How plant medicine revealed my true fear and love

"Though we tremble before uncertain futures, may we meet illness, death and adversity with strength, may we dance in the face of our fears." - Gloria E. Anzaldúa

The Shaman sat at the head of the table. Around his shoulders, he wore a brightly-colored poncho with red and green squares. His straight hair fell on both sides of deep black eyes that quietly and decisively took in the world around him. The deep furrows that ran from his mouth were the signs of an intensive life.

We had gathered in the village of San Joan, Ibiza. Nine men and nine women and Miguel, the Mexican shaman. One of the men was me.

Earlier that week I had set foot on Ibiza for the first time in my life. I felt so uplifted from this new adventure that I decided to follow the flow. I mean, quite literally. My rule that week was saying yes to everything that felt good at the moment.

I can highly recommend trying this once in your life, it might change your life's direction dramatically for the better. Well, at least it did for me that magical week.

I was about to engage in my first Ayahuasca ceremony without knowing it was actually a plant medicine ceremony.

This is what plant medicine showed me about my true fear and love.

The meetup

That first week in Ibiza I was following my flow and it felt good. My intuition was the compass in which I trusted completely. An Argentinian friend that stayed in the same house as my friend, invited me one day to join a ceremony. Yes, a ceremony, I loved it. Some dancing, music, sitting in a circle, meeting some kick-ass hippie boho girls. Who would not sign up?

So there we were, 2 hours later. Some people around the table were talking frantically, while others were preparing in silence. My eye fell on a group of women in their thirties; good-looking, independent women with strong charisma. They appeared to know Miguel well, as the jokes in Spanish were flying back and forth across the table. I tried to make eye contact with one of them. She was dressed in a light brown leather jacket and had colorful feathers in her dark hair, which seemed to enhance the Indian features in her pale brown face. She had an arch look over powerfully shaped lips and skin that seemed to radiate as if she had just returned from skiing a black piste in the healthy mountain air.

Suddenly two fiery dark eyes looked back my way; she must have felt that I was staring at her. I could not resist the power in her gaze and looked outside for a moment, helplessly. I still had much to learn about the women here on Ibiza.

The moment of no return

Miguel welcomed everybody and invited the group to follow him by car, into the hills. A winding sand track led the procession upfurther and further along stone walls made of large boulders, remnants of the enclosure of the old terraces that had once provided for the farmers. Ancient olive trees flanked the walls here and there, like old gatekeepers, and on the land, the dry entwined branches of fig trees lifted themselves up to the sky as in prayer.

The sandy path, the Camino, finally reached a passage between the walls. The cars turned into a terrace that served as a car park with an old, renovated Finca behind it. A big carob tree in front of the house spread its branches with green leaves like the feathers of a peacock. Between the leaves were lots of large seeds that looked like brown, crooked beans, its fruit.

Behind the house, I noticed the white point of a tepee. Wow, the 'ceremony' would be in an original tepee. I still had no clue that the next hours would completely change my life, but I let go. I trusted everything and everybody around me.

The introduction

We all gathered in front of the big carob tree. Miguel sat cross-legged on a dais with the elegant tree behind him. It conjured long shadows in the moonlight on the white, flaking plaster of the house. It was September and during the long summer days on Ibiza, the sun had ceaselessly spread its power and light over the rituals of dance and sexuality that seemed to come straight from the fertile ground of the island.

"We are entering the time of autumn now," Miguel started. "A time to say thanks for all the blessings that summer brought. To celebrate the harvest of summer, to honour the land that will die in autumn. The old European witches called this Mabon. They danced in their magic circles and ate six seeds from the pomegranate, a reference to the myth of Persephone, who is obliged to live in the underworld six months per year and thus leaves us in winter. You can also say thanks for yourself now, for what summer brought you."

I was only one week in Ibiza at that moment and couldn't be more thankful for the island that had guided me into this sacred space, this space ship tepee. I realized it was my intention that had brought me there. Several other people in the group also sat down cross-legged now and put their hands with their palms open and upwards on their knees. Miguel continued.

"Ayahuasca can put you in touch with places in your subconscious that are still dark, still unaware. The plant will help you make those places light - that is if you're ready for it."

OK, that was it. I was involved in a real Ayahuasca ceremony. So much was clear now through Miguel's introduction. I felt deep inside myself, finding my trust compass, and it signaled back at me and told me to go ahead with it. I trusted Miguel.

Trust the process

Through my study of Anthropology, I knew a lot about Shamanism, and the use of sacred medicine plants like Peyote or San Pedro to enter altered states of being. In my student years, I had literally swallowed the books of Carlos Castaneda, the Anthropology student that got initiated through Don Juan, a Mexican Shaman, and man of profound knowledge of life and death. In his journeys, plant medicine plays a crucial role.

This moment, in front of the majestic Carob tree, Miguel became for this evening my Don Juan. I was ready to let go of patterns, old beliefs and felt the sensation and slight fear of going through a portal this magical full moon night. It was, in fact, the 21st of September, the equinox. I had no idea what was awaiting me on the other side.

The other thing that gave me a green light was that Miguel emphasized the sacredness of the plant and the social aspect of the ceremony in his introduction. He told us this:

"In the ceremony, I also underline the social aspect. We are all going to make a journey in a spaceship together. It is not an individual trip, even though you will be by yourself. It is about you as well, but in my tradition, the ceremony is used to tighten the bonds of friendship, even between different Indian tribes. I will sing and play the traditional Brazilian songs and invite you to sing along as much as you can."

The setup

Miguel and his helper entered the tepee first; it was just large enough to hold everyone. I observed the group again: exactly nine men and nine women. 

We were asked to tune into our intention for this special night. I wrote down this question on a piece of paper in his mind and put the paper in a drawer in my brain marked: "don't forget."

