Hidden Feelings

Right now I’m just laying in bed, at 12:13 in the morning full of insecurities. The thing that is on my mind and constantly tugging at my heart are my thoughts about my relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as much as I love my current S/O. Although I love him very much—like any other girl in love—I’m still full of doubts and insecurities about our relationship. I worry about things I should have confidence in. I can’t help but think that there could be a girl that is more worthy than I am for him. I feel that perhaps one day, I may not be good enough for him. I worry that one day he’ll see me and realize that he doesn’t love me anymore. The possibility of falling out of love and in love with someone else truly scares me. I’ve seen it happen a few times in my family and I’m scared of that kind of heartbreak. So many scenarios run through my mind so often that I put myself into thinking that that is what’s in the process of happening now. My insecurities about myself don't help at all. I spend so much time thinking about it when I am calling with him that it puts me into a quiet mood. A mood where I don’t know what to say or talk to him about, leaving our phone calls silent and still.

Trust plays a major importance in any relationship. I trust my s/o wholeheartedly, but sometimes, my heart can’t help it if it wavers. When I deeply look into what it is I’m so scared about, I see that I’m not worried about my s/o. Instead, I’m worried about the other women. Like any woman in a relationship, no matter how much we trust our partner, at one point, we worry about other women approaching them for reasons beyond just friendship. I am one of them who worries about such a thing happening. My biggest fear is that another woman will come in between our relationship with the intention of breaking up our (my s/o and I’s) relationship. I guess I also worry a lot that he’ll fall in love with someone else, someone who is prettier and on a different level than I am.

Personally, I know my value, I know I am also pretty and a good person. But sometimes, you can’t help but have those thoughts and feelings that he’ll meet someone new and eventually fall in love with her instead. Anyone in a relationship will have that thought. Truth is, I’m not jealous about the women who are the same nationality he is, but more so other foreign women. There are many other foreign women who look more exotic, have the perfect body, and the confidence. Whereas, compared to looking at me, I feel I’m just “plain” or “somewhat normal” looking. The disappointing thing is that I used to have so much confidence about my flaws. Yes, I was never significantly beautiful or have the body of a model, but I loved who I was. I loved everything about myself. Somewhere along the line, I lost all of it. In the end, it just really left me self-conscious and not really feeling comfortable about myself. Of course me s/o will tell me that he loves all of me, that I’m also cute and pretty, and that I should be confident in myself. However, I just don’t think I can feel that way yet. Either way, as much as I don’t want to believe or admit it, but I guess I’m easily jealous when other women are mentioned.

Sometimes I think that he doesn’t notice it much or maybe ignores it, but sometimes, the things he tells me about them, I feel that they like him more than just a friend. In my eyes, my s/o is handsomer than he thinks, he’s funny, kind, considerate, very caring, outgoing, and overall one of the rarest type of guys you’ll ever meet. Of course, he may not think so or doesn't believe it, but as a woman, we can just tell these kinds of things. And that’s what hurts. Of course it can’t be helped, it’s a natural thing/situation that happens. But at the same time, it can’t be helped when you feel hurt. Of course he must also have these kinds of thoughts or feelings when I mention conversations with other guys. Honestly, I try to keep them to myself because I am aware of his feelings and that he also sometimes feels a little jealous when I talk to other Japanese men. But at that point I just want to declare that I have feelings for him and him only. My feelings will never change. That the only man for me is him, and that he cannot and better not fall in love with another foreign girl and keep his eyes only on me. Because for me, he’s the only man I see. But at the same time, if his feelings were to ever change or hesitate, to tell me. Because the biggest and most painful heartache he can give me, is lying about his feelings to me, leaving me a one sided love for him. We probably have similar thoughts about what I wrote, and it is something we lightly discussed. But I think it’s a little difficult to fully communicate our feelings towards each other about this.

Communication is also of big importance. He sometimes probably questions why I don’t like to speak in Japanese often while on call. I guess in a way, that’s also what I’m insecure about. Honestly, the four years I spent learning Japanese, I also question if I really learned anything. Of course it is much easier for me to read and write in Japanese because I can take my time, think about it before sending out a reply. But when it comes to actually speaking and communicating, it’s like everything I learned is wiped clean from my memory. I forget about it all and I don’t know what to say. That’s also why I’m so insecure about it. That’s also something I am insecure about in my relationship and about other foreign women, those who specifically study Japanese. He compared me a few times to other women he talks to, that they speak in Japanese when they call. Honestly, although it shouldn’t feel like this, but when he does that, it kinds of stings my heart and also makes me lose confidence in my capabilities and not want to try it. Of course sometimes it has the opposite effect, but it also makes me more hesitant.

Oh, that’s also another thing that made my heart sting a little bit. Being compared to other women. I don’t know if he’ll remember the situations or not, but of course for me, I unfortunately remember it. I am not mentioning these things so that he’ll feel bad but it’s just something to get off my chest really. Because, it has been lingering there for quite sometime. I remember he called this other girl really beautiful and talked about a few other girls who spoke Japanese really well. This all goes back to my earlier mentioning about foreign women. He also wonders why I try to cover my face when we video call. He thinks I’m insecure about my mouth, but truth is, I’m insecure about my face in general. I use a lot of filters because it helps me boost my confidence for just a little while. A lot of my selfies are like that. Most times, I’m just not content with my plain face as much as I wish I could be. I’m just really insecure about my face because my features look really chubby… And in this modern society, a lot of people don’t really prefer chubby. Instead it’s more of a slimmer face, with prominent features, and a sexy body that’s preferred by most. It just leaves me completely shy and not confident, that’s why I always try to hide.

Sometimes I don’t know what’s real and what’s not in our relationship. I wish we had spent a little more time as friends so I could really see all of him before we started dating. Because sometimes I’m unsure of things and because we haven’t built that friendship first, I don’t know what to do. Of course being in this relationship also helps me see the person he is and learn about him, but sometimes I can’t help but think, if we took things slow and became friends first, would the insecurities and worries I have disappear? Of course I’m happy to be in a relationship with him, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder about something like this. Of course, no matter what happens, I’m glad to have in my life and to be able to spend time with him. Every day with him is just as important. He has made me smiled, laughed, filled my heart with love and joy, I’m glad to have gotten the chance to meet him. I hope to be able to overcome these worries, and just make happy memories with him. I don’t want to spend time thinking about the negative things that could happen. I want to be able to laugh and smile my way through our relationship, feeling the same way I felt when I first realized that I love him. I want to better myself, so that one day I can stand by his side with confidence and to not be afraid to continue loving him. Because, in the end, I don’t want any other man by my side, only him.

I always feel like I want to apologize to him, because he most likely didn’t know about how I can feel and think like this. That I can be a bit overwhelming sometimes. In advance, I want to both apologize and thank him for dealing with a person like me. Sometimes I cry thinking about stuff like this and it makes me feel so childish. At times I also want to tell him my feelings directly but I’m scared he’ll also think it’s childish and I should be more confident about or relationship. I appreciate him a lot although we’ve known each other for a very short time. I’m sorry if I ever make him feel frustrated with me. I’ll always continue to do my best. I want us to be able to overcome many things and to grow, both as friends, and as a couple.