How I Overcame Toxic Female Friendships

Every woman I know has been there; caught in a vicious, toxic relationship with their best female friend. “Frenemies”. It’s a label and a lifestyle that has been shoved down our throats by society for years. Some of the greatest hit teen movies and books centre around the theme of toxic female relationships; Mean Girls, Thirteen, Gossip Girl, the Betty & Veronica comics.

It’s so normalized, no one bats an eye when they get wrapped up in one themselves -- or see someone they love in the vicious cycle. In fact, the notion is now a widely accepted cliché as people believe “girls are catty” and “women are cutthroat in the workplace.” I’ve been told when I have a job interviewer, I should hope that it’s a man because women are jealous of each other. Is any of this true? Of course, there is an element of truth to most outdated stereotypes but there is so much more to it.

Growing up, I had a string of parasitic friendships that started as young as 6 years old and lasted throughout my teen years. Every time I was able to shrug myself of one of these girls, a new one would eventually appear in my life. Now that’s not to say that I was just some listless victim in the situation. I definitely had my part in these harmful relationships. There was something addicting about constantly trying to one-up my friend. Trying to prove myself to her whenever she put me down. Daring myself to do reckless things and behave in ways I was uncomfortable with, in order to make myself seem cool and desirable. Each of these acts would eventually result in shame and anguish afterward. At the time, I was unable to clearly see what was going on and how harmful our friendship was. To both of us.

What is it that makes girls or women act in this way? Finding a friend, an ally, a sister, only to turn the relationship into a soul-sucking, parasitic exchange. I for one, believe that there is a lot of pressure, especially on girls and young women, to be an image of perfection. Desirable, fun-loving, feminine, and at the same time “one of the guys.” I think that a girl’s best friend can become her outlet. Her safe place where she can divulge all of her insecurities, fears and failures. But she’s too insecure to be comfortable with that level of vulnerability and without having the tools to deal with all of these negative emotions, her outlet, her best friend, becomes the target of her abuse. Someone she can belittle and demean, so that she can feel superior.

This is sad. It breaks my heart to see women hurt each other but yes, it is human nature. This is not a female only problem but it is a specific type of relationship that I have experienced and seen in other women, that I think is expected and normalized by our society.

Eventually, I gained some clarity on the things that were making me miserable. I discovered that my own toxic friendships were among them and I cut those girls out. Cold and clean. I was honest. I told them that they had hurt me, that I didn’t feel like the person I wanted to be around them, and that I needed to move on. It was hard, but it was the beginning of a healing process that would eventually allow me to find truly wonderful female friendships.

For a while, I wasn’t able to manifest those friendships. To be honest, I didn’t know how to be a great friend either. I turned my attention to boys, to men. I became a “one of the guys” girl. I was happy to hang around guys. We had a lot of the same interests at the time, food, drinking, and video games. They usually didn’t put me down and often made me feel good about myself. I know what you’re thinking; “Isn’t that just because they wanted to get in your pants”. Well actually, yes, you’re absolutely right. They did want to get in my pants. This didn’t matter to me though. I was so eager to feel like I belonged somewhere that I was happy to play that role, of the just-a-guy-girl, the object of my friends’ desire. This new found fulfillment was short lived however. Eventually, my guy friends got tired of being “just friends”, now I was coaxed into romantic relationships with my male best friends, for fear of losing them too. I was also bitter and jealous towards other women. I became a girl who said, “I’d rather be around guys. Girls are so bitchy.”

I told one of my current friends, that I had once been a “woman hater” and mostly hung out with guys for a period in my teen years. She laughed and said, “Ohhh, you were one of those girls.” As she said those words, shame flooded my body. My jealousy and resentment of other women is not something I was or am proud of. It was something that was borne of anger, hurt and intense insecurity. Luckily, it was something I was able to transform.

After high school, it got easier. I don’t know about you, but I was meeting many more like minded people who were also eager to make genuine friends. From what I understand, that is the experience of many who have the gift of going to a post-secondary school. While I attended film school, I met many wonderful friends, female friends, that are still great friends to this day! Those girls became the girls who I grew with, who challenged me, and who I shared my insecurities with, safely. Now, along with my best female friends, I was pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, I was daring myself to do new things but it wasn’t coming from an unhealthy desire for approval, it was coming from a place of curiosity and of growth. These were the friends I became a woman with. These were the women who showed me that friendships are supportive, are fun, are beautiful.

Once you discover how to be a true friend, and you connect with others who are also ready, it just gets better and better. My best friends now have helped me through some seriously dark places. They have helped me gain perspective on emotional situations, that I am too close to, to see clearly. They have encouraged me to go after the things that I want, and believed in me when no one else has. They are the inspiring and beautiful people that I get to share the joys and anguishes of my life with. They are there for me.

The older I get, the more grateful I am for these genuine friendships. As I mature, I realize that being “cool” doesn’t really mean anything and it’s certainly not worth having a friend that you put down, just to make yourself feel good (or vice versa). If you are in this situation, if you are hurting because of a friend, I just want to say, that I get it. I’ve been there, I understand how easy it is fall into a toxic friendship. On some level, it is natural. To be competitive with our friends, to want to be the alpha female; but we don’t have to follow that basic nature, do we? I think we are finally starting to get it. As empathy and mindfulness techniques become more common place in our society, we understand each other more. Less and less, when a girl is having issues with another girl will her mother say, “Oh, she’s just jealous of you honey.” And hey, pop culture is starting to get on board with powerful feminine relationships! Just look at the biggest hit teen flick starring women of the last decade!

So pay attention to the friends in your life who make you flourish, and nurture those friendship. If you find yourself in a toxic friendship now, be gentle with yourself and forgiving to yourself and your friend. Try to be honest about your own shortcomings, and salvage the friendship if it’s worth it. If it’s time to move on, you’ll know. Bottom line is, friendships should feed you, not drain you.

“Female friendships that work are relationships in which women help each other belong to themselves.”

- Louise Bernikow