I Don't Need Your Civil War

Have you ever been in a relationship that ends with the person bringing out the worst in you? Where are the relationships that bring out the best in you? What if I told you that being attracted to emotionally unavailable men is actually a reflection of how emotionally unavailable you are? You may be addicted to work, school, or living vicariously through your children. As a result, your partner gets treated like a Gucci Purse and is only taken out for special occasions. Getting treated like a Gucci Purse will lead to resentment and anger and that is surely not a recipe for a healthy relationship. Stir in a lack of self-care and a mental illness and your relationship is a bomb waiting to explode. My own brain is going through a civil war; I don't need your civil war when I have my own battles at work and home.

My brain will always be at war; I'm a bipolar alcoholic. I'm as sick as if I had cancer. You may be as well. The bipolarity leads to a constant struggle to find balance. I'm either super rich or almost homeless. I'm either king of the hill, or the gum on the bottom of a shoe. I'm either a criminal or an upstanding member of the community. There are no happy mediums. Everything is one extreme or another.

The alcoholism is also a struggle. That leads to a war inside my head, and if I take a day off of that, I'll be dead. That obsession will lead me to homelessness or death if I drink. But the reason why I bring out the worst in people sometimes is because I stopped maturing in relationships at the age of 12 when I took my first drink. When you invite 12 year olds to an unsupervised party, the cops show up. Nobody wants cops at a party.

The bipolarity and alcoholism lead to some very irritating traits that not only confuse ourselves, but confuse our partner. If you have the emotional maturity of a twelve year old in a relationship, you will feel a constant fight or flight feeling. You'll either be rushing into marriage, or about to never speak again. I'm either the love of your life or the worst thing that ever happened to you. The problem is that twelve year old Susan keeps showing up to the party. What twelve year old Susan doesn't know about love, life and responsibilities could fill a library.

I'm very needy during a depression and very ambitious and independent to a toxic degree during mania. This civil war will destroy everything if you don't make it a priority. If you don't even know what you want, how can you make your lover feel secure? This civil war will confuse everyone around you. When you are on, you are at the top of your game, but when your off, you are really, really off. Let's add in some childhood trauma to the mix and your brain is about to explode. We haven't even talked about the stress of real life yet. There is work, children, aging parents and appointments that last until the fourth of never.

If you are in a relationship with a person that is an energy vampire one minute and your biggest cheerleader the next, they are probably bi-polar. Don't take their confusion personally. They have a civil war going on inside their head; not everything is about you.

But returning to my original point, why do some relationships end in mutually assured destruction? Most likely because you have the coping mechanisms of a twelve year old like I do. Most likely because you are being treated like a Gucci Purse. Most likely because you can be toxic too. When twelve year old Susan shows up, everything goes to hell in a hand basket. Everything ends with a life-altering explosion. So when a guy flirts with me, I'm not playing hard to get, I just really don't like you. I have my own civil war, I don't need your civil war - our wars together will lead to mutually assured destruction. It's just what happens. I don't like it any more than you do.