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How To Survi--Manage living With Your Ex

by Jay,when I write 2 months ago in advice / how to / breakups
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hey, things happen. So, here's how we deal with those "things"

How To Survi--Manage living With Your Ex
Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

So, some of us have thought a person was "the one" or have made major commitments with someone before realizing you should not or could not be together. Hindsight is 20/20. But, moving out is not always that simple even if you're emotionally ready to go, your bank account may be saying otherwise. Whatever the reason is for you to be staying, I have a few ways that can help you out.

Not everything works for everyone

Note: Make sure you've apologized if you've done something wrong. Sincere Apologies go a long way. If they've done something wrong, you can talk to them about it, but never expect it or feel like it is needed to heal because some people just will not own up to their actions.

1. Talk Things Out & Respect Each Other's Boundaries

Getting both of you on the same page matters. Both of you need to know what is and isn't allowed. Do you want to still be able to share stories about work with your ex, but they would prefer to be on that "hi" and "bye" level like new college roomate's who have nothing in common are on? Well, then you can't just overstep that boundary, and vice versa.

If you don't want to cuddle anymore because it blurs too many lines, make that known and STICK WITH IT. Do your absolute best to stick with your own boundaries to not confuse anyone. It may be harder to get rid of those romantic or sexual feelings when you're in close proximity, but that is why staying on the same page and listening to one another is even more important now. In order to move on even the slightest, you need to express what you're moving on from. Don't just do the things you're used to doing.

More things To Discuss

-who moves out & when + what can they take

-feelings and whatnot

-if anyone is allowed to brig over "special guests" or maybe guests at all. Maybe you two want to shut the party palace down till you split completely

- you also have to talk about bills

Minimize The Surprises

2. If there's another room, take it

If you take it, make sure you add your own touch to it. Make it your place. Feel good to be walking into your own space.

3. Find A Positive Hobby to Invest your Time Into

I have always been a solo person, but I realized that when we were dating it was more like "their show" and I was there to just along for the ride. I noticed how little I did my own thing even when they were off at work and I was home it was like I forgot how to exist by myself. Then, I got back into reading and making art and that really helped me out when we ultimately ended things. I felt somewhat in charge of their feelings and needed to make sure they were always okay, while I neglected my own. Maybe you have too.

Being able to spend time with yourself is important. And that time should be spent doing something you enjoy for yourself.

And at this moment, you may need things that will make you feel good or at least lets your mind focus on something other than the break up that isn't bad for you.

4. Uh...Feel sad

Yes. I know I just said to focus on something that's like happy happy joy joy, but don't completely ignore your sadness. It's okay to cry at times or to not spend your day with a fake smile planted on your face. Some days will be like that. Some days you may doubt if you made the right choice, or feel bad because they broke up with you, or maybe you'll just feel bad in general because things are different. That's valid. let yourself feel those feelings and do your best to not think about if they're feeling what you are because this is your show now. You have to do what's best f0r you. Respect their space and your own space by giving yourself the room to feel however you feel.

Just make sure you don't forget you will feel better eventually, and you have to take steps to heal.

5. Save Up Your Money/get a job & Make a Plan

Yeah, it's rough out here. I'm fully aware that just saying "save up" isn't how it goes. Try to get extra hours or find a side job.

Maybe finding a job that's in a different location would help you be able to move. That way you'll know you have a job waiting for you.

However your finances look, you have to make a plan and a goal. Decide when you can and want to move out by. Have that to look forward to and work towards it.

Just havivng that goal of moving away has really helped me on tough days because I know it'll come soon.

6. Spend Less Time Together/Don't do relationship activities together

Okay, I kinda talked about this in the "respect boundaries" part, but I mainly wanted to just say it makes a lot of sense to just not do things that you both loved to do together as a couple. You also have your own cool space now, so go there.

That may mean:

-less chatter because now you should depend on each other less at least right now. Maybe later the friendship can be revived...I don't know your story

-cooking (if you two valued that time together)

-showering

-sexual activites and or kisssing, cuddling, holding hands

-heck, try going to the grocery store or watching that show you two only watched together alone (if you can emotionally handle that...you may want to find something new to watch for a while)(I only got into certain shows from my ex and luckily they weren't ruined because of them, but I couldn't listen to this one song...)

etc. This is your time to just roll solo

7. spend time with friends and family or talk to them more

Even if you've been keeping up with them during the relationship, depending on them right now could be really helpful. It'll help you know that you are not alone, you're still loved by others and you'll always have someone by your side.

Major bonus: one of them has a room for you to stay in and you're both cool with that

8. Stay calm and reasonable. If they want to argue, don't engage.

Note: I said ARGUE

If they want a civil, normal conversation that needs to be had about something like finances, have it.

But, don't get into an argument. Arguments are the danger zone. Words can be said that can't be taken back, too many feelings get brought back up, someone may decide to break agreements, and you will feel crappier in the end. Respect yourself. You don't need to hear their bad words, and you don't need to get yourself worked up. Some people do have more anger after a break up or they let their sadness be confused by anger. That's not your fault if you just respect them, and stick to yourself. If they like to push buttons, don't give them that satisfaction.

If you ever feel like you're in danger, or they are not respecting you/your boundaries tell someone and leave.

9. Therapy

Therapy can be very helpful. You can have someone to express things to, and work things out with. Maybe this relationship/break up made you feel less than you are, maybe it brought up other experiences etc. Whatever your reason may be, therapy is there to help you work through things.

I've totally felt all alone due to my biggest break up. I realized I was someone who gave their all and someone took advantage of me. I need therapy to help me figure out why I do certain things, why I allow certain things, and to just talk to someone about the pent up emotions.

There's nothing wrong with needing help or someone to talk to.

10. When do you get back to the dating world?

In my opinion: you should when you feel ready and things aren't complicated. You should also be almost out of your old place or they should be almost out. So, no awkwardness comes up. Know if you can bring someone over, or if that'd be too weird. Don't do it to make your ex jealous or uncomfortable. Do it because you're emotionally ready y'know? Scrolling through dating apps while your ex is in the other room or beside you, can feel weird. But, if you're both over each other and you don't feel like they'd care to hear you call someone "baby" over the phone through those thin walls, so be it.

But you shouldn't feel like you need someone new. Trust me, that does not go well.

Well, that's all for now. Thanks and good luck! Peace!

advicehow tobreakups

About the author

Jay,when I write

Hello.

What?

23, Black, queer, yup

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