Hi, I’m a Recovering Homophobe. Nice To Meet You

“James!!! You won’t believe this. Ophelia is in love with a fellow woman!!!” That was the voice of someone close to me as she came screaming my name to bring to my attention the sexual preferences of our mutual friend Ophelia.

Truth is, I had known this about Ophelia’s orientation for about 10 years but given that we live in one of the most homophobic countries in the world, I reserved my knowledge of the issue and pretended to fall in shock too.

This incident made me reflect on my beliefs about gay people and naturally took me down memory lane to all my friends that were gay.

I found that there were so many people in my life that were not straight and for some reason, I never thought much about it.

But since 1 in every 3 friends of mine was gay, I naturally thought to myself whether or not I was gay too. This thought scared the life out of me am not gonna lie.

This was because in Uganda(the country I live in) it is forbidden to have such inclinations. If you’re caught and you are lucky, it could mean several years in prison but normally that is a death sentence or people would mob you to death themselves.

Unlearning homophobic ideas.

In Uganda, this process is also known as “western influence”. I can’t tell you how many people here have blamed America or Europe for pushing these gay narratives into Ugandan and African societies.

Many people have come up with the idea that “African Homosexuality” is a colonial import but guess what else is a colonial import,...Religion!!.

Thinking that there is such a thing as African Homosexuality is ridiculous but calling it an import is just insanity.

Since it's the religious that peddle this nonsense the most, let’s get biblical for a second.

In John 6:44 the bible says “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them on the last day.”

This means that an idea(someone/something) is impressed on your mind(father)and if your mind (father) accepts it(draws them/draws the idea) then you(your personality) can take it on and live with it as your own. (I will raise them on the last day)

This means that you choose to accept what ideas you think will benefit you and drop those you think won't and this is achieved when those ideas pass through a framework of the beliefs you gathered from your experiences.

What I’m saying here is that you should not expect anyone to behave as you do just because that is what you believe.

Ideas impressed on our minds are either rejected, partially accepted or fully accepted depending on which mind they are impressed upon.

You may be people on the same continent, country, tribe, clan, caste, or family but that does not mean you have similar frameworks of experience so you will naturally not take on the same ideas.

If someone comes and promotes being gay or any other belief, you are free to reject the idea but do not try to force your beliefs onto other people because they too have their own frame and perspective of experience.

For your beliefs to serve you, you must unlearn the reservations you have towards other people’s beliefs. This will help you operate within your belief systems without feeling the need to step on others who have opposing beliefs.

Having an absolute belief at the expense of others holds you a prisoner to the belief you strive hard to cling to while stepping on the rest. Your mind should be free from all those vague imaginings and know that whatever belief you hold, it can leave in harmony with similar and opposing beliefs.

Relearning better ideas

I am not here to push people into being gay or straight and I am not favoring anyone's sexual experience over the other.

I do believe that sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. And that is fine. We do not have to have an opinion or side on everything especially things in which we have no experience.

What people do with their bodies as long as they aren’t hurting others is alright and instead of policing them with our biased narratives, it's important we become curious if we cannot ignore the issue.

Being curious does not mean engaging in the same activity but it’s more about learning about people who hold beliefs different from yours.

We are all human beings and people have different ways of dealing with things that happened in their lives.

Trying to think that someone is evil for being gay without knowing who they are and their experience makes you part of the problem but making an effort to learn about something you have no experience with makes you part of the solution.

Acceptance

Please first separate the person from the idea and then only can you be able to move forward.

Ideas are seeds and like plants, some germinate faster than others. The issue with an idea is that you cannot and shouldn’t route it out by condemning the person in whom it took root.

If you can manage to separate the person from the idea, then you can learn an element of what people call unconditional love.

You do not have to agree with everything that someone says or does, you just have to accept them for who they are and this is done through making a separation between them and the ideas they hold. It’s not impossible and as a matter of fact, many of you do it with your children.

Someone commits a crime and the parent covers up for them or defends them. This is because the parent had separated the son/daughter from the crime and then only can start hearing narratives like “oh my son is a good boy who is loved by everyone”.

Most parents do this all the time and we also do it for those people we care about. If you don’t like someone’s sexual orientation, though practice, you can find something good about them that can help you live with them despite their “flaws”.

It’s not your role to change anyone’s preference. Keep yours to yourself and watch how happy you’ll be.

Conclusion

Society has taught us to treat people who don’t have similar practices to us as different.

In the end, there is no point in holding onto resentments and divisions that hold you a prisoner in your own mind.

You do not serve “God” when you delude yourself into hating his creations. There are many things that happen in this universe that remain mysteries to us all.

Maybe you are right about your reservations and maybe you are wrong but either way, nobody cares. In closing, it’s easier to be a homophobe. Strive however to do the difficult part of loving those people who have different opinions from you and you’ll live a much more fulfilled life.