How To Save A Marriage When Trust Is Gone (How To Fix Broken Trust In Marriage)

Two couples, Adam and Sarah, Rick and Fiona had known each other for years and were the best of friends. As Sarah worked in the same office as Rick they often met up for lunch.

These were not secret assignations, these were just two friends meeting for lunch. Adam and Fiona both knew about these lunches and they had no problem with them. Because they were all such good friends it was a perfectly safe situation. Up until the day that Sarah met Rick for lunch and she was in tears. It turns out that she and Rick were going through a bad patch in their marriage. The normal thing that most people would do is to give the upset person a hug, which was what Rick did. The only problem was that the hug carried on just a bit to long and both of them felt a connection.

Both of them realised that they were bordering on something, but neither of them said anything about it. They did not want to compromise their friendship but they were enjoying the moment, and despite being worried about what could happen, they thought that they could control the situation.

When Rick and Sarah got home that day, neither of them mentioned anything about what had happened at lunch. After all, if they did not talk about it then it did not happen, right? What had happened was nothing so why upset their spouses over it. They thought that it was just one of those things and that nothing would come of it.

A week drifted by and they did not see each other. Then one day they happened to meet, Sarah started to cry. It transpired that she and Adam where on the verge of splitting up and she desperately needed a friend to talk to. They decided to meet up after work for a quick drink so that they could talk about Sarah's problems. Rick called Fiona to let he know that he was going to be late. He told her that he was going to have a drink with Sarah to talk through the problems that she was having with Adam. Fiona did not have any problem with that, if Rick was able to help then she was happy for him to try.

So, after work Rick and Sarah went to a bar opposite their office. Rick noticed that Sarah seemed to be a bit more made up than usual, but he didn't give that any thought. After all, he had made an attempt to look a bit more respectable, it was a natural thing to do. Rick got the drinks in and they started to talk. The conversation soon became very intense. They ordered more drinks and Sarah took hold of Rick's hand. She started by thanking him for his friendship and that he took the time to listen to her. He understood her so much better than Adam did, she wished that Adam could be more like Rick.

Adam was away on business so Sarah got Rick to go back to her house, so that they could carry on the conversation. Although he knew that it could get complicated Rick agreed, he was a nice guy, and he wanted to help his friend in her hour of need. What kind of person would he be if he left his distraught friend alone, by herself. At least that is what he kept telling himself, again and again. Yet more drinks were poured and whilst they started out sitting apart, it did not take long for them to get close.

When Rick went home that night he only told Fiona about going back to Sarah's house for a drink. He was a nice guy, he did not want to hurt his wife. This thing with Sarah was never going to go anywhere so where was the point in upsetting her? It did not take long for things to start developing into something more serious.

From what started out as a silly mistake Rick and Sarah became sucked into a maelstrom of lies and deceit, that spun faster and faster out of control. The longer the affair carried on the more difficult it became to stop it. They had become dependent on each other, to just stop would cause too much pain. The longer that they saw each other the more convinced they became that they were falling in love.

And then they have sex.

Rick truly believed that he loved Fiona, but his guilt at seeing Sarah was contriving to make him think the he loved her as well, and that this was something truly special. This was not any common affair, this was true love.

After a while Rick finally began to realise that his relationship with Sarah was nothing more than a fantasy. This was not real life, it was all make-believe, shadows, trickery, lies and deception. The only woman that he truly loved was his wife, Fiona.

He finally reached the point where he realised that if he wanted to save his marriage he had to come clean about the affair with Fiona. He told her his version of the truth, maybe he was trying to save her from unnecessary pain, it brought their marriage to the brink of the abyss.

Once Fiona realised the Rick had been lying to her on a regular basis she could not trust a word that he said. Rick had completely obliterated her trust, her self-esteem, her confidence. And somehow they had to find a way to pick up the pieces and move forward.

Whilst some are probably pre-meditated, most affairs do not happen because a spouse wants to destroy their marriage and devastate their partner. Most people are not like that.

Most affairs start out small and build up progressively. It starts out with a lie or a silly mistake, and having got away with it once it happens again and again as the wayward spouse stumbles into a world of treachery and betrayal. Again and again the cheater puts themselves into situations where there will power will be tested to the limit.

