I Am Every Stereotype of a Loser

Think of every stereotype of a loser you've ever seen or heard. Let's see how many of those boxes I check. I am:

chronically unemployed, live with my mom at a late age, never had relationships, have almost no friends, and hardly ever leave the house. I even play video games. I am also on the autism spectrum.

Given the description above, imagine what you think this loser looks like. Are you picturing the guys from Stepbrothers? You probably envisioned a fat, slovenly, middle aged white guy with socks that go past his ankles. Here's the thing: I don't look anything like that. I am an average-looking Asian woman, early thirties, who dresses like a teenage roadie with band T shirt, metal jewelry and cargo pants. This is largely due to my rock n Roll obsession. Yes, I do also have the stereotypical autistic fixation on music. I check all the boxes, except that my mom doesn't have a basement for me.

I am also angry all the time, like every second of every day. Before I knew about the autism and co-morbid mental health conditions, I thought this was normal. I always wondered how other people hid their anger so well, and why mine was so obvious that people would stop me on the street to ask me what's wrong. I'm angry, and I hate myself. Maybe that's not all due to autism; but it is a big part of the feedback loop of anger. I have volcanic rage at the way society perceives me. I KNOW the whole world thinks I'm a loser. That's why I act even more like the loser they see me as. I've done my share of internet trolling. I live off my uncle's inheritance because I can't get a job. I can't get a job because I have no experience, and because I can't make eye contact. My teachers tried to force me to look them in the eye, and it made me cry. I couldn't tell them about how eye contact felt like a laser beam. I am stuck in a whirlwind of "can't because." I have a non-autistic younger brother who hit all the milestones on time, made lots of friends, and is generally seen as successful. People would ask me all the time why I wasn't doing what my brother was doing, and I didn't have an answer for them. I just got angry, went to my room, and wished I didn't have a brother.

After decades of thinking I was broken, having every adult in my life try to fix what's "wrong" with me, and being dragged to therapy to be told I just had depression and anxiety, I finally figured it out on my own. A Facebook friend posted about how "Ass Burgers" ruined his life. That was a funny word, so I looked it up; and lo and behold, every trait of Asperger's described my entire life. It explained not only the common things like anxiety and weirdness, but the fact that I've always felt as if I was playing a role--that of "normal person," so that nobody could see I was actually an alien. Before I even knew the word "masking," I knew I had to ration my energy for acting normal or I would crash and burn. If somebody invited me somewhere, I would accept and then later make excuses why I couldn't go. My family told me it was my fault I was alone. I pushed everyone away, and I would just have to live with it. Now I finally had a reason for my failure to do... just about anything. I was a late self-diagnosed adult on the autism spectrum, and I most likely had ADHD, OCD, Executive Dysfunction, and severe depression with it.

When I came out to my family, I was called a liar. My cousin pointed in my face and said "I don't believe you." My mom said, "But you're smart and you can talk, so you can't have autism." Basically, I didn't act like Rain Man, I must be not autistic and a faker. You know how that makes me feel? ANGRY. I am staring down the barrel of a wasted life. No career, no partner, no friends, and no prospects. I am so depressed I just stay in bed and scroll, scroll, scroll on my phone, reading posts from other suffering people in the autism groups I'm part of. This is currently my only form of support. From the safety of our homes, we can talk candidly about family issues, job and money problems, and general lack of life satisfaction--pretty much everything we are judged and hated for in the outside world. If I tried to talk about my struggles to a neurotypical (that's "normie"), I would pretty much be told to stop being a victim and be positive about my autism. People say all kinds of unhelpful things like "Look at all Einstein accomplished" and "You need to see autism as a gift!" What a joke.

And you know the cherry on top of all this? I'm made to feel like I don't exist. Because every media representation of autism is a white male teenager who is quirky, but brilliant and just a great guy deep down. I'm older, a woman of color, and not even all that nice of a person to boot. Yeah, I'm angry. My struggles feel insurmountable, and everyone makes me feel like an imposter to autism. This is such freaking bullshit. I know I exist, and I know that other autistic people who are not young, white males exist. Why aren't we all screaming "I EXIST, MOTHERF***ERS!!!"

That's all I really have to say right now. I just had to put pen to paper and tell the world how miserable it is to be an autistic adult who doesn't fit the stereotype of autism, yet also fits every stereotype of a loser. When I have more energy, I'll write another think piece that unpacks more of what I'm feeling, maybe with a little less tangible anger.