Here's my tongue!

Now, I have never been in the habit of going up to other people and sticking my tongue out at them. Do you do it, would you do it? Well, the answer to this question would probably (and most likely) be a resounding NO! I mean, it is not the most appropriate or acceptable activity to show off - certainly not a 'skill' to show all your friends!

I grew up within a Roman Catholic family where we all held certain attitudes that these behaviours were both rude and uncouth; in much the same way that showing off your naked parts of your body would be totally taboo. Children do it and yes, it can be funny - a part of childhood that really stays there and does not acceptably follow you into adulthood anyway; well I thought so.

A few years after marrying the one woman in my life that had so many loving attributes about her, I never expected to be in a position whereby I would reduce myself to embarrassing her in this type of way; or anyone else for that matter. I had been on medication at that point called Thioridazine (commonly branded as Melleril.) The Melleril licence was later withdrawn and the product removed from prescription use later in 2005. A few weeks after started taking this licenced product I began uncontrollably sticking my tongue out at her, progressing to the point where I would be doing this for the whole day. My sleep became disturbed because I could not relax enough to sleep - my tongue just wanted to keep 'throwing it out 'there' all the time. Talking became very mixed up and I could not even form a short sentence that made any sense. I got the feeling that I was turning into some form of 'green bug-eyed' alien. Even going to the local shop was more like a scene from a comedy show (though I do not quite think that the shopkeeper thought it was that funny.) Everyone probably is well aware of 'french kissing' but I've never tried 'french kissing' a 150-year old oak tree nor an elderly shopkeeper before; not until now anyway! It certainly gave an alternative meaning to Debbie Harry's song 'french kissing in the USA' (released 1986) - maybe more of 'french kissing the old oak tree!'

Going around the community became something much like a horror show on tour. Strange looks were becoming a common side-effect of going outside of the house now. My wife decided that enough was enough, and decided that we should go to our local emergency department at that point. It had got to the point where I was going to the toilet and constantly sticking out my tongue, and baths, well, we certainly could not have a romantic bath together, as I was not able to spend a single second without sticking it out at her (my tongue that would be.) I kept trying to keep my mouth firmly shut but my tongue (that had been my personal friend since birth) certainly had other ideas.. it was not staying in.. it thought it was a high-speed train hell-bent on steaming out of the tunnel, over and over day & night. Even going to the toilet, my good old friend 'le tongue' even knocked me off the toilet at home just a few times.

Well, my wife and I walked to our local hospital. I did not want to get a bus or taxi. I could not cope with the idea of people crammed into a bus staring at me doing nothing but 'oops there it goes again!' Children found it funny, but their parents well.. not so funny. I recall one elderly lady on the walk to the hospital staring at me and saying out loud, 'ooh how rude you are!'

At hospital we did not have to wait very long to be seen. Neither my wife nor myself could see anyone else waiting who was sticking their tongue out, reminiscent of a runaway freight train. Well, at least everyone else in the waiting area had their own problems so I had a short respite from comments and funny stares. Although out it kept shooting, mouth firmly closed but nothing was stopping this little beauty from saying hello. The nurse who called us over could not hold her own thoughts in and when she called my name, she just tried stifling a laugh but did not do well with it. When I was seen by the doctor well, he just stared and said 'oh' as my tongue cheerily greeted him. He said 'I was about to ask you to stick out your tongue but I see the problem now!'

I was told that the female doctor was going to need to give me an immediate injection into my bottom to arrest the problem, that I would need to drop my trousers and underwear and lie face down on the bed. So okay, at this stage, my wife had seen everything but not so that she could get to see me do this to have a needle stuck in my bottom. This was a new one to add to a romantic exchange. My wife stayed with me but the doctor also had another attending nurse with her to assist. To me well, three females staring at my bare bottom was definately not something I have ever had the 'joy' of experiencing before this moment.

I was told that she would give me an injection to immediately arrest this concern - it involved dropping my trouser's and underwear. That was another ordeal, trying to look straight faced whilst sticking your bare bottom in the air was bad enough with three young women looking down on you. And all I wanted to do and did do (several times) was to lick the hospital bed sheets - and you have wondered why I chose the dog as the picture for this article - well thinking back to that moment makes me feel like a puppy dog lapping from his food or water bowl. I have to say that I had tried eating with a fork but licked the fork more than got the food in my mouth.

I have been well since and certainly do not attempt to 'french kiss an oak tree' anymore. My mum always told us when we were children, 'make sure you have clean underwear on every day and when you go out.' That certainly has moral & and an element of truth in that saying now.