Heart conversation on the ice

“So crisp tonight...huh?

I traced the moon with my finger in the air. The moon was a strange crest shaped tonight. But slightly lower in a saddle like. Its edges seemed brighter then normal.

“I wonder how many people are looking at it at this very moment?”

The moon disappeared liked an eclipse. In place of it was a face looking down at me with big bug eyes incased in glass wrapped in black frames. They just stared for a while. You could see the steam coming from her nose. Her cheeks were blush red.

“Are you comfortable”

“Actually yes” I said

“Are you sure? You’re not shaking from the ice?”

“Yea it nice to feel something different”

“Different?”

I pointed to the other end of the pond. In the cluster of people ice skating there they where. Arms locked together and happy as could be.

“Yea, I figured thats what was going on.”

“Yea...” I said with a heavy sign.

“Dude I am sorry Chuck. That totally suck.”

Jen began to drop herself on the ice next to me. She had this black and white blanket tucked over her arms. It was one of those beach blankets she brought back from her vacy in Baja. A surf girl from Michigan. She leaned down as she prepared a spot. She looked like she was building a nest as she folded the blank in several layer to thickens it up before laying above it on her sideways. I could feel her just staring. She came prepared this time. Our conversation went much longer then she expected last time. She got cold quick.

“You came prepared.” I said

“Well I did get a little cold last time. I saw you both earlier and had an idea you would be here again.” She pulled her hoody over her head as she spoke. I guess preparing for a long conversation tonight.

The night air was crisp and felt perfect. Cold but not cold where your ears can ache. More like early morning in the fall in a t-shirt kinda cold. The cold really helped to see all the stars in the milky way tonight. No clouds to be seen not even any fog. It was perfect. The pond was at the edge of town so there wasn’t much light pollution to hinder their view of the stars. Plus everyone is trying to conserve energy to avoid blackouts. The city has every other street light off as well in the hopes to conserve power.

“So, is this going to become a habit with you.” Jen asked.

I didn’t reply. Only put my arms in the air implying the same question myself.

“Look Chuck, you have to deal with this. Its not going to change.”

What does she mean its not going to change. Everything changes.

“All I am saying is they like each other.”

She leaned back on her elbows and paused looking at them. Then she laid down on her back and stared at the moon.

“Wow this is a way better view of the moon! I see why your down here.”

There was a long pause. We were both looking at the stars. She was trying to help. I could sense she was trying to figure the right words to say. The right words to ask. I was stuck in my heart. Trapped in it like a bird cage made of love and pain. I had never felt this before. I thought I knew love and heartbreak but I was so wrong. I was so wrong.

“I know, thats whats killing me.”

We both laid there quietly just staring in silence for about ten minutes. The heart can be mysterious. Do we have control of who we love? Or is it out of our control like something preordained? Are there just simple coincidence? Do we believe in serendipitous moments or fate? These were the internal question happening.

So many things have lined up that I can not explain. Like the universe is speaking to me. I can’t describe it. Signs popping up left and right. Sometimes it feels like magic. Sometimes I think it’s all in my head. It really is hard to navigate in that kind of love fog.

“I love her.” I said.

“That’s the problem Jen. I love her.”

“I know you do. I see it in your eyes. You look at her like a child who see a full moon for the first time.”

“So what am I going to do? I know the situation. But I feel what I feel.”

“I know. I been there.”

“How can the heart be wrong Jen?”

“I don’t know. Your going to have to take it one day at a time and it will get easier as time goes on.”

“It doesn’t work like that. At least I don’t work like that. I carry it with me. It’s about managing it to making it bearable. Thats all I can do.”

“Well your gonna have to move on or something. But you can’t be like this every time you see them.”

The ice did its trick. I couldn’t feel my legs or my torso. The cold finally seeped up to my heart chilling it; making the heart ache a little less. This allowed my brain take control of my emotions. Using reason over my feelings. Sometimes the heart could feel like a stranger taking control of your emotions when your not used to it. It kinda crazy. But the ice allows me to escape the prison of pain and love in the heart for a little while.

“I know Jen.”

“Thanks for the pep talk.”

“It will get better. You’ll see.”

“I know it will get better.”

“I just have to keep a positive mindset.”

“How long are you going to stay down here?”

“Just until I see a shooting star and then lets eat.”

“I’m craving French fries and a burger, but tacos sound so good too, oooh what about margarita pizza from that new pizza place with the big monster slices.”

I sat up and thought about all the choices. I was rather hungry now. Sometimes all you need is a good conversation and some food to pick up your spirits.

“Well I guess I am ready now, cuz, French fries sound good. But a slice of margarita pizza sounds amazing!”

“We could do both pizza and garlic fries!”

“Ooooh yessss!”

“Hey Jen.”

“Yea?”

“Thank you.”