I ain’t your mum, sis.

Interviewer:

State your name for the record, and please feel free to tell us a bit about yourself.

Malaika:

Hi everyone, my name is Malaika. I’m 22 years old, and I’m a political science and criminal law major. I also work as a part time receptionist for a law firm.

Interviewer:

That’s quite a work load. Can you tell us a bit about your personal interests?

Malaika:

Uh…yeah.

Interviewer:

You seem surprised by that question. Does it make you feel uncomfortable?

Malaika:

No, not at all. It’s just not a question I am asked often, I suppose. But, to answer…it; I um…I actually love shopping. I’m a bit of an old soul, so I like to try the clothes on before I buy them. I make a day of it, and travel to niche stores, and I like to invest in quality pieces, you know? And I also adore Japanese cuisine. My friends are more into American cuisine, milkshakes, burgers, deep fried everything. But I love the artistry of Japanese cuisine. I actually have a secret friend from Japan who I see every month, and she invites me to family dinners and I get to taste the most delicious meals on earth. And music, I love pop music. It’s light hearted and infectious and fun, and then sad and cute and corny, but I don’t listen to it with my friends because they like RnB and I grew up on Madonna and MJ.

Interviewer:

How insightful. Let me go deeper, then, since you seem up to the challenge. What kind of partner do you want?

Malaika:

Oh my gosh. My friends seem to have concluded that I want a dull, stable, principled accountant, or a lawyer, and last week they even recommended an engineer! I honestly don’t care what profession my partner has. I do want someone with an education, so we can have interesting discussions, but what I’m really looking for is someone who disrupts my schedule.

Interviewer:

Why do you say that?

Malaika:

I’m always on top of everything. Work, study, family commitments, bills, appointments, chores, other people’s problems, I mean it never ends. I just want someone who can give me a different life. An existence where I’m the centre of the narrative and I get to be late, or unkempt and improper. A life where I get to be cheeky and spontaneous, and completely unpredictable. My friends think…

Interviewer:

Sorry to interject. But I’ve noticed that you keep bringing up what you want in contrast to what your friends think. Are your friends completely unaware of your true desires? And how did that come about?

Malaika:

I’m the quiet achiever. I don’t scream and shout about everything like they do. I tend to process, and analyse, and execute my decisions quietly. And they seem to think that means I have it all together. So, I’m always the mediator. I’m always the designated driver. I’m always the activity planner.

Interviewer:

Why do you continue to assume that role?

Malaika:

Well, I feel like it would disrupt the rhythm of the sisterhood. Everyone has a role. We have a drama queen, a serial dater, an activist, and now we even have a ghost. I’m the…I’m the mum friend.

Interviewer:

But, you’re 22 years old. Shouldn’t you get to evolve? Show yourself? Be yourself?

Malaika:

Yes, I should. Sometimes I just want to show up to things with nothing on my shoulders, no responsibilities, no tasks, no obligations. I swear on my silk press I am not boring. I just feel like my loves will implode if I decide not to give a damn like they always don’t.

Interviewer:

What if I told you that they’ve been listening to this interview the whole time?

Malaika:

(After hysterical laugher). I’d say you were lying. If those little divas have successfully sat in a room and listened to me without vocalising a rebuttal; or finding some way to argue with each other over their opinions about me, I’d probably faint.

Interviewer:

(The interviewer reveals his phone, which has been on a call for some time)

What do you have to say to all that, ladies?

The girls:

(In unison) We’re really really sorry!

Malaika:

(Speechless at first, her eyes widen like she’s just seen Madonna).

It’s fine guys, I…actually, yeah! About damn time you’re sorry!

(She laughs, all the way from her chest to her toes).

Interviewer:

And that concludes this morning’s episode.