In front of Miguel was an altar with candles in all four directions of the wind, large crystals, and holy paraphernalia, and a photo of a woman who looked

like the Virgin Mary. Miguel explained who she was: the Virgin of Guadeloupe. This priestess symbolized the female virgin and mother goddess to the Mexican Aztecs and is still the most important religious symbol in Mexico, in most places even more important than Jesus.

After this explanation and some more silence and preparation, it was time for the spaceship to lift off.

The first cup

The first drink came. Small glasses filled with a brown substance were handed round. The drink gave off a bitter potency and slowly settled in my stomach. I not only realized this plant came straight from Mother Earth, I literally tasted her earthly roots and power.

Miguel began to sing traditional songs. They had a comforting and invigorating effect. A few of the participants had to throw up with powerful thrusts into the bins that were placed all around us. Then they could take the drink again if they wanted to. After half an hour I began to feel the effect.

I was swept along on the waves of my soul. Sometimes I disappeared into the depths of my subconsciousness. I started to learn how to use my intention. It was powerful. If 'something' told me to look into the fire, then I was already looking into the fire, and the dreamlike world in which I found myself only moments before had instantly dissolved. The same with the waves of fear that rose up inside of me at times. They grew bigger and bigger and I needed to figure out a way how to deal with them. Something very deep inside of me told me I could control them since they were only part of me. Not some frightening tsunami outside of me.

I learned that night that intention is powerful. When you master your attention and intention, you will master your fear.

The teaching

He learned quickly how to use that 'something' inside of me to control my perception in a more fundamental way. Later on, I came to an understanding that this voice inside of me was maybe the ever-learning dimension of my soul; the spirit that was always with me, giving me instructions. I came to understand that I frequently silence this inner voice with my rational self, which always seems to know better.

At a later stage of the ceremony, I 'became' my perception, something I know shamans call 'seeing'. It felt as if I was looking into the origin of everything, into the fibers of reality. But the waves also pulled me into the darkness. It felt as if parts of myself were dying off - traumas with the corresponding pain.

These were difficult moments, which were alternated with the flow of life force, the opening of the soul on the waves of an even stronger light. Eventually, those waves of love grew bigger and bigger and washed over me. A thorough cleaning had taken place on a physical, energetic, emotional, and spiritual level.

At the end of the ritual, a talking stick is passed around. The powerful woman whom I had noticed before received the stick but she could not utter a word. Talking forced people to return to the world of thought, of duality. Every time you describe an experience it brings you out of that same experience.

The woman knew that by describing her experience, the magic of the ceremony would be broken. At some point though, it felt necessary to come back to earth. It was as if the tepee was flooded by the bursting of a dyke of love and I felt the essence of the woman enter through such beautiful and pure vibrations that made me speechless too. My heart was wide open and deep inside I felt that everything, really everything on earth was sacred.

After the round had been completed, I sat down in front of the woman and looked deeply into her eyes for an eternity. In waves, she became the primal mother, the Virgin Mary, the sacred feminine, the eternal embodiment of love, my own mother. This experience made me realize I am in some unimaginable way all of this, too. The love I felt for all these women was my love, the beauty I saw was my beauty. My heart was dancing with joy.

That morning I slept by the fire in the centre of the tepee, which Miguel had made in the meantime. I sank into the security of the earth. The beams of a new morning colored the tepee in a purely virgin white light.

My heart was wide open and deep inside I felt that everything, really everything on earth is sacred.

Lessons from the medicine for humanity

I have continued to use plant medicine in the course of my life, especially on Ibiza. Around 8 times in total the mother plant, Ayahuasca. Every one of these experiences was profound. They gave me clarity, they cleaned me and showed me the debt of life and the profound wisdom of nature.

Plant medicine showed me that there is a higher intelligence out there. Something that makes everything connected in a way that is way beyond what our limited minds can grasp. It is a great relieving experience to be able to surrender to this grandmother's wisdom.

These experiences gave me a deep respect for nature and the laws of life and nature. They showed me that every little plant, ant, cloud, or bee is indeed sacred. When we treat nature that way, it will make us sacred again. Sadly this is not happening in the grand scheme of things when we look around at what is happening today in the world. On the contrary.

Ayahuasca recently got banned in Holland, the land of tolerance, the hippy capital of the world in the sixties. Maybe it is dark forces at play, and they are steered by fear. This fear stands in the way for humanity to thrive, for humans to embrace its full potential. I see it happening all over again now also with the current Corona crisis.

When you fight against death, you fight against life and this fight you will never win

The medicine showed me there is this big battle going on on planet earth between dark forces and light forces.

They are all good, they are all sacred and part of the one and same story of the creation of our times. We are here to purge that shadow, that evil, that darkness in our souls and what is around us. Meaning, we are here to transform those forces into wisdom, love, and respect for everything and everyone that is around us.

How to do that?

Well, we all have the ability to become a clear channel. To embrace that fear and let it go through you. To not reject it and let your mind judge it. Think of the main scene of the movie the Matrix. Neo literally swallows the bad guys. He has grown bigger than them, bigger than his own fear for them.

Darkness will eventually bow for the pure light of love. It will be consumed by it.

Be compassionate with the people that fear the most.

Become that light of hope, joy, and life in a desert of darkness. This light will be seen from miles away and will be able to lighten up everything eventually.

Light only comes from darkness. It is this infinite dance of Shakti and Shiva, of creation and destruction. Learn to dance it with grace, courage, and joy and you'll be fine.

The medicine showed me there is this constant battle going on inside me, as on planet earth. A struggle between dark and light forces. They are all good, they are all sacred and part of the one and same story of the creation of my life, and our times.

Lucien Lecarme