I DON'T LOVE YOU BUT I COULD.

by Antoinette Kite 15 days ago in love

Rare yet familiar.

I DON'T LOVE YOU BUT I COULD.

Trust me, I don’t love you. I could but I don’t. I feel things… sometimes… but most of the time, I feel nothing. I’ve been existing in a more causal state of mind and although some may call my actions immature or loose, I call it a defense mechanism and it’s been working for me up to this point.

I loved a boy like you before but he left this earth before that love could ever see the light of day. There have been other boys but there’s one in particular… you. You’re different and you know that.

I remember the moment I met you. I was stunned. Is that the right word? I was moved, I felt something. You have one of the strongest gravitational pulls I’ve ever felt. You were a beautiful sight to say the least. And I felt you; your energy. The most warm, bright and calming energy (except of course when you made me happily nervous). I can use the word happy with you. Or more so I COULD use the word happy with you. I don’t know what word I would use now. You’re rare for sure but at the same time, strangely familiar.

I hadn’t felt that way in years and I tried to navigate that the best I could. You flirted back, I hadn’t had a crush in such a long time. You were someone I looked forward to seeing. You were someone I was hoping to spend some personal time with. I still gave a fuck those days. I wanted you to like me in that way. We would talk about your ex, your dreams, what kind of music you liked, what food was the best. I don’t remember speaking much about myself but I was fine with that. I could listen to you talk for hours. Of course I wanted to date you. At the time we couldn’t. Working together was a very appropriate reason but eventually that changed. We went from cohabitants in this large, brick and mortar building to people who knew each other but never talked.

I walked our path slowly but then I ran, ran so fucking far past you that I had to stop and catch my breath. My feelings can be intense and I knew you weren’t ready for that. My heart didn’t care though. Check in three years later and that elaborate picture I had painted in my mind is now an abstract mess. I wanted you so I had to have you. So much time had passed, I would let you take me in whatever way you wanted.

I wrote you and you immediately invited me over. I shot up through excitement and crashed down to disappointment in one day. I made you up to be a certain way in my mind and I wasn’t wrong but I had yet to see every part of you. There was a primal side of you that I needed to meet but I would come to learn that that was all I was going to get. I had hoped you were better than most, above average and believe me, you are. You connect with me on a physical and personal level that I hadn’t thought anyone could reach but yet, there you were. We went from the living room to the bedroom and that was all it took. I unraveled - in a good way. You couldn’t see it but I felt it.

It was a short visit. I knew it would be before I got there and I forced myself to be okay with that. I missed you even before I left. I didn’t hear from you for awhile after that and that was nothing short of torture. This was when I still gave a fuck. Torture is a very extreme word but it was painful, I will admit. Eventually you reappeared, like they always do. Our situation had defined itself and it was far from where I thought this path was headed. You beautiful, caring, special human being had become another guy who hit me up when it was convenient. Not anywhere near what would be deemed appropriate for someone who came off as mature as you had. You were the same but had changed or maybe I was finally seeing a side of you that I should’ve stayed away from.

Either way, you were walking down a path of casualties and I followed you with no objection. Trust me, I didn’t wait for you to come back into my life. When you reappeared, I had been through so much more shit that I didn’t even know if I had a heart anymore. You wanted to hurt me? Use me? Sure. I was positive I wouldn’t feel it. There are remnants of anger and disappointment. This open letter wouldn’t exist if there weren't but I’m okay. I’ve accepted the situation for what it is. I see you when I see you. I’m a body to you and as much as I can meet you on your level, you’re a body to me too.

Your spirit is bright though. It draws me so close to you. You remind me of him sometimes… and before you think I’m chasing that memory, I’m not. No one in my life is a replacement for someone else. It’s not fair to hold people to the same expectations so I don’t but your spirit is bright and accepting and so was his. I would’ve hoped you walked into my life to shine some light on this darkness but here I am, sitting in the dark - alone.

love
Antoinette Kite
Antoinette Kite
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Antoinette Kite

Writer. Designer. Decorator. Artist.

See all posts by Antoinette Kite