I'm Having A Baby!

I’m having a baby! But before anyone reflexively offers congratulations, there is more to this announcement, which I’ll get to momentarily. First, I’ll share that I’m a 36 year old single woman, currently living with my parents.

I am not pregnant. I have no plans to adopt, nor have my eggs been harvested for surrogacy. I just hopped up out of bed one morning, profoundly certain this must be my next adventure. Obviously, that’s an oversimplification - I have been gestating this idea for years, but more recently I discovered it is ripe and ready to be born. Now given what I’ve already mentioned about where I am in life, many people might be confused about how I plan to go about this. I assure you the way I plan to do this is very realistic. I’m not doing this in a reckless way, a lazy way, a naive way, or an immoral way. You are welcome to be skeptical for now, but I’d like to introduce you to that truth over time, although that’s not my primary goal… arguably not a goal of mine at all. My only goal right now is to announce that I’m having a baby!! In 2 to 3 years! But I’m announcing it now, because I will appreciate the support and accountability while I set everything up. And I need to set things up starting now, because I’m having a baby by myself. On purpose.

(pause for the pearl-clutch, fade to intrigue)

Some might think this announcement is risky, or empty, or maybe a bit of a fantasy? Why would someone choose that? How could someone continue to choose that long enough to manifest it into a reality? Look, I know having a baby alone is some people’s worst nightmare. I know having a baby at all is some people’s worst nightmare. But for me, motherhood has been the clearest dream in my heart since I was a teenager - the holy grail of life fulfillment. And unlike many aspiring mothers who are now comfortable admitting they’d rather opt out of this part, I deeply desire the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. Seems like a wild ride to me.

I want to be clear though, that the decision to do this alone is not Plan A (and of course I don’t mean alone like in a vacuum, obviously - more on that later). Plan A was and still is for a lifelong partnership: a husband for me and a father for our future kids. I’ve had plans with a couple different serious boyfriends throughout the years to settle down and start a family, yet each time, things just didn’t work out for one reason or another. After each breakup I found myself a year or two older and single again.

Like I said, I’m 36, and with the way we understand time, that number is unlikely to get smaller. I hate to admit it, but there exists a biological deadline for me to have a baby - astute observers will note that no such deadline exists for finding a husband.

It occurred to me during the last painful breakup I experienced, that much of the pain I felt had to do with quite a bit more than the end of a beautiful relationship that I hoped would last. Deep down, beneath the heartbreak of losing someone I loved very deeply, there was the collateral heartbreak of losing sight of the dream of motherhood. I realized that until very recently, I had unconsciously accepted that there were only two ways to have a family: I either needed to have a partner and then have a baby, or I needed to be rich (which currently, I am not) so that I could hire a full staff as substitute partners. Obviously, this isn’t actually true. People unintentionally have babies on their own all the time. And people choose it all the time. I just never felt like it was an option for me until now. Because deep down I have never actually truly believed I could, or deserved to be fully self supporting. I’ve spent the last few months dissecting my dream of having a husband and kids and pushing back really hard on my limiting belief that things have to happen in a specific order. I’ve (also) spent the last few months dissecting my own psyche and pushing back (with everything I’ve got) on the old limiting belief that I cannot provide for myself, the things I want most in life. Dismantling that machine was (and still is), a wild ride.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened, but this recent realization came at the perfect time in my life. With the exception of a few trashy habits (artificial sweetener, the occasional cigarette, and a genuinely unreasonable amount of decaf coffee), I’m in peak physical condition. I probably have a solid 5 more years of reproductive youth. I have an incredibly generous family, and absurdly supportive friends. I have a network of love and support that surpasses anything I ever thought possible. I’m very lucky, I know. But please don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked hard to build my army and I don’t take it for granted. I had originally hoped the army would include my husband…. but because he’s still presumably otherwise occupied setting up whatever it is that he needs to set up, I’m going to get started on our family. It’s time for me to re-prioritize, and focus on having a baby.

But why not focus on locating the hubs so I don’t have to do it alone? Yeah, I hear that. I recognize that for a woman that desperately wants a traditional nuclear family, finding a partner probably sounds like one of the best ways I could spend my time and energy. I have girlfriends at the same intersection of single, yearning for Baby, and recognizing their reproductive age. And while they swipe left and right, excited (or at least willing) to participate in the hunt for their ideal mate and partner, I find myself pleasantly disinterested, which I strongly suspect it’s the Universe corroborating that my energy is better spent elsewhere.

My husband will find me when he’s meant to. In the meantime, I need to get myself right. Right now, for my baby. I know the mom I want to be. She’s balanced, playful, wise, and safe. She’s courageous, generous, humble, and inspiring. Much of her is already in me, yet some parts haven’t surfaced yet. The mom I want to be is unguarded. She is messy, and weird, and imperfect. She is at peace with her humanness in order to best teach a tiny new human how and why life’s beauty vastly outweighs its pain. This next phase of my internal excavation is for Baby.

Some could argue I’m late to start. Maybe that’s true, but if I grant myself the kindness of zooming out on my life, I see myself at the starting gate. I have an elaborate dream in my heart and about $60 in my bank account. I have a badass support network, and no partner. I have wisdom, and a raging case of ADHD. I have a taste for this specific adventure, and I’m scared shitless. More than anything else, I have so much love in my heart and soul for my soon-to-be baby.

As I prepare everything from my finances to my philosophy, I feel inclined to suggest you stay tuned. But only if you’re interested. And if you’re not, do me a solid, and recommend this to someone who might be. Honestly, do whatever you want - this is what I’m doing.