Hindu Sorceress

A seductress in her own right

Sorcery at its peak

Yet, it's as though she doesn’t know that she had a hand in a spell casted.

Escaped breath, swift on the wings of Death

She had taken its cold hands off and Life anew

One day, I can't recall the exact day, she walked into my restaurant. She had walked in before, only allowing me to catch a glimpse of her but today… this day… she stayed. Longer than the standard 2.5 seconds in which it took customers to locate their online order. A tool to avoid patience and person interaction between staff and customer. The line had been drawn, yet, this particular day, I made a line in which the direction took a turn in an unplanned way.

Disheartened that a technical error had occurred while placing her order, I go over to her and her scent masked the smell of fresh produce. Floral yet exotic. Like her. A Tahiti wildflower in the city full of weeds. Imitations of flowers plague the city yet her was one I haven’t seen since I moved back to the east coast. Suddenly, wave of nerves hit me and I silently drowned in as I took her order, asking for each ingredient, only as reflection of her. Curry cauliflower, a spice that begun in the region in which she was born in. As I realized that her salad was what some call spicy, I tossed and mixed her, imagining how I’d be a mix to her.

She is dressed professional, not too revealing yet her sex appeal was there. Her dark lipstick, stained the deepest red, drew my bottom lip in. Her eye makeup accented her almond shaped eyes, against her chestnut brown eyes. Like wet earth, mother nature nestled herself as I recall her smooth olive skin.

We chatted, exchanged pleasant conversation as I couldn’t help but to stare, smiled a work smile while nerves were increasing each time she spoke. Something inside compelled to try a different approach.

If you played on the all girls team, I would give you my number. A cheesy line. A well execution with corny intentions. I wanted to hear a response that would put everything back in reality. Yet a response caused me to halt.

Really?!?!

Really??

Confused yet hopeful emotion followed by a sigh. She asked for my number and a note. I oblige excitedly. Was this happening? Was this real life? Was the cheerleader asking the nerd for HER number? As I continue to push my surprised response, my mind began to race to find what I could possibly say to her. Honesty flowed at the bottoms of my marker. Scribbles that look like words but the excitement shown. She smile broke harder and I melted. She was breathtaking, trying to reclaim mine. She carried herself like the women I had seen in California. My home. She was the very embodiment of my happiness that the state gave me and the desperate need to go back. I looked on my phone and a new number glowed as she responded to my cute note with cute response. She excited me. She intrigued me. She caused an emotion I haven’t felt in a while. Was it a sense of pride that a potential woman would show interest in me before I did her? That I could be the very one that she could even consider a mate? Insecurity began to rear its head, overshadowing my thoughts of potential scenarios playing out with her.

The butterflies flutter rapidly as I anticipate her messages to me. Everyday with the sweetest good mornings, to end with the kindest goodnight. As my fingers type rapidly, I try to refrain from exposing my truest feelings, my deepest desires, my questionable motives. She caused me to rethink… And reflect on approaches that are different from the ones she had encountered. The lines that men would say to have her wondering if this is the guy. I didn’t want to be one of those, however, carnal desires portrayed otherwise as I found myself shopping for her, finding items which a women of her statute would like.

I paint various ideas of times in which I will, again, be in her presence. Anxiously waiting for the next “date” to be had. I picture unfolding various parts that made her her. Mystery surrounded her; however, that fact alone drew me to her. Taking her to public places, I had to act casual while beaming about her. The fact she was on my arm, even if it was for a short time, thrilled me. As friends inquired about her, I couldn’t help but to gush, speak her high praises. That’s what she was. A high priestess on her throne… in her own right. I was honor to even be considered a special person to her. Regardless in which way she would even consider me “special.”

Brunch date, on an autumn Sunday, festive feeling overcame me as I made my way to her. Delicious cuisines that only were a taste of what she have had her whole life. French cuisine on American soil, by creating amazing toast with maple syrup. Again, she took my breathe away as we intervened at the cafe. Her smile as she speaks about her achievements of the week made my heart weak. Trying to keep composure, I allowed myself to let her shine. My god, so bright I basked in its warmth. I wanted to understand where this feeling was coming from, that being giddy has become a norm. I uncover reservations as we would continue down the path towards… the unknown. Her ethnic and religious upbringing causes an internal stir against what is obvious versus what has been established centuries ago. Along with age, I see walls. Set against the potential of love or relationship forming. Rebellious attitude is what I am accustomed to. My savage nature of various approaches to life has been encoded into my own essence. Could she handle it? Her questioning doesn’t show certainty.

She invited me over to her home, her sanctuary. As a trembling sinner, I said of course. I could repent my sins, if there was a sin to repent to. Excitedly, I prematurely plan our date but reality seeps in. Funds are low. Broke until payday. As I again allow my imagination to take flight, it begins to drop in altitude, down to the skies of lust. Her petite body against my palms, cupping her legs around my neck, suckling away. White. Sheer linen against her skin. A Hindu goddess standing before me, nude, aching for me. To satisfy her every need… I would be a slave to her power. Nothing about that scares me, it brings me in closer.

This new feeling that I had had been long overdue. After a tragic end to a 2 year relationship, countless detachments and endless, zipless affairs, she awoke me from a dark slumber. She excited me. She liberated me. Like a chilling breath on a winter day, she was the heat. I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to allow it. I wanted to stay a stone statue when it came to the matters of the heart. Yet… she chipped away at it. With every smile, with every laugh, with every tiny glimpse that I had caught from her… my heart began to beat again.

Like most things, they come to a complete end. Ours, more or less, allowed society pressures to cause ackwardness. The sweet morning messages started to go unanswered. Planned times of hanging out or meeting up would just… pass. Driving me insane, I needed answers. Why have the very thing that brought me so much happiness, so much joy, would progressively …end? She would begin to exhibit the very same actions after a man leaves a one night stand. Softly closing the door, never to be heard from again. She had begun to quietly and softly tiptoe out of my life. And I didn’t want her to go. I wanted her to stay.

She came from a different background than me. A whole different environment then myself. She was from India. A country that I had adored growing up. The art. The language, the culture of India that had my life aglow. I had begun to explore the ancient histories and cultures outside of mine and as I fed my mind with various things; she had came into those doors of my store and life; planted seeds of inquiry and... left. And being that she is from India, being gay or even lesbian is punishable to the furthest extent. As I couldn’t imagine putting her through any imaginable pain, it makes my whole self angry. Why did she have to be from an environment that is firm in the old, religious ways that don't allow her to freely love or be loved? Isn’t that what every religion preaches?

She’s younger than me. I have had years of figuring myself out and on the verge of certainty, I met and became enamored with someone who is at a point that she is still figuring out herself. Another fact that frustrates me. Age and wisdom does go hand and hand. That experiences molds us and ways that later becomes who we are. Throughout my life, I have had those experiences and am looking forward to more. As much as I wanted those to be with her, it wasn’t gonna happen. Those major facts have brought forth the very thing I had knew in the back of mind. She was the unattainable and no matter how much fight I put it, it wasn’t gonna change.

As I begin 2018, I had gone in with the thought of “I am capable of getting anyone I want.” She was going to represent everything I stood for and I would smile as people would ask, “How did you get her?” As everyone would gawk at her, I would be in awe. An unlikely couple. Two “fems” navigating through life and loving each other throughout. That idea would later go on my mind's backburner as I had allow hurt to fuel motivation. Like many heartaches and breaks that had occurred, it has be the drive I needed to be the ideal woman that I see myself becoming.