How I'm Choosing to Move On in 2021

Who would have guessed that four years into the most turbulent but surreal relationship of my life, I would have to take rejection the hard way – the one who was pined after was now the sad girl begging for an explanation over online messages at 8am on a Monday morning, and sending voice notes between wails.

It would be an understatement to say that I have been in pain for the past month and a half - grieving someone who is still alive is up there with the things I never want to experience again.

However, I’ve been throwing myself into learning new ways to improve and feel better each day whilst becoming stronger and challenging all I know.

So far, I’ve been practicing the following 7 rules to get through the day without bursting into tears every 30 minutes:

1. What are the repercussions of inaction?

Forgive yourself, mend your friendships and get out of bed

After having my heart shattered, it quickly dawned on me that I missed that one friend I had fallen out with 2 years prior.

I also understood that it is in adversity that you realise that you can forgive yourself for burning bridges, and ironically finding strength in the vulnerability to reach out to mend friendships with those who mean the most to you. Within a few days of our making up, a plan to meet had ensued, but I was still reluctant to leave the confines of my bed.

Don’t get me wrong, it is important to nurse our hearts and cry to rid ourselves of at least a fraction of the overwhelming stress our bodies are going through; but it is also important to start placing one foot forward towards healing ourselves.

At this point, it is easy to rely on the belief that your friends cannot understand your situation the way you do, and that they are not able to fill the void with that kind of love right now (and you’re right, no one ever understands the severity of anyone’s heartache, truly), but one habit that would stall your healing is prolonging the cocoon stage which can quickly become a comfort zone from hell.

At some point, you have to ask yourself what the consequences of inaction are.

This is me (left), choosing to not suffer the consequences of inaction by staying in bed and crying my eyes out for another hour, or coming up with wild thoughts that could drive me insane.

In this moment, I was happy. I was with my long-lost friend (right) and she was my sounding board, my bias supporter, the one to say the words that I, at that point, couldn’t have the heart to say.

Although I did get home to subsequently sob, I now realise that I am grateful for having chosen action over inaction. Considering the finite number of hours we do have on this Earth, I’m glad I dedicated 4 of them amid my personal hell to laughing and having conversations with people who love me the most.

The above worked hand-in-hand with adopting an easy morning routine which I have promised myself to stick to in the name of selfishly healing my heart. Attempt the following in that order:

• wake up;
• confront thoughts from a healthy perspective;
• brush teeth,
• skincare routine;
• shower;
• avoid cosy room – sit at the kitchen table or by an open window.

Date with a healthy purpose, or not at all

If a date does ensue immediately after a breakup, it’s important to detach this date with the intentions to soothe your insecurities stemmed from the end of your relationship. Realise that the failure to address your inner wounds and allowing yourself to rely on yet another person to remedy them will create an ongoing cycle of misery in the long run.

Conversely, I found that it is also okay to take time to unpack what you are going through so as to not repress what you wish would be solved in the long run. Inaction by ignoring your needs and boundaries is bound to hurt you to a greater extent than is fathomable.

So, ask yourself why you feel you are ready or not to start dating again. In this way, bleeding on those who have no business being soiled by your inner wounds is also avoided.

2. “Be the asshole”

My brother asked me to temporarily be the asshole in a bid to kickstart my healing.

His advice was to not compare stages of heartbreak with someone else’s, to take time to go through the motions and make important realisations, but to understand that the most important part is to not go back to what was blatantly bad for the self.

At the beginning stages, I tried hard to understand how I could change myself overnight to keep someone who couldn't do the same for me, and who gave up on our four years. I never wanted to paint him in a bad light or call him out for his flaws at that point.

I soon realised that it does not matter – they will never know you are resenting them in the initial stages, or that you're giving them the finger each time they cross your mind.

However, remember that to be the asshole does not mean you remain angry, and it does not mean you stick to resentment; to constantly feel angry and resentful is physically and emotionally taxing. Feel what needs to be felt, then let it go.

After this stage, it is important to start confronting the ego.

