How to ADULT

Buy slippers.

Just do it. Not just one pair. Buy multiples. You need to be comfortable inside where you will be a lot of the time when you are not physically ‘adulting’. Use phrases like ‘but they are so comfy’ and even consider buying a spare set just in case you can’t reach the original. Dressing gowns are optional also. Do not, and I repeat, do not buy or consider purchasing crocs. You haven’t given up that much yet.

Keep your rapping skillz ‘secret’.

I don’t think my rapping career is going to start any time soon and nobody needs to see or hear it.

Aim for your bed.

Try your best to fall asleep in your bed. You are no longer a child sleeping over in your mate’s hiding from your parents in a puddle of puke. You’ll just hurt your back or have a bad night’s sleep. Also, do not fall asleep on the sofa. You aren’t ancient.

Stop drinking Buckfast.

Or at least cut down. You’re old now so you probably need the caffeine. Actually screw that. Drink more Buckfast.

Laugh at marriage.

Lots of people around you are probably getting married. Don’t let this have any impact on you, even if people look at you like you’re totally sad for not being married with silly pity eyes. I mean you don’t care that they’ve found someone willing to spend the rest of their life with them, right? And you’re not bitter, right? You’re happy for them. Of course you are. Remind yourself that whilst you’re not anti-marriage that the idea of being with the same person for the rest of your life is a bit claustrophobic. You’re a robot who couldn’t possibly love anyone enough to marry them. End of.

Don’t fall in love.

Love people, sure. Fall in love? Ah jaysus. Whole different ball game. If you haven’t by this stage you’re incapable and it’s too distracting from your own stubborn ways. Compromise? For someone else? Fuck off. Feelings? Don’t make me laugh. Engage physically and kick them out.

Use the word ‘sensible’ regularly.

‘Sorry I’d love to take some pills but I have to be sensible’….

‘I can’t have a seventh pint… I’ve an interview in the morning…. I am sensible’

‘These sensible shoes are so comfortable.’

‘It was very sensible of you to vomit in the shower instead of on the floor.’

‘Let’s use a condom – I’m feeling sensible.’

Pay your rent and bills.

This seems obvious but you’d be surprised with the amount of people who are unable to pay their rent. Not because they are actually poor or anything. But more because they just can’t prioritise or rather, prioritise fun. This is something you work out when you move out first but I’ve come across it lots. Being an adult isn’t fun really. We’d all like to lie hungover in a bed of joint crumbs covered in our own gick but not if it means you’ll be homeless.

Work on your judgey face.

Being an adult requires a new level of judgementalism. Make sure your face says the words so you don’t have to because let’s face it – you shouldn’t have to tell people how to ‘adult’. It’s funny because you’re actually probably being very reasonable and people will tell you that you’re being irrational. You’re not. You’re awesome and realistic and an adult. Get a superfluous rolling-pin and hair rollers to complete the look.

Use the word ‘exclusive’ reluctantly.

When seeing people it’s important to be at your most stubborn. Firstly, you don’t want to actually really get very attached to someone and secondly, you only really need temporary relief from ‘adulting’. Keep your eye on the prize. So don’t just see one person. When questioned on whether a situation is exclusive laugh in a maniacal fashion. Then tell them they are stupid which sounds like an answer but isn’t. Then continue. Even if exclusivity is ‘forced’ upon you, laugh when all evidence points to the contrary and remind said person that they are lucky to have even entertained you this long. The key here is to say one thing whilst clearly doing another so as to confuse people. Then you can have all the genitalia that you want at your disposal whilst deciding who you may or may not keep.

Get a cat.

At least one. The more the merrier. The cat piss smell will cover the stench of your dead hopes and dreams. You can dress them in outfits that you would dress your real neglected children in. YOU TOO CAN ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS.

Get even more sickened by those around you that are happy and having fun.

Make sure to ruin all family outings, or friends meeting up. Cry. Start fights. Moan. Never compromise. This will cut down your friends and you can have more quality alone time masturbating at home. Which secretly is what we all want really. Again slippers and dressing gowns optional.

Meet friends for lunch.

Meet up with friends for an early lunch and listen to them talk about ‘adulting’. Realise that whilst you are doing an okay job by only drinking three nights a week and reducing your weekly drug intake that they are doing it better. Maybe they’ve even mentioned ‘mortgages’ or ‘planning a baby’. So whilst you’re simultaneously happy for them being so ‘together’, jealous (because they own a gaff) and disgusted (talk of babies) drink lots of wine and later cry about how your highest aspiration is to have/not have another abortion. That’ll learn them for being productive.

Sleep less.

What the fuck are you doing sleeping past 9? You need to be out adulting. Being an adult. Or inside being an adult. That oven won’t scrub itself.

Don’t get bored.

If you get bored you may revert to things like socialising, drinking for fun (not to drown your sorrows) and meeting new people (and as we all know new people are the enemy). Keep your brain moving by reading The Daily Mail to keep you angry (and slowly over time make you angry with everyone) and watching Jeremy Kyle (which will make you happy you started working after years of being unemployed because now you can point the finger).

Sit on your sofa in your pants covered in crackers watching Game of Thrones.

Grow a lawn so you can shout at kids to get off it.

Hurley stick in hand wearing a dressing gown is optional but really adds to the effect.

Embrace your cynical side.

Remember everyone is a self-serving asshole. Don’t rely on anyone but yourself. Spend a lot of time in isolation (it’s OK to crack open cans and drink like you are 20 on your own in this instance. Drinking alone to excess is modern adulting). Scoff at happy and revel in your own vitriol.

Stop using text speak.

I’m sorry but you can’t be an adult and spell like you spilled alphabet spaghetti on the ground. Nobody will take you seriously and it makes you look seriously stupid.

Recognise your faults.

And that’s it. Use phrases like ‘well this is what I’m like so deal with it’ rather than change. Fuck change. Resist it at all costs. You’re getting old. Why should you change now?

Have an existential crisis.

So have this crisis, realise that you’re getting old, and then go sleep with someone younger than you. I’d like to say that half your age plus seven is a golden rule to follow but rules were made to be broken. Do it. Remind yourself you’re cool, move on and continue ‘adulting’.

Stop saying that you’re ‘creative’.

You’re not creative. You’re a twat without a job. Seriously what was the last creative thing you ever did? Something from three years ago doesn’t count. Your writing skills might be ok but seriously cop the fuck on.

PEACE OUT! (*drops microphone on floor and walks off*)