I Had A Different Life Before...

I had a different life before. One in which I swam purposefully through the ether with the mate to my soul. We recognized our connection as source-- the light and love that others only dream of holding in the physical realm. We fancifully frolicked and literally wept for the rest of the world which couldn’t, or wouldn’t-- out of fear of work or by random exemptive turn of the wheel-- feel such deep knowing of the guiding secrets of the cosmos. We wanted to share all of us, our totality, with everyone. Friends commented on the manifestation of our relationship as tangible, that watching us say goodbye felt like the force of magnets being separated; strangers walked between us and stammered, “Whoa… what was that?” Our eyes would meet and my heart would explode with the validation of being seen, with the possibility that others could feel our love, and with the hope that this kind of love was infinite and could heal so many.

This promised a future in which we would dance together gracefully on the ground we had tended and mended for the formative years of our Evermore. It would be strong now and would surely support anything. A future into which I would emerge, having worked hard to make the lives of all of our children magical and meaningful. In which I had successfully imbued them with the knowledge that I would always be there for them, and for their future children. In which I was proud of how hard I had tried every day to be my very best self for my loved ones, and my partner had done the same. That no matter how challenging the days ahead or behind, we had met each other with support and empathy. A future that I knew I had earned, that we deserved, which could be the only logical outcome from my choices.

~

Within the first few weeks of recovery, perishing in a freshly devastated life, after what was decided to be referred to by some family members as ‘The Fabrication’, a dear friend commented, “Well at least you know who he really is now...”

I replied, indignant, “Why? Why is this who he really is? Why not the man who cried tears of gratitude every morning when we woke up and re-realized we were together and we got to live in this love yet another day that was so real we could feel it in our guts?”

Now I know the answer.