How To Measure Compatibility in Romantic Relationships

Compatibility is a strange thing. Sometimes, we just can't figure out why we experience an emotional attraction or connection to someone. It may tug on our intuition, feel like love at first sight, or evolve from a long-term friendship.

And in my history of romantic endeavors, I have sometimes been attracted to those who are quite my polar opposite. During college, I met men in diverse places. New student orientation, the gym, the bar of course, and even at yoga club. Many of them existed as short-term flings that satisfied different aspects of my personality. They were temporary, as is everything, and they helped me figure out a little bit more about what makes me compatible with my partner.

Recently, I found myself doing some research on the science behind compatibility. I came across a relationship therapist on Youtube who goes by the name of Spirit.

She is a vivacious, educated woman, with thorough experience on how to make relationships great. For the purpose of an easy read, I will focus on exclusive, monogamous relationships, although I recognize and support various types of relationships. This is what I learned from her.

Compatibility doesn't focus on one specific thing. We may be compatible in some areas of our life but not others. It is the way we fit into each other like pieces of a puzzle. Often, couples may experience one-way compatibility that can be depicted by a circle inside a square.

One partner is the circle, and this means that all of their needs are being met by their partner. And the other partner is a square and has some edges that cannot be filled in by the circle. The square may be experiencing a lack of fulfillment in various areas like emotional, intellectual, sexual, or other intimacy, thus leading to unmet needs. Whereas, the circle sees nothing wrong with the relationship and is completely happy.

How Can we Measure True Compatibility with a Romantic Partner?

Some people mistake compatibility for sameness, but this is not necessarily true. Having a partner who is exactly like you may prohibit individual growth and exploration of new ideas and hobbies. Furthermore, having differences is not a bad thing. But when you are compatible, you meet each other's needs, which can be divided into separate categories of intimacy.

Spirit describes the word intimacy as having a much deeper meaning than what meets the eye. She considers it as "In-To-Me-See." In other words, if you are intimate with someone, they see into your true self and raw identity and they love and care about you for who you are, in different aspects of life. When two partners share their genuine identities with one another and they truly line up, then they are compatible.

Compatibility Signs and Different Ways to Measure Intimacy (R-I-S-E-S)

R-Recreational Intimacy: You enjoy doing some of the same physical activities that your partner does: Eg: yoga, kayaking, rock climbing, dancing, tennis, etc.

I- Intellectual Intimacy: Both partners enjoy the same level of deep, sensitive-topic conversation on literally any and every topic, inclusive of politics, world events, current events, etc. If one partner needs this type of stimulation and the other doesn't enjoy it and actually becomes frustrated by conversations of this nature, the relationship may be lacking intellectual intimacy. This is because they are both on different pages about what is important to them.

S- Spiritual Intimacy: This type of intimacy does not mean you need to believe/practice the same religion as your partner if any. But, partners with spiritual intimacy may see the world through a similar lens. They may share similar beliefs about the existence and purpose of life, believe in a similar higher power, or lack of existence of one, or just get each other in this way and are able to meet somewhere in the middle.

If a partnership has a tendency to question one another's beliefs and have one another feeling unsafe to discuss their spiritual passions, this is a definite sign of a lack of spiritual intimacy.

E- Emotional Intimacy: Do partners share the same expression of their emotions? Cuddlers, or cacti who enjoy the occasional hug? There is no right or wrong way to behave, but the members of a partnership should be on the same page about how physically affectionate they prefer one another to be.

S- Sexual Intimacy: Are both partners interested in the same types of sexual exploration and expressions of love? If one partner is more conservative and unwilling to try non-traditional sexual expressions while the other partner is a kink-master who has a wide portfolio of sexual preferences, then the two may be lacking in sexual intimacy and sexual compatibility.

In an interview, Spirit responds to a question about why so many people continuously find themselves attracting or falling for the "wrong" partner. She explains that throughout our various adult romantic relationships when we attract someone we are incompatible with, they exist as a "wound mate."

What is a 'Wound Mate?'

When we co-exist with our traumas from the past and learned behaviors that no longer serve us, we continue to attract other people who fit this narrative, whether we believe it or not. Surrounding ourselves with people who represent a similarity to us gives us the ability to remain comfortable. It gives us permission to recreate and perpetuate the same trauma we have been experiencing over and over and haven't yet healed from.

Spirit acknowledges that most of us feel fearful when presented with a chance to break a negative cycle of behaviors and thoughts. Even if we know the benefits of evolving and changing into a healthier version of ourselves, putting the work in isn't easy. And nobody said it was! So we find people that are similar to the things that may be reflective of trauma in ourselves. We do this to enjoy the comfortability of old habits. And it's usually sooner rather than later that we discover our new partner is simply not what we fit well with.

Why Do We Feel That Opposites Attract?

Spirit believes that each individual wears a (figurative) mask each day. We all wear a mask that may not accurately represent who we are as people as well as we would like it to. Here's an example. Perhaps you are an introvert who is very in touch with your emotions, a spiritual being who engages in various lifestyle practices that may not be so mainstream. You long for a partner who is physically affectionate among other things, just like you.

But in your profession, you don't show your true self to the world, for any number of reasons. Instead of the highly emotive person you are, you present yourself as a fiercely independent individual who doesn't like hugs and rarely soothes their inner child. You may do this without realizing it. Perhaps it is because you feel that your colleagues won't accept or understand your true self, you don't want to appear vulnerable to others in the workplace, or for other reasons. It's expected that you will attract others to you that are interested in the person you are showing the world. And this is how we repeatedly attract the "wrong" romantic partners.

So we must have the courage to show our authentic selves to the world. This will grant us the ability to attract those who are similar to our true selves and get to choose them based on this. But if what you are seeing out there is completely different from your true self, you may find yourself choosing from the candidates in front of you.

Exploring levels of compatibility with partners is not an easy task, especially when we first enter a new relationship. But it is essential to consider when thinking about whether a relationship can be sustainable long-term or even evolve into a life partner.

In the same interview, Spirit provides a compatibility quiz for individuals to take on their own. She made this to help people who are emotionally invested in someone who may not be right for them.

• Do you miss your partner when you're apart for a long time? (emotional intimacy=physical connection)
• Do you trust your partner? This translates to the obvious interpretation of trusting your partner outside of your presence to remain loyal to you. But this question can also ponder whether you trust your partner so much that you can show them your truest self without fear of judgment. Also, can you trust your partner to show you their true self without hesitation?
• Do you have compatible lifestyles? Dietary, physical(working out), religion/spirituality, what time you go to bed, and wake up all play a part in lifestyle compatibility.
• Can you talk to your partner about anything?
• Do you laugh together?

By taking action to measure compatibility in a possible future partner, you may save yourself some heartbreak and set yourself up for a successful long-term partnership.

Find more thoughts and ideas by Spirit on her Instagram. I am so incredibly happy to have found her on the internet and wish everyone healing through her words and wisdom.

Xo, Susie

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