How I Learned to Have Tough Conversations with My Partner

Not everyone has good communication skills but when it comes to relationships we have no other option but to learn if we want to make it work.

I sucked at this big time, I still do. I cringe so hard now when I remember those times where tough conversations between me and my partner didn’t end well.

After many years, I now finally understand why people say it’s so easy to fall in love with somebody yet it’s hard to keep it going and actually have a healthy relationship.

Loving somebody fully, accepting their flaws but at the same time trying to find the middle ground to align with your expectations is not easy. I genuinely think this is why so many couples quit.

Knowing the time to lower down your guard and trying to see things from your partner’s perspective can be challenging sometimes because — let’s be honest— we all want to feel like we are right.

Even if we are right, it’s still important to lower our ego so that two people will start listening to each other truthfully. Too many times we just want to be heard but not taking the time to understand what our partner is trying to tell us.

A couple of months back I did something that I considered the hardest thing I’ve ever done because it took so much courage in me to sit down and let my partner knows how I feel without putting the blame all on him.

Even though people say to just let it all out and be fully open, I still think it’s necessary for me to read books and learn from the experts. These people have spent endless time studying relationships, what words to use, and hundreds of other useful researches so why not trying them out combined with your own ways that felt right at that moment, right?

So as someone who tends to hold back things and just keep it for me, I was surprised it went well. I didn’t lose myself and most importantly, that one talk has strengthened our relationship overall.

If you’ve been in a similar situation but still don’t know how to have a tough conversation with your partner without losing yourself, you might want to try these tips.

I can’t promise you that these are the perfect ones because every relationship is different and only you know it best. However, these are the ones that work for me every time.

1. Lower Down Your Ego

I can’t stress this enough, no matter how hurt you are feeling inside. You need to be heard by your partner when telling them how you really feel but they won’t be able to do it when you show so much ego in the first place, they’ll feel attacked instead.

It’s completely fine to be fully vulnerable and honest. By doing so, it makes your partner willing to put themselves in your shoes for once and finally understand what you’re going through.

2. Focus on One Problem at a Time

Make sure you only focus on the problem that you wanted to talk about. I know it can be tempting to bring up all the other 10 issues that happened in the past, but that also the fastest way to kill the conversations.

On the other hand, your partner will feel overwhelmed and so much attacked if you don’t stick with just one problem at a time. Once you find the middle ground with one problem then maybe it’s time to talk about another one- even though I suggest not doing it on the same day.

3. Be a Good Listener

Right after you tell your partner everything you wanted to say, wait, and listen carefully to what they need from you back. Don’t interrupt them or jump to a conclusion quickly.

You might not agree with what they say, it’s expected because we all have different perspectives on things and that’s okay.

What’s not okay is expecting them to agree with us and fulfill whatever expectations we have of them. That will just make your partner resent you even more.

4. Find the Middle Ground Together

Finally, when you feel like you talk enough about the problem, try to find the middle ground that you both are going to be happy with.

While some people end the conversation with promises, I personally don’t find it useful. Yes, words do matter but actions are what we need.

Change is hard and it takes real effort for people to do so and sometimes we can see how much they value their relationships by how much effort to put in order to improve it.

To discuss the practical ways instead of just saying promises to each other. Make it clear what do you want. Leave no room for sugar-coating stuff because being real honest is the real key here.

5. Give Reassurance to Your Partner

Lastly, tell them that you appreciate their time listening to you express your feelings. Let them know even though it’s a hard thing to do but it’s necessary because you still want to make it work.

You don’t want to just keep it for yourself and end up resenting them later in the future. The same goes for your partner, make sure you are still on the same page.

Final Thoughts

I never believed that relationships are easy. It might be for the first couple of months or even years but when the "butterflies feeling" fades away then you’ll start seeing the real sides of your partner and, for some people, it’s hard because they don’t align with their expectations in the first place.

But that’s the time to see how much work are you willing to put in to make it work for both of you.

Having tough conversations from time to time will make the bond stronger and it’s easier to open up next time you have a problem.

Might not be easy to do but isn’t that one of the great parts of being in a relationship? Constant learning together to become better for yourself and for each other.

This story has originally appeared on Medium.