in a relationship for seven and a half years with my children’s father. To put that into perspective, we began dating when I was a month away from my 21st birthday. When we broke up, I was 28 years old. It felt like plenty of other women had the opportunity to date and try on shoes while I was being committed, acting as a housewife, with no real commitment. To make it even more embarrassing, there were so many red flags that he wanted to be single, but I tried as hard as I could to hold on to somebody who did not want to be with me. Before I could wrap my head around it all, my 20s were gone, just like that. I was back in the game with no clue how to operate. Every man I ever dated before was either in a relationship, engaged, or married, so I couldn’t go back in time. I was just out here, alone, for the first time in what seemed like ages.

Fast forward to all of the memes and posts on social media that make it seem like you’re damaged goods to be a single woman with children. Everyone has her own story behind how she ended up single with children. Some are divorced. Some had flings. There’s really no right or wrong way if you ask me because we all do things to achieve our happy. We don’t necessarily know how we will end up. And if you’re anything like me, you have spent too much time in messed up situations because you’re naturally a healer who hopes for the best.

Society likes to joke and say that we’re dumb for sticking around or even having children with no commitment or not being able to make our relationships work. My advice to you is to understand that most people in society are followers and they ridicule what they don’t understand. Do not. I repeat. Do not allow yourself to feel defeated because you committed to a situation that did not work out in your favor. It doesn’t speak low of you. Whatever was done was fated to happen and there is something out there that’s more fitting for you. You aren't damaging your children because it didn't work.

You May Have To Explain, But Do So At Your Level Of Comfort

I had to remind myself that the jokes are just a part of social media, and the opinions of others don’t matter. But just think about how awkward it is to have the same conversation over and over. You meet a guy and he asks you if you have any children. You say yes. He asks how many. The number sometimes determines how interested he may be. Then he may ask about the dynamic between you and your children’s father. I, for one, always give the political answer. Everything is great. We have a good co parenting relationship, and we have no intentions of getting back together. While that is mostly true, the reality is I’m still completely heartbroken and literally everyday is a fight to remind myself that I’m beautiful and dope and deserving of love. I fear that if I show a man any sign of weakness or vulnerability about the situation, he will think I lack confidence and will find me unattractive. But everything isn’t great. We have a decent, but not necessarily good co parenting relationship. We really don’t have any intentions of getting back together, though.

But everyone’s story is unique. You may still feel indignant when you think about what happened. You may even be the reason why things didn’t work out. Somebody might label you a bitter baby mama or something. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t deserving of love. While you’re working on yourself, own where you are. The person that’s for you will accept you for who you are and where you are in that present moment. It seems cliche, but it’s true. So sure, explain. But remember to forgive yourself and own it. Honestly, when I think about it, there needs to be an ample amount of forgiving yourself. That’s one of the absolute hardest battles to fight. Say no to self-sabotage.

Consider Dating To Be Trial And Error Experiences. Don’t Take It Too Personal

I decided to take some time to myself. You know, not date for a while. Really work on myself. Once I felt like I was in a decent space, I decided to give dating a shot, and you know what? It sucked. It sucked really bad. I met a few guys here and there and I knew when to cut it short if it wasn’t working. That was the easy part for me because early on, I met them on dating sites, and I already think dating sites are weird. I had a “don’t take this serious” mindset already. But then, I stumbled into one that caught me by surprise. It wasn’t on a dating site. I had actually gotten stood up by another guy, and my friend saw that I was in my feelings about it and let me tag along with her to a birthday party. We weren’t looking for each other, but we connected so well. We ended up talking everyday for six months. Literally every single day. I enjoyed spending time with him so much. I think I told this man every single thing about me. I’ve always had a wall up so high, but the beauty of his personality was that he was able to knock that wall down. He was also a parent, and he had situations of his own. Given all that he had been through, he was very apprehensive. Needless to say, after all of the time spent, all of the conversations, all of the dates and cute moments together, he began to pull away. I could sense something was wrong, so I asked him, and he finally was able to admit to me that he didn’t feel the same way that I did about him, he had another option he wanted to go with, and he just didn’t know how to handle conflict when it came to me.

I wasn’t that surprised because I knew something was wrong. I didn’t get the part about him not knowing how to handle conflict with me though. I really thought we were cool and we could say how we felt. I must have had my head so far in the clouds that I missed the parts where he just wasn’t feeling it. What I thought about was the fact that I really cared about him. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t plan to. But I was so devastated with all of these failed attempts at dating, and for once, somebody made me feel like I was safe to be myself. I got deja vu. In my last relationship, me trying my best and being as vulnerable as I could still led to a man saying that he didn’t choose me. He popped up with a whole other girl a month after we broke up, while we were still living together, so you already know what that was about. Here I was again, feeling the same exact way. Denied. Feeling like no matter how good I was, I still wasn’t wanted. He didn’t think I was worth it. The good just wasn’t good enough.