3. Induce your ego death and be kind to yourself

I’ve realised that the ego will forever stall your progress to being the best version of you that you can be because it is constantly defending itself in its quest to avoid disintegration - that is, dissolving of ego in the face of harsh reality.

This will inevitably prolong suffering. Stop trying to figure out if they hate you, or what else you could have done to make them love you. Stop trying to fit in boxes to enable your classification of the situation.

It is important to accept what is as what is and to focus on trying to cope and heal, rather than trying to understand what has already been said and shown.

I understand that letting go of the negative sides of our ego is difficult and that that, in itself, is an ongoing journey involving more research. However, addressing my ego and holding myself accountable for egoistic behaviours are proving to be effective during times in which I am painfully perceiving situations.

No contact

It’s been said over and over – no contact is probably one of the most effective things that you can do. It leaves no room for disappointment and pain.

The difficulty of the no contact rule has oftentimes been overlooked. In my case, after 3 weeks of successfully ignoring my urges to contact my ex, seeing him ride by freely and happily reduced my body to jelly, my brain froze and on my finger’s own accord, they started typing in his chatbox. As expected, that interaction left me feeling 10x miserable, more broken than ever and like I was annoying and not good enough.

Here’s the thing though – kill the part of you that feels like you are not good enough. Understand that it is the cycle of life to max out your utility for things you used to love – some faster than others – and that is not your fault that your values cannot be reflected in another person.

It is not your job to force someone to love you and no matter what you do, once someone has made a decision to live their lives without you, all you can do is carry your heart gently and not bully yourself into healing.

I’ve also decided to kill the part of me that relies on external validation and the need to show them I am doing better – this stems from the existence of the ego.

Delete them on social media: out of sight and out of mind (eventually). This saves your heart from disappointment when they watch your stories with no reply, or when you see them post with someone else. It will also allow you to heal authentically and peacefully, without the interjection from the need to be validated.

4. What are the repercussions of blindness?

I started to accept the breakup is real when I started opening my eyes to what I did not want to see at first – the things that were so easily disregarded in the name of keeping the peace. These small things created a tiny but significant road to chaos, hence the end of the relationship.

Was I blind to how he would be so adamant that sweeping the house at least once a day was too much? YES. It may seem trivial but when you possess something, you take care of it – especially a home that provides shelter and comfort. If someone is comfortable in the mess they live with, what made me think they’d try to work out the knots in our relationship?

So, ask yourself what you were most scared to address in the relationship and choose to see that. Understand that remaining blind to these important details will be the most terrifying thing you will be choosing to engage with.

Also, I’m begging, if you find that you have drafted a long list of pros and cons and several breakup messages in your Notes app whilst in the relationship, recognise the gift of being the first to leave because you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

5. Challenge your perception and be open to different principles that make life a little more tolerable

Accept that things are beyond your control

I hate surprises. I am actively working on accepting that someone else will come into their life because they chose not to have me there. It is the most painful thing to imagine, I suppose.

As the thoughts emerge, try to accept that there is really nothing that can be done about it and that their finding of another love is inevitable. Remind yourself to let it go because trying to manifest a change or think of alternative solutions to avoid that is unrealistic and a waste of precious time. Having a rational internal voice reiterate ‘let it go’ and other truths help.

This is aided by venturing into various eye-opening principles, including Daoism and Stoicism, in addition to my own religion. Some influential and helpful virtues I have been actively trying to live by are:

Stoicism:

• “How long are you going to wait until you demand the best for yourself?” – Epictetus
• “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength” – Marcus Aurelius
• “We are more often frightened than hurt, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca
• “Don’t seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but rather wish that everything happens as it actually will—then your life will flow well.” – Epictetus
• “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor Frankl

Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching (Daoism/Taoism):

• “Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear?” – remember that the best way to clear muddy water is to leave it alone.
• “Be like water” – embrace flexibility and move away from being too rigid. This will allow you to be resilient, adaptable and at peace in the face of change. It also teaches us to find strength in being soft, as even water can wear away rock.
• “Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt.” – stop forcing things to be; if they don’t want you, let them go.
• “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
• “Loss is not as bad as wanting more.”

