High Conflict People

Life and work-life can be rather challenging. Have you ever had a day where you have had some rather emotionally charged discussions at work, just to get home to something similar?

Your life can be a living hell if you are a more amicable person surrounded by high-conflict personalities. But this may very well be somebody’s everyday life experience.

When bullies surround us, we need to learn about the enemy and how they operate.

The dominant characteristic of high conflict people is that they have a preoccupation with blaming others. When things go wrong, they never look in the mirror. They always look outside of themself for the reasons for their problems.

Once they fix their mind on a specific person as a reason for their woes, then it is very difficult to change their mind. In fact, you won’t and it will lead to frustration trying to do so. If they have targeted you as the person who is the reason for their problems, you have a significant challenge ahead of you, but there are solutions. Keep reading.

The high conflict person is a person who is not aware of the nuances of life, the thinking through the details and intricacies that usually can lead to an understanding of others, is non-existent. Prior to finding out the facts, they will fly off the handle and confirm their bias, that the person who is the source of their problems is, once again, the source of their woes.

Unmanaged emotions characterize their reactions. It is almost as if these people never matured emotionally. They got stuck emotionally at the point of throwing their toys out of their cot.

I had a boss who was a high conflict person, very pushy and tense. He was always trying to outcompete all of those around him. One of my colleagues bought a motorbike and was telling everyone in the office about his new motorbike and the fun he had riding it on the weekend. That day he had ridden it to the office, and we all went and looked at it. My boss came along too, to look at it in the parking lot. I could feel his vibe of jealousy and disdain.

My boss had a dislike for this colleague who had just purchased the motorbike, and it was literally a week later that my boss had bought himself a better motorbike and was showing it off in front of the staff. It was so childish and ridiculous, but he would not allow my colleague his time in the limelight. My boss had decided that my colleague was the target of all the problems in our company. He had to be knocked down a few rungs on the ladder.

These high conflict people cannot manage their emotions, their outbursts are way over the top, and their language fits their emotional dummy spits.

“It's a bloody disaster!” That was the standard response, and he would throw a pen, calculator, or stapler across the room at any sign of a challenge in our business. My boss would shout and scream, as if that was going to help solve the issue at hand. It made for a very uncomfortable working environment, and I realized he was an emotional child.

Another characteristic of these people is that after they spit their dummies and rant and rave, they apologize, once they once again take control of their emotions. They then make excuses for their ridiculous behavior.

How do you deal with these people?

First, you try not to; it is literally better not to get too close to these people, if you have to work with them, then make sure you keep your distance, be friendly and polite, but as soon as you get too close you could end up being the target.

Never let them know you think they are high conflict people. They hate having to explain their behavior and will become even more aggressive. Even when they come and apologize and try to rationalize their behavior, do not think you can now ask them for explanations. Doing so will mean you could become the next target.

Do not get into an argument with them, that’s what they want. Then, when they have you locked into the argument, you may just end up being their next target. They may see you with those all-or-nothing eyes. Rather, just walk away and let them think they have won the argument. When you hear them trying to ‘bait’ you into an argument, rather make an excuse and walk away, say something like. “I am sorry. I really need to go to the bathroom.” That will give them time to calm down.

If you cannot get away, apply this strategy, remain calm, as difficult as it is in the moment, and show empathy. “I can see that you feel deeply about this.” Give them your attention and show respect for them. Do not get dragged down into the mudslinging, if that is where they are. Those witnessing this interaction will make the mudslinger feel rather small after the event. And you will raise your own profile.

You will never change these people and the best is to limit interaction with them as much as possible. It is unfortunate if you have to work with them daily. My advice is that it is best to either accept them or find another job.

Preoccupation with blaming others

all or nothing thinking, my way or the highway,

unmanaged emotions

extremes of behavior — 90% rule shocking behavior and then they make an excuse.

Don’t tell them that you think they are high conflict

Target of blame, they see a single person as the cause of all their problems, they become fixated and focused on that person

Avoid being a target — don’t get too close, the ones they are close to are at risk of becoming the target.

Not engaging in conflict with them, do not engage, they will not change, and when you challenge them, they see you with those all-or-nothing eyes.

Don’t make interactions too personal.