On: Managing Loneliness

I feel lonely sometimes. Perhaps it is because, with each day that passes, detachment becomes more a part of the new normal. Shedding the past forces my eyes to well, as I face reality head-on like a bull in a china shop. I often live in a chaotic mind, moments from erupting. I feel lonely not because I am physically alone. During the times that loneliness encapsulates my being,

I feel like an alien in a far-off galaxy-out of place, out of mind.

Though, I'm thankful. I know how privileged I am and how worthy of love I am. I cannot begin to express the magnitude of gratitude I have bursting from my heart for the collection of eclectic souls that surround me and make this beautiful life worth living.

I overflow with joy, lucky to live a life painted with boisterous laughter. I know that I am blessed to behold uniquely vibrant souls who raise me up, ignite my spirit, and nourish me.

I know what my problem is . . . I feel too much. I trust too much. I am unafraid to unlock my heart to anyone who enters my life. This may not be considered a flaw to everyone. And truthfully, it took me ages to arrive at this mental destination. After many years of building up my walls, I started to lose touch with my inner child.

I acted in a way that wasn't aligned with the person I consider myself to be. I decided to take a hammer to the bricks that protected my sensitive heart, and this was no easy task. Though in the contemporary version of my current self, there are times I fall into a daydream, wishing to go back to my old ways and close off my heart.

As a young child, I was overly sensitive. Waterfalls would burst from my eyes at the drop of a hat. I remember that I would cry at birthday parties if I was the last child to get pizza. I always thought they would forget about me or run out. Perhaps I was spoiled with attention as an only child. Or maybe it's how I coped with childhood trauma, so repressed I am unable to recall it as an adult.

I often live in a chaotic mind, moments from erupting.

Why Do People Put Up Walls?

It took me many years to close off my heart. The only reason I did that was to make sense of the world around me. I was teased in grade school for having crooked teeth and an overly nasally voice. But for some reason, my heart was always open and I was brought up to take everything personally. (As an adult, I now realize this pattern of behavior was taught to me by my mom who takes everything personally and cries often.)

As an extrovert, I never had trouble making friends and adored being on stage and entertaining. I always felt so alive when I was surrounded by people who made me comfortable to be me and loved me for who I am. I felt the happiest when I was with others. As an adult, I realize this to be more true than I could have wanted.

I thought that if I acted like a powerhouse, I would become one.

I have a tendency to place my happiness on others, situations, and even material things. And when those things exit my life, since nothing lasts forever, I find myself feeling a little bit lost, insecure, needy, and alone. I'm not sure where this stemmed from. 

…Perhaps it has accumulated through years as a product of bullying, body shaming from loved ones and strangers, societal pressures of what it means to be beautiful, negative self-talk, constant pressure from others my age who have reached a more advanced stage of life (even if they don't intend it), and more.

Examining Habits

Then I take a step back and reprimand myself for being so damn sensitive. I tell myself to grow up, move on, deal with it, and get to work.

"But Susie, this is what so many people strive for in life. You have been in therapy for months to stop fighting life with so much anger and actually feel your emotions."

I was sensitive during childhood and over time, and I put up my walls. I resorted to anger because it lent me the feeling of being in control. I evolved into a person that was angry most of the time, though outsiders would never know it. And now I am back to being overly sensitive. It has been a troubling task to find a healthy medium.

If someone hurt me in a small way, I would respond with anger. I grew thick skin and thought that if I acted like a powerhouse, I would become one. That nothing would phase me, irritate me, hurt me, or break me. I dealt with rejection in a way I thought was healthy.

I learned to hate people and feel anger and even rage toward them if and when they crossed me. I wrote them off as dead to me and told myself I was too good for them anyway. I tried to defend my heart in the best way I knew how.

This lasted throughout college. Relationship after relationship, I thought of men as a commodity. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I craved having the upper hand in the relationship, fling, fwb, whatever the fuck types of situations in which I found myself.

I showed them a little bit, but not too much. I left them on read and sometimes even ghost. I thought it would help me develop an inflated sense of self-worth. And it did, for a little while.

If they made me upset, I would cry in private and tell myself to get up and get angry - that they didn't deserve me. I wanted nothing more than to protect my heart from so many years of damage.

I gained satisfaction from accumulating meaningless bar hookups and flirting with men with who I wanted nothing to do with. I guess I was kind of a bitch, or for lack of a better word - player? I was also extremely immature and selfish. I was lost.

Post-graduation, I started therapy again. I have never loved a therapist more than I do my current one. And can you guess what we have been targeting for the past six months? That's right, my anger. She helped me really understand the emotions that anger has been covering up for all these years.

She helped me develop healthier coping mechanisms, and has shown me the power of vulnerability and what it means to cry when I am sad and let go of the past. She helped me embrace my pain so I can transmute it and grow from it. With so many years of festering my pain, I developed IBS and migraines.

The dis-ease evolved to physical symptoms that I couldn't seem to shake. Not until I actually started to feel my feelings on a regular basis.

Love

Amidst this transformation away from anger, a romantic relationship developed with a kind man, one I figured I would open my heart to.

"My first post-grad relationship. A real, adult relationship. Wow, this is exciting," I thought to myself in the beginning stages.

Instead of living life through the lens of anger, I began to live life through the eyes of love.

Despite me holding on for dear life to make any aspect of it work, the relationship failed after a short time, though it hurt me. It hurt me because I had been practicing my openness. Instead of living life through the lens of anger, I began to live life through the eyes of love.

Typically after a breakup, I feel enraged by the disrespect and arrogance of my ex-partner. But that wasn't the case this time. There is simply nothing wrong with him. We are just too different and really had nothing in common. From lifestyle to life views, politics, to hobbies, basically everything is different. And that's okay.

It's probably the most amicable breakup I have or will ever experience, and that's where the sadness came from. I have nothing to be angry about and have not felt anger but once throughout the entire ideal. And when I did, it was but a mild fluctuation of frustration and failure to understand. It wasn't anything comparable to the severity of anger I had been accustomed to feeling.

Sometimes, I wish to resort to anger so I can stuff my feelings down, feel powerful, and genuinely stop caring about the pain I gather from my life's experiences. But that would mean I would go backward in the direction I have worked tirelessly to escape and never return to.

Managing Loneliness

When I experience feelings of loneliness from time to time, I tap in, tune in, and turn on. (In the words of Abraham Hicks.) I become clear on my desires and all that I truly want out of this life. I engage in activities that make me feel alive - personal development, writing, moving my body, and spending time with people I love, in places I love, and doing things I love.

And in time, I have found myself a little less lonely, learning how to love myself and be with myself, enjoying each moment for what it is, and accepting what is by fully trusting the Universe. I choose happiness and rise each morning with faint feelings of control. I am a work in progress but continue to push myself in the direction I know will help me grow.

So when you find yourself feeling a little bit lonely, take time to do the things that make you feel alive. It can be anything - just do it. Who cares what other people think of you? It will probably leave you feeling far less lonely than you were before.

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