Of course, these should be explored within individual boundaries and beliefs.

Accept that life is terrifyingly difficult

Try to understand that life is very difficult, regardless of what others portray. Life is tough, it is hard and it does not shut its eyes for anyone. It is also not linear and therefore, healing won’t be linear but you can do what you can with what you know.

It is also comforting to put things into perspective – so many people are going through terribly painful breakups like us, just open the TikTok App for evidence.

I’ve recently discovered that reminding myself of couples that parted but have seen success from that point on makes me feel better, too: Reese Witherspoon, who was married to and had kids with Ryan Phillippe, is now remarried and has another son; Olivia Rodrigo, bless her soul, is rumoured to have written the song Driver’s Licence about the boy who replaced her and is now rising to fame.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, amidst the inevitable difficulties of this life, we should look to the future and find opportunities to manifest in instead of trying to think of how we could have impossibly changed our pasts.

Challenge the way relatability in media is sought

It is often easier to put on a sad song and cry to it because of the way we can relate to the lyrics.

We’re leaving this method behind, as of now. Instead, we are finding meaning in lyrics that are meant for us (the better us). For example, when Dermot Kennedy belts his lyrics, I listen to how intensely he sings and how meaningful his lyrics are. In this way, I envision that this will one day be something that could be said to or about me, or that I could experience as well.

Take these, for example:

"For days when you don't know if the moon will even come, and then it lays down and I'm telling you, man, it's sweet when it does. And when I think of you, I think of spirit defined and I think of all the love that we shared in a very dark time" – Dermot Kennedy, The Killer Was a Coward

"I really think you’re heaven sent 'cause there’s a beauty in being broken, I’ve been seeing it" – Dermot Kennedy, Without Fear

6. Set long-term goals and tie them to yourself

My epiphany came when I realised that I actually needed this time to myself. My hair was shedding from nutrition neglect, I was wholly insecure and I realised that I relied on the comfort the relationship offered from the illusion of stability; obviously, I badly needed to work on myself, for myself.

Take this time to focus on discovering good nutritional habits, workout for your own confidence, focus on relearning the value of your own self, or set up a Pinterest Board for where you want to be in the next few months - and stick to it.

Setting goals and working incrementally to achieve them, I found, was life-changing. It gave me something to look forward to that was not so dark and anxiety-ridden. I realised that much of it was attached to the ‘glow-up’ effect I would achieve from them – to get back at my ex, of course. However, I stepped away from my ego and realised that my own long-term goals should not be attached to temporary things that pay no value to my life.

Be hopeful that once you achieve these goals, your standards for yourself and what you need at that time in your life would have shifted for the greater good and work towards seeing these goals eventuate.

What is going on with me right now? I’ve booked the long-awaited appointment to get my braces in view of having the widest smile in the photos of my future wedding with the love of my life (one day!). I’ve also started working out to be comfortable in my body so I can never let someone allow me to be torn down by their comments on how unhealthy I look.

Hear me when I say that you can do so much better for yourself than anyone else can for you!

7. Realise that you will inevitably die

"I remember when her heart broke over stubborn shit, that's no way to be living, kid - the Angel of Death is ruthless" - Dermot Kennedy, An Evening I Will Not Forget

As harsh as it sounds, it is the truth that we must confront. Try to constantly remind yourself that not doing the things you love and prolonging your days in bed takes days off that you'll never get back.

Heartbreak has a tendency to allow us to swing on the idea that we'd rather just cease to exist than to go through the pain, but what happens when the feeling would have subsided and the good days inevitably come?

If they’re happy and living life, you deserve to find your happiness in each day too.

Kill the part of you that feels like you’d be better off sleeping and hurting. You’re better off doing the things you love and being around people who care for you, for as long as you have left.

Finally, it’s important to know that healing is a journey and things that work for you should be for you. I’m still going through the Winter of my life but each day is closer to Spring, and eventually, Summer.

Everything now also reminds me that that happiness comes from yourself and those who can truly love you beyond any limit, fallout or timeframe.