I don't belong here

I don't belong in the hearing world, and I don't belong in the deaf world. I am alone on so many levels, and normally I am perfectly okay with that. I just carved my own way through life. I mean I am 40, I should be used to how my life is. But last night as I continued packing, stressing about where I am going to live come Monday night.... all I could think about is how lonely I really am.

Growing up I had to take speech therapy to learn how to talk 'properly'. Now for the most part, I talk as if I belong in the hearing world. But that brings about its own problems, because I speak so well people dont believe I am deaf. They constantly try to test me by covering their mouths and saying things to see if I hear what they are saying. I feel like I am the butt of an ongoing joke that never ends. When I was younger everyone in my family used to tell anyone who would listen that I had "selective hearing". This was how my constant confusion on what people were talking about was explained. It used to frustrate me so badly because if it was so selective why was I missing all the jokes and laughter? I forced myself to be as outgoing as possible so I felt like I was part of something. My "friends" would often joke about how I would dominate the conversations, I just never had it in me to explain if I 'dominated' the conversations then I knew what people were talking about, and even though I couldn't always follow along, I wouldn't be saying something that was so completely different than the conversation that people would think I was on drugs. Lets not even begin to talk about the amount of times I have asked someone to repeat something they have said, only to be told nevermind it wasn't important. I know my family loved me, that wasn't the problem, the problem was they didn't know how to interact with me. This went on for years, I don't blame them or hate them, it was not their fault that they didn't know what to do with me. So after a time, I became the wallflower, watching and struggling to understand what was going on around me.

I never learned sign language, my attempts to learn myself were utter failures. I tried to take classes, but I would have had to pay out of pocket for them, and it was more money than I had. There was no one to help me or point me to resources that could help me.. so I struggled to communicate with everyone, until it reached the point I just gave up and went silent.

The gap grew between me and my family even more when I told them I was a submissive/slave in the Lifestyle. It was just something else that I was so vastly different than them in. There were plenty of times they were curious and would ask me lots of questions, and I enjoyed it, I felt like they were taking an interest in my life. Even tho that voice that had kept me company while I was invisible would tell me they are only interested in my answers not me, and they were using me for information. (This was not true, which I knew then as well, but those years of silence had gotten to me) After a while the questions died down, and I continued on with my journey into the Lifestyle.

Time passed and I learned something new about myself, but this time I was not going to tell anyone. I was already the outsider, I didn't want to give them just one more reason to steer clear of me. So I kept my secret.

I had five boys, one passed away six weeks after he was born, my little angel. I was married and divorced. I married again, and divorced once more. I was abused-mentally physically and sexually multiple times.. And finally I snapped and told my secret.. I am a lesbian, and the thought of another man touching me that way makes me feel sick.. and instant relief followed by fear... but out of all the things that I have been through, my saying I am a lesbian was the easiest thing for my family to accept.

So here I am a 40 year old submissive deaf lesbian who doesn't belong anywhere, and normally that doesn't bother me... if only I weren't so lonely and craved that connection.