How To Find Your Perfect British Partner in 4 Steps

When you’ve lived in London a long time and you’ve finally embraced the local habits — the lifestyle, the culture — you’re likely hoping to settle down, to find a job, a proper job, and potentially, a pure, genuine, incomprehensible, Brit-born and -bred partner.

Benefits for us expats are to look cool in front of our fellow country-mates and a solid opportunity to blend in the local culture. Just in case you’re wondering.

So, after gathering some tips and tricks from different people (mostly Brits), here are the 4 steps on how to find your perfect British partner.

1. Join happenings

Pick a nice spot.

A club, a venue that throws themed parties, a small and intimate gig, or any trendy and popular event in London. Possibly choose new-wave, revival, hipster clubs/bars and festivals over heavy techno discotheques and exclusive clubs because these are so posh and swank that nobody will give a damn about you unless you have a serious amount of paper. Or drugs.

Pro tip: Avoid the Zoo Bar or the O’Neill! Not because they’re dangerous places (they’re actually really fun at times), but since you’re looking for a “perfect” British partner, not for la crème de la crème of the daily immigration flow, focus entirely on Brits’ go-to places.

Choose a decent outfit. Possibly, a mix between alternative, hipster and casual will make you more appealing to pure Brits. H&M, Pull&Bear and Bershka provide you with a variety of pretty “cheap” options for stylish clothing and if you can afford to spend 60 FUCKING QUID FOR A PAIR OF JEANS, great?! Unless you just don’t give a shit about your appearance. In that case, right, who cares?!

Now, if you’re good-looking, you’re an eccentric and intriguing person, and you got a cheeky and engaging attitude, you’re already halfway to victory. If you feel like you might struggle with your appearance, well, try to make your other features stand out.

This is unless you’re a total loser!

Pro tip: Either way, it doesn’t really matter. Beauty is subjective and goes beyond a pretty face or a fit body. Stay as you are; if people like you, they’ll like you anyway. And if you suck, you’ll keep sucking anyway!

2. Look around and interact

Don’t be shy!

Don’t hide in a corner keeping your head down all night long. Have a look at the crowd instead and spot types you like at first sight. Find occasions to interact with people — whether they’re boys or girls — and be friendly with everybody. By doing so, you’ll be able to join bigger groups and have more opportunities for interaction. Bear in mind though that you’ll have to buy rounds for perfect strangers because that’s just part of the game.

So while waiting to be served at the bar, start with the usual “Hey how’s it going?”, “What drink is that?”, “Sorry guys, can I bother you for a filter (or a cigarette)?”, “What does that tattoo say?”, “Hey, what’s that accent from?”, etc. This has proved not to be a lame approach all the time, and if it doesn’t work, don’t give up and keep trying. Not all people are eager to start a conversation, but some are, so go for it!

Pro tip: Don’t be a fucking pain in the ass!!!

3. Make the move

Hold your horses!

Once you’ve identified the type you like, deepen the conversation and try to get to know as much as you can of that person. Ask many questions (maybe skip the boring stuff), show interest — you know, that kind of game. Once you realise there’s a mutual interest, make the move: ask for their number.

You will contact him/her the day after, better let the clock hands go full circle before you write anything. But generally, just don’t do anything hasty! Then, if you want to follow the social rules, you’ll let the boy make that first move. If you believe in gender equality, either of you can do it.

Then be patient and wait for a reply.

Think back to everything you said to each other. Remember the smiles, the laughter, the whole flirting, your fingers playing with theirs. Think of their look, their eyebrows bending in bashfulness. Think of the fun thing they said that you misunderstood because your English sucks and that you had to blame on the place being too noisy. Besides, they’ll never know you were not really paying attention because your dumb mind was already lost into them.

Think of that unusual spark you sensed because that person seems to be simply perfect — perfect for you.

Imagine the first date, the first excitement, the “sorry, can you say that again?”, and the embarrassing moments of silence when you let out gentle touches of laughter at each other. Picture the first kiss, the emotional vibe, those weird shivers down your spine — even if it’s just a simple kiss.

Imagine exploring London together, seeing the city lights from the Millennium Bridge, the busker tuning up that one song down Southbank, the intimate spots near Borough Market, and those Sunday drinks on Primrose Hill.

Picture taking them to your hometown, showing them the beauty of your city, the places where you grew up, the squares of the endless nights of your university period. Also, the food and the local specialties, the sea-view restaurant on the hill, the breathtaking panorama that you had even forgotten about and that enchants you every time you see it. And while you’re up there, you space out for a moment, they caress you and ask “hey what’s up?”, you smile and say “Nothing”.

Imagine getting home quietly not to wake up your parents, whispering jokes that you’re not sure you understand and then sleeping together in your bed knowing you had a perfect day and you couldn’t ask for anything more than seeing them sleep.

Dream of all the other fantastic things you’ll do together and how you won’t still be able to believe that you’ve finally found your perfect British partner.

Imagine just how beautiful would this all be.

Meanwhile, you’re still waiting for their reply and plenty of booze has knocked you out badly.

4. Follow-up

You wake up the day after with a bit of a headache, you are probably hanging for the wild night and you go check your phone. Nothing, you keep waiting.

That text back never comes and, sadly, you’ll never hear back from them.

You realise they’ve just vanished like they never existed, like that unique moment never happened.

You think you should add them on Facebook, write another direct message, say something more, something different. You start wondering what’s wrong with you, if your text wasn’t too silly and you should have typed something better — something clever.

Eventually, your dream suddenly starts crumbling and you feel like shit because you’ve failed once again.

And you know what? It won’t really matter!

Because that one was clearly not your perfect British partner. Because there are no best steps to get to know one or maybe your perfect partner is not even British.

At the end of the day, you’ll know you have learned a very important lesson.

You’ve learned about some of the best events around London and that they’re worth being attended. You’ve learned that you enjoy being around, that all in all you are an interesting person and people like you. You’ll have overcome your shyness, made a new and unexpected experience you’ll be willing to tell, and that you can’t wait to do again.

You’ve learned that you have to live it daily, to get to know people every time you can — to be social, open-minded — and that sooner or later that perfect partner will show up, whether they’re British or not.

Unless you’re a complete, hopeless loser!