Why embark on such a destructive cycle? Who could wake up one morning and think, I love my family, and because I love them so much I am going to destroy their world and possibly their lives. Or, I know, my Wife loves and cares for me so very much, how about if I betray her and drag the both of us down the long and miserable road to the divorce courts. Or, what shall I do today, I know, I'll have an affair. With a few exceptions, people just do not behave like that.

Cheaters can make the conscious decision to cheat because they have a character flaw which allows them to encounter the choices that Rick and Sarah made.

How can you avoid a situation like this? You need to put a fence around your marriage. You need to establish some firm boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behaviour. Talk about this with your spouse. Come up with a joint agreement with each other, and with yourself, that you will monitor and take responsibility for your actions, and do your best never to cross those boundaries.

What I am talking about is risk management. If Rick and Sarah were truly committed to their marriages, then there were many points when they could have set up boundaries, which would have changes how the story ended.

If they did not want to risk an affair, then why did Rick and Sarah go out for lunch so often, together.

How many of you think that what I am saying is a load of rubbish, that you can control your situation?

The story above is not unusual, it is not even anything special, because in some form or another it gets repeated on a daily basis.

Whilst your situation might be perfectly safe, it might not be. If you are married, or are in a committed relationship, and you socialize with the opposite sex then the potential for something to happen dramatically increases. Just how much do you value your marriage? If you have repeated lunch dates, or whatever with a friend of the opposite sex then there is a good chance that sexual chemistry could develop. Being friends you already have certain things in common, it really does not take much for that to become something more. Are you really will to take that risk?

If you have already had an affair then the risk is far greater that it will happen again, especially if you are still interacting with members of the opposite sex, just like you did before your affair. If you fail your spouse again there is no guarantee that you will get another chance.

To protect your marriage and your future happiness, you need to build a fence around your marriage. And this is how you do it.

Building the fence is a two-step process. Your first step is to become more aware of those people, actions and activities that are potentially dangerous to your relationship. Set up some internal boundaries for yourself so that you know when you are heading into dangerous waters. Now this is only going to work if you are prepared to listen to your internal sensors when they are screaming at you to walk away.

If you can master this, then you have mastered one of the skills necessary to building a loving, fulfilling relationship that stands the test of time. If my opinion is worth anything to you, then I would say that it is more than worth it.

Some of the potential dangerous situations that you might want to avoid like the plague are: Any kind of physical contact, unless it is something that your partner is comfortable with. Communication has made affairs much more easy to conduct so beware of long, intimate phone calls, and expressive emails and texts. Drinks after work could lead to a situation that it is unwise to encounter. Those are the basics. Your life brings you into contact with different people in different activities so compile your own list.

If any of your taboo situations occur then the best thing that you can do is to go straight home and tell your spouse all about it, and do not omit details, your body language is quite likely to give you away if you are hiding something. If you are going to do this properly then you should share your own feelings about the experience. This might be uncomfortable for you, but as a married couple you should be used to sharing your lives together.

It could well be embarrassing! But if a bit of embarrassment is part of the price that you pay for a loving, fulfilling marriage, then where is the big deal. Even if your spouse is made uncomfortable by your honesty, they will appreciate you all the more for it, and this will lead to a deepening of the bond of trust between you.

The second step is to talk about the boundaries in greater detail with your spouse. In this step you are looking to fine tune the details of your boundaries. For example, find out which experiences that you have had with members of the opposite sex that make your spouse uncomfortable.

You could also ask how you should behave on specific occasions, whether a kiss on the cheek or a hug is acceptable. Going through this exercise could potentially be a bit uncomfortable but it will develop a far greater understanding between you as to where your boundaries lie. If you want to succeed then you need to commit to those boundaries.

Building a fence around your relationship helps you to complete your work in rebuilding the honesty and trust in your marriage. If you stick to what you have agreed then your spouse will feel a lot more comfortable with you, because they can physically see the action that you have taken. If your spouse is more comfortable with you then there will be less and less friction. Eventually you will rebuild the honesty and trust in your marriage, which in turn will lead to you making your marriage so much stronger than it was before.

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