How A Bottle Became My Therapist

It's been four years since I've even thought of a man as being anything other than invisible, let alone thought about dating one of them. I've gotten really good at being on my own, and I'm truly happy about that. The only reason I decided to be single in the first place was because I needed to know what it was like to be on my own. I needed to know who I was and what I wanted.

You see, in my previous relationships, I had a tendency to fall fast and shape myself into whatever they loved. I was the "perfect girlfriend". Everything they needed in a partner, but I wasn't even close to being half of what I really am. I did anything I could to make sure they would be happy, without expecting the same in return. I never made a fuss about things that made me uncomfortable, and I apologized for things that I didn't believe were wrong. Rather than stand up for the things that were important to me, I silenced the voice inside my head and did whatever I knew would please them. In doing all of that, I lost myself entirely. For a while, I was just going through the motions. I was a robot in a heavy fog, unable to see what was going on and how it was affecting me.

I couldn't tell you the exact moment it happened, but in a blink I got my sight back. Everything was so clear and I knew that I had to get myself out of the situation I was in.

So, I did just that.

I had a very difficult conversation with a man who knew nothing about me, and then I went home only to cry violently in my mom's arms. I didn't cry because of the breakup. I cried because I was exhausted and I didn't have to be anymore. I didn't have to hold that weight ever again and the relief was overwhelming. Once I could get my breathing back to normal, my mom pranced into the kitchen and came back with a bottle of merlot. She said that a glass of wine pairs well with an emotional breakthrough.

It has been four years since we drank that entire bottle, and in all of that time I never got rid of it. Every time I look at it, I'm reminded of that day. It gives me confidence knowing that I don't have to settle for anybody who wants me to be anything other than what I am.

It gives me strength.

In the past, I think I made the mistakes that I did because these "men" made me feel a certain way that I didn't yet feel about myself. I was very insecure in my own skin, but I believed them when they told me I was beautiful. So, I think I turned myself into that "perfect girlfriend" because I didn't want to lose that feeling. I know that sounds pathetic, but back then all I wanted was to be loved. To feel worthy of love. I figured that it was okay that I didn't love myself as long as somebody else did. However, now all it takes is one look at that merlot and I can't believe there was ever a time that I didn't love myself just as I am. It is crazy how something as simple as a bottle of wine can make such an impact.

A while ago, I decided to fill it with things that made me feel something. Each day I would get a piece of paper, write on it something that evoked some type of emotion in me, and then I would drop it in the bottle. Doing this every day was a huge help in finding myself again because I was learning about what made me feel. Figuring out what made me different from the obedient puppet that I used to be. What I hated, what I loved, what made me confused or what I was indifferent to. I was really getting to know myself better than I ever had and understanding that I don't have to be just one thing. I could be sad or angry in any given moment, and that didn't make me any less lovable than when I was happy.

Writing these little notes down helps me to live in the present. It keeps my mind at ease, without thinking too much about what is going to happen next and allows me to soak up and enjoy everything that is around me right then and there. I am currently sitting at a bar by myself and I think I know exaclty what my piece of paper is going to say for today so, I grab my phone and open the "notes" app to write it down before I forget. I've got about four letters typed before I'm interrupted by somebody asking if the seat to my right is taken.

I look up from my phone to see the man that had been sitting on the other side of the bar when I walked in an hour ago. I know it's the same guy because I remember letting out an embarrassing and very much audbile grunt at the sight of him. I would describe the way he looks, but my words won't do him justice. Let's just say that I will not be taking my jacket off, because seeing him up close has ruined the armpits of my shirt underneath. Feeling extremely attractive at this point and somehow, I manage to tell him that the seat isn't taken.

He starts telling me that since we're both there alone, it only makes sense that we should sit together. I'm aware of how cheeky that is and how he most likely got it from a romantic comedy, but it worked. Literally out of thin air, this conversation between strangers starts and regardless of my nerves it's fluid. We're learning all the regular things about each other. You know-our names, ages, where we work, and how many siblings we have. Very quickly, we are developing an easy banter between the two of us. Talking to him is a nice change of pace, because there's no pressure to have perfect chemistry or for there to be a "spark" that every single woman in the world insists on being present. We are just two people getting to know each other and before I know it, he is asking me out on a date.

I lift my chin and squint my eyes pretending like I don't already know my answer. I give him a couple more seconds to sweat it out before I say "yes" and to that he responds "Great! I will pick you up for our date after I go to the bathroom". So now I'm sitting here frozen and deeply confused until he comes back asking if I'm ready to go.

Okay, so this date is happening right now! I did say I enjoy living in the present.

Outside of the bar, he tells me that we are going to his favorite place in the world. A little deep for a first date, but I'm interested to know where that is. It is walking distance, which is a nice suprise because the night is absolutely breathtaking. There are about a million and one stars, the moon looks like an orange slice, and the breeze is the kind that can't help but make your eyes close.

I close my eyes one more time to feel the breeze on my face as best as I can. When I open them, I smile because he has taken me to the library. He has taken me to the place where it is okay to get lost. A place where I have been on countless occasions, just to get away from whatever drama was going on in my life. The library has always had the magic to silence the background and take me into a different world when I needed a break from my own.

We've been in this library for hours. We are like kids grabbing books left and right just to read each other our favorite quotes. Sometimes, we're even reading entire chapters at a time talking about why those particular parts are so dear to us. Turns out, you can learn a lot about someone by reading bits and pieces of their favorite books. By the end of our very first date, I feel like I know him better than I know some of my best friends.

I am sure there isn't a book in this library that we haven't open up and yet, I could stay here and open every single one of them again. Instead, we head back to my car where we stand for a very quiet, but content moment just before he kisses me. He kisses my forehead, then my nose, then my chin, and finally lands on my lips. It's so delicate, like I'm made of glass and he's making sure not to break me. It was the perfect way to end the best date that I have ever been on, and the amazing thing is that I wouldn't even mind it if I never get to see him again.

He did all of the right things. His interest in what I had to say seemed authentic, his humor wasn't forced, his kissing abilities didn't suck, and he was confident without being arrogant. There were a couple of things I learned about him that raised red flags, but that's what made this date better than all of the rest. If I had gone on this date four years ago, I would have been attached to this man like velcro. I would've been defenseless against him, and I certainly wouldn't have seen a single red flag. I'm leaving this date feeling an immense amount of pride. I was able to have an incredible time with a gorgeous man who treated me kindly, and still feel peace knowing that I would be okay without him. I would be okay because I still had myself. The great part, is that I know who that is now.

I love who that is.

Just before I crawl into bed and call it a night, I write “me” down on a piece of paper and throw it in the bottle.