You may find yourself in a boat like that. You think it’s going really well, and it just ends. You felt like you were doing everything right, but it blows up in your face. Well the truth is, you’re not everyone’s cup of tea, no matter how great you are. The same goes for the guys that you date. It may be fun for a little while and then you have to come to grips with some harsh truths. It doesn’t always have to end bad, but you have to know when to say, “Hey, thanks for the memories, but take care.” It doesn’t mean they’re bad. It doesn’t make you bad. It just did not work and that’s okay. Grieve it and let it go. There’s someone better for you and for them. Not better THAN anybody. Better FOR. Major difference.

Also, consider the fact that the person has to be great for your children, too. You don't want just anybody around. You don't want to leave your children heartbroken from empty promises or feeling your wrath if things don't work out in your favor. You also don't want them to feel like they are on the backburner because you've found love. Find balance. Include them in the process, but be selective about who they meet. Understand that depending on the age, they may have feelings about you being with someone who isn't their other parent. Listen to their apprehension and listen to their praise and compliments. It can be a win for everyone.

Parenting While Sad

The hardest part about this little “breakup” was fighting tears all day so that my children wouldn’t see me cry and also not taking my frustration out on them. I was so irritated that day, and I had to keep trying not to yell.

We never really consider that, you know? If you’re dating and you end up disappointed, upset, or heartbroken, you have to really keep in mind how you treat your children. Sometimes they can’t go anywhere. Sometimes you have to process all of that with them in the same room as you.

Needless to say, I somewhat failed. I was tuned out a little bit. I shouted a few times, and I forced my eyes closed to keep from crying. It didn’t quite work because if I thought about it long enough, I’d start wiping my eyes. I spent four hours on the balcony listening to the same song over and over again and writing. The wind was blowing that day, and I remember the air cooling the warm tears streaming down my cheeks. I took a shower, and while in there, I did the Kim K cry. UGLY.

Shoot, I didn’t really even know why I was crying at first. I literally had only known the man for six months. One of my best friends told me to be kind to myself and to remember that it wasn’t just a regular six months. It was six months of talking or spending time every single day, no breaks. I even kind of wanted him to be in my kids’ lives. I felt so embarrassed. I also messed up because I curved several other men to focus on one. Don’t be like me. DATE MULTIPLE PEOPLE AT ONCE. I’m back to the drawing board because I didn’t keep my options open.

When I finally had time to myself, after apologizing to my oldest for my behavior that day, I did some self reflecting. What I realized was that, as a parent, I was sure of the life that I wanted for myself and for my children. I think this also has something to do with me approaching 31. I’ve gotten to a point where I just know. At the same time, what feels left in the dating pool is a plethora of men who just don’t know. They also seem to have many options, and if we’re thinking superficially here, which let’s face it, is a popular thing to do, on paper my statistics aren’t the most appealing. Do I think that I’m great? Of course! The problem is, I spend time trying to figure out why it doesn’t feel like men think I’m great, too. Whenever I get rejected, I feel like I was a charity case to them. It triggers a memory where, to my face, a guy seemed like he was into me, but behind my back, he was telling both his and my friends to take me off his hands.

That definitely plays on a bigger issue, but I know that there are other moms out there who may feel like this. Maybe even some dads. You give your all and you realize that because people have a warped sense of perfection and they constantly seek it, you get rejected. It’s downright scary. You worked so hard to protect yourself and your children, and in a moment, your wall could be torn down by somebody who was just having fun and doesn’t even see you in his or her future.

Don’t forget that in the midst of desiring love, your children have a love language too. Remember that the love they have for you is unconditional and it is love in its purest form. Pull them a little closer, and you’ll find reassurance that you’re doing something right.

The Power of Manifestation

A lot of times, we look for advice or comfort from somebody who has mastered a problem or succeeded at finding what we seek. I’m not that person. I’m still parenting while single, and I’m not having success right now. I’ve spoken my piece through my personal experiences. I’m just also someone who isn’t giving up or allowing myself to feel defeated. Love is essential, and you and I both deserve to have that.

I have some hope because my circle of friends have all been getting into relationships this year. I really believe that I’m next up. I have no shame about desiring a relationship that leads to marriage. I’m not embarrassed that I wrote it down as a goal of mine. We’re always cool about every other goal, but it seems like saying, “I want a husband” or “I want a wife” is taboo. Own it. Own your desire. I affirm myself and I speak my husband into existence. I make sure to add that he is someone who loves my children as his own and is adamant about protecting them. He isn’t a replacement for their father, but he is extra love, which is a bonus. I don’t need him for money because I have my own, but he is an asset to my livelihood and not a liability.

There is so power in the tongue. You put into the atmosphere what you hope to get. It will happen. Remember some key takeaways: Forgive yourself often, don’t believe you’re damaged goods, don’t take things like rejection personally, love your children extra hard throughout the process, and speak your desire into fruition. The right person will come along and accept you, no matter what battle you had to fight and regardless of you being a parent. Don’t doubt it!

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Xavia Johnson

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