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How Do I Pick Up the Pieces?

This is something I wrote at 3 am, with tears rolling down my face.

By Sarah MullinsPublished 7 years ago 2 min read

Memories are haunting. I wish I had a way to shut them off. Like a remote for the mind, if you will. Everything is reminding me of him and it's because we did everything together. I'm mourning and I can't stop. He promised me that I wouldn't be alone. That he would never hurt me. But here I am, alone and hurt. Hurt by the person who was never supposed to hurt me. The person who I loved with every single ounce of who I am. The person that held my heart. And when he left, he didn't let go of my heart. He still had it in his grip as I forced myself out of the door. I felt every tendon snap with every step I took. Then it was emptiness. Then there were tears. A constant flow that never stopped. From 8am to 4am the next day. Constant. And food is a foreign concept to me now. Every time I try to eat something, I take a few bites and feel sick. So my body is rejecting food. It's rejecting anything I put into it. Sleeping is also a foreign concept. I've slept a total of 6 hours in 3 days. If that. Every time I try and sleep, my chest feels heavy and I can't help but think about how he should be next to me, holding me, like he did every single night for 5 months. How do you go from sleeping beside someone every single night for 5 months, to sleeping alone on a couch? And let's not forget Reyna. God, do I miss that dog. And I miss him. I wish I didn't miss him. I wish I could erase him from my memory, if only for a day.

He was my safe place, my home, my best friend, my soulmate. And all of that was ripped out from under me in 20 minutes. I miss every single thing about him. Even the stuff that pissed me off... I miss. I would put up with it over and over and over again if it meant I could spend my life with him. I don't know how he went from loving me to not wanting to speak to me in 12 hours. But he did. And it shattered me into a million pieces. And it's not as if someone can just match up the pieces and glue them back together. I am a puzzle with nothing but white pieces, and there are millions of white pieces. Nobody can put me back together. I've been broken before. But now I'm broken with no chance of repair. This was my One. He was my One. And fuck, do I hope he changes his mind. I would do anything if he were to change his mind. I've never loved someone as much as I do him. I just wish he loved me enough to stay. It's going to be hard not to talk to him but his mom said to give him a few days, so I'll give him a few days. I just hope he knows how much I love him and the extent of the damage he has caused. Nobody understands how I process heartache. I can't eat, sleep, clean myself or work. I let go of everything important in life. Because none of it matters if he isn't there to live it with me.


About the Creator

Sarah Mullins

23 years old. Recently broken-hearted and trying to pick the pieces back up. I enjoy long walks downtown and talking to my neighbors. I read books and immerse myself in the story every single time. It takes me to a different world.

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    Sarah MullinsWritten by Sarah Mullins

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