Hello?

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so distant from other people. I can laugh at a joke, sympathize with a problem, and yet it feels like I'm in a totally different space from the person sitting next to me. It gets pretty exhausting trying to figure out the correct reactions to other people's situations.

My attitudes rarely follow that of other people my age. Other millennials are concerned with snap streaks, I'm concerned with minimizing my credit card debt. In that aspect, I don't mind being alone. I have no time for petty problems.

I have interests, I have goals, I have desires, I have flaws, I have thoughts, I have doubts, but no one really to share them with. And I could voice all of these to friends or loved ones, but I keep it all locked up because I already know they wouldn't understand.

I'm not writing this to generate pity, in fact, I have no idea why I'm writing this period. I feel like I have a better time expressing myself on paper (or in this case, a screen) versus using words. I formulate words in my head, and then when I try to say them, they come out wrong, people look at me funny, and I feel like a freak for letting them see a glimpse into my psyche. Ugh!

And because I do this so often, I barricade myself inside my bedroom and find something to distract myself with. Since I live in the Midwest, it's narrowed down to Netflix binging or retail therapy. I would be drinking but, there's been enough alcoholics in my family.

Not only that, I stay up late a lot because the world seems more peaceful. Nobody's asking me questions that I don't feel like answering. Nobody else in my house (or I should say my parents' house) is up. There seems to be this unspoken respect for laziness or mind-wandering that you can't get during the day. Even if it's -12 degrees outside.

The problem is if I'm by myself too long, I get too deep in my thoughts. I plan unrealistic vacations, pretend I'm a character in a show I'm watching, the list goes on and on. I don't know why I project fictional problems or overthink shit instead of trying to find a more beneficial outlet.

I have a job, even though I don't make a lot of money. I'm trying to go to school without putting myself down for only having an Associate of Arts. And of course, I still live with my parents. Yay me. I want so badly to escape my life, but all I seem to do is hide from problems.

I'm even struggling to finish writing this post because I'm losing interest in it the longer it gets, and I still have another 200 words to go. Something I forgot to mention before is that when I write, the wording needs to be very specific. I always think it can be better for some reason if I change a phrase here or add a coma there.

Perfectionism has always been one of my most toxic traits. No matter how hard I try to shake it, it seems not to want to go anywhere.

As I reach the end of this post, I realize I want to get back into writing again after a very long hiatus of not being able to write about anything. Or at least not being able to finish writing about anything. But more importantly, I wanna ask is there anyone else that feels the same way I do? At all?