I am Done With Giving Apologies

Seriously, I am done trying to make amends. It is just not worth my time anymore. Believe me, after a lifetime of rejected apologies, why should I bother? Therefore, I have decided to no longer waste my time with such follies.

Since I was a child, I have always been the first to admit my wrongdoings. No matter how right I was in a matter, I was always the first to extend my hand in forgiveness. Yet, as it would always seem, my hand was usually slapped away. Even when I desired to do something good for my adversary, my actions were usually ignored.

This was the story of my life. Something causes a fallout, I try to make amends, they are ignored. Wash, rinse, repeat. Each time I had a fallout, I would try to tell myself the next time would be different. Instead, the only thing that was different were the people and the circumstances.

The heartbreaking thing was these very people never accepted my apologies. Nor did they desire to talk about the problems at hand. Even with the passage of time, these people continued to hold their grudges toward me. In fact, I once came across someone whom feuded with me over ten years ago. Now, one would think with the passage of time things would have been better, right? Sadly no. This person continued to hold their grudge against me as though it was still fresh in their minds.

As a result, it no longer phases me when a fallout occurs. I have developed a sixth sense which allows me to sense which people will stay or go. Come to think of it, I am now weary of making new friends because I have that lingering feeling of a fallout.

Forgiveness is harder than most people realize. However, for some reason, we still stress it. I am not sure why we waste our time on such a trivial thing as forgiveness. Nobody forgives nor does anyone want closure. I guess its easier to cradle injuries than to heal them.

Now, this is not just limited to me mind you, it is something anyone can agree with me. I have to ponder how many of my readers sought reconciliation only to be rejected? The stories and anecdotes are endless. Its sad to note how many people have gone through their entire lives never once being forgiven.

No matter how remorseful or sorrowful a person is with their actions or words, nobody is willing to forgive. It is a sad fact of our lives regarding some things are never let down. And people wonder as to why everyone is so cynical, indifferent, and heartless. We all have this inborn desire to hold on to things that hurt us. I guess its a survival mechanism from the old days where focusing on the negative kept us safe. After all, we live in a dangerous world. People take advantage of others or sell out others for their own gain.

Imagine the time wasted on the grudges held by everyone. I've held grudges yes, but after a year or two, I've learned to let them go. One time a guy did me wrong over the internet in making me the butt of his cruel joke. This was back in October 2007, and while I do not wish to go into detail, I will say it was not a fun time for me. However in February 2009, this same person sent me a message on YouTube apologizing for his actions. I could have held on a grudge, but I chose to forgive. Why? The exact moment I forgave this person it felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

In times where the roles were reversed, my apologies went on deaf ears. People just turned away from me. I take it these people wanted to cradle the old wounds. I am a doctor offering a cure and they are the patient refusing treatment. So, I have decided to let these people wallow in their injuries.

I refuse to waste my energy seeking reconciliation with those whom do not want it. It's not worth my time anymore.

In fact, someone one said to me,

"People come and go in life, but you're the one who has to wake up with yourself every morning."

In closing, those whom do not want to be part of my life will be left to go about their business. Nor will I force anyone to be part of mine. Perhaps its better this way for